A Modest but Audacious Proposal
by Refuge In Audacity
NOTE: Please read Addendum 9001-J-3 before commenting/flaming. This is not a work in progress, but I was told to put it here because there's no subforum with room for a joke(?)
Personnel File 9001-J
Agent ██████ ██████. "Agent X." (No first/last name given)
Name: Unknown
Codename: Agent X
Security Clearance Level: [EXPUNGED]
History: Agent X.'s first contact with the Foundation occurred when a well-dressed and enigmatic man approached a Site-██ guard outpost and requested to speak with whoever was in charge. Detained there until a response to his demand could be met, he was quickly authorized to be brought to the main Site under heavy guard.
The man now known as Agent X. refused to give his name, but informed the interviewing researchers that he was there with the mission of 'infiltrating the Foundation.' When asked incredulously "why he would simply walk up to the place," he responded that he wished to change sides.
After submitting to having his hands placed in the mouth of SCP-645 and swearing to his intention, as well as to his lack of ill intent towards the Foundation and a number of other questions designed to catch half-truths or omissions, he was accepted into the Foundation as an Agent, whereupon he divulged important information pertaining to ███████████████ ████████████.
Since, he has been involved in the detection and subsequent capture of no less than sixteen SCP objects in the field.
Profile: Agent X. is a tall man who exudes an air of professionalism, and perpetually wears an immaculate black suit and dark glasses that hide his eyes. He wields most firearms with extreme precision, and is adept at the use of more than a few close-combat weapons including: police batons, nun-chucks, and desk lamps.
Displaying a brilliant tactical mind and exceptional problem-solving skills, Agent X. scored an average of 170 on several different Foundation standard IQ tests, placing him at an intelligence level associated with pure genius.
Despite his apparent excellence, Agent X. possesses one debilitating weakness: a deathly fear of transmissible microbial and viral diseases as well as memetic hazards, a phobia which has been shown capable of cracking Agent X.'s professional demeanour when asked to carry out any process to do with SCP objects such as SCP-217 or SCP-882. The mere mention of SCP-370's number will cause him to flee in terror, a fact which has been taken advantage of by the more jealous and sadistic of his detractors at the Foundation.
Addendum 9001-J-1: Personnel indulging in 'baiting' of Agent X. by feigning a hacking cough or infection by viral SCPs will not be tolerated. Perpetrators of this behaviour will be dealt with as if they were genuinely infected, whether that is by confinement to a medical wing or termination. ~ Dr. Bright
Addendum 9001-J-2: Agent X is the only entity known to the SCP Foundation capable of defeating Dr. ███████ Kondraki in a game of Xanatos Speed Chess.
Addendum 9001-J-3: This personnel file is a joke personnel file. Any personnel taking this personnel file seriously, or (SCP-343 forbid!) not beleiving that this personnel file deserves a place in the list contained in the addendum to SCP-100-J, are recommended to receive an immediate demotion to D-class personnel.
_-_-_-_-_
Item: SCP-101-J ("Xanatos Speed Chess Set")
Object Class: Safe KETER!
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-101-J is to remain on Dr. █'s desk except when being borrowed for use. Object is only to be borrowed with Dr. █'s permission.
SCP-101-J is to be kept in a titanium-alloy box of dimensions 0.6m3, and secured with no less than one tripwire designed to activate an attached charge of C4 if tampered with, two combination locks, three padlocks, four DNA-recognition locks keyed to O5-█, and five pairs of SCP-531 arranged as seen in Figure 531-BB-1. All of the aforementioned SCP-531 pairs should be affixed to the floor using SCP-170.
At no time is the location of SCP-101-J to be revealed to any individual from the following list, or any individual known to have regular daily dealings with individuals from the following list:
Dr. Alto Clef
Dr. ██████ Kondraki
Dr. Jack Bright
Dr. Sophia Light
Kain Pathos Crow
Agent X.
Description: A cube of aerogel-like substance, of dimensions approximately 0.5m3: can be reached into or cut through but regains coherence after tool is removed. 256 dots of black and bright white (128 of each) are visible in the substance: These appear to be pigmented on the medium rather than discrete items, but can be moved around the cube when pushed with a tool (see Experiment Log 914.)
SCP-101-J was obtained in an experiment by Junior Researcher Dr. Zara under the supervision of Dr. █. The experiment consisted of the use of SCP-914, in which a Staunton chess set was inserted into SCP-914 and the SCP was activated on the 'Very Fine' setting.
WARNING: Use of SCP-101-J is strictly prohibited following Experiment 101-J-2, in the course of which [DATA EXPUNGED]. Only individuals with security clearance level 4 or higher are permitted access to Experiment Log 101-J-2.
Experiment Log 101-J-1: Two D-class personnel were confined in a blast-protected chamber, and were instructed to inspect SCP-101-J and to "try things out, just do whatever." Upon 'trying it out,' the following observations were made regarding the use of SCP-101-J: Fingers could be safely inserted into the aerogel without any repercussions. The 256 black and white dots in the aerogel could be manipulated by hand in the same way as by tools previously, though the personnel noted that certain moves, which they termed 'illegal' moves, resulted in the dots springing back into their previous positions.
The dots composing the 'frontal' plane of each side, when touched, grew slightly and took on the shape of conventional pawns, and were seen to behave as such, but in a three-dimensional lattice structure, such that the 'pawns' could move up to one space (two on the pawn's first move of the game only) upwards, downwards, and forwards (but not left or right.) Other pieces behaved in a fashion according to the natures of Castles, Rooks, Knights, Queen and King respectively, with knights being able to move 'upwards' or 'downwards' in addition to forwards, backwards, left and right, rooks capable of moving along any diagonal plane, and so on. Surrounding one dot with four or more dots of the opposite color was found to make it vanish, as did the more conventional process of 'taking' an enemy piece.
Some time after beginning the game, the D-class personnel began to complain that they were unable to make themselves stop playing the game. Both remained with their eyes and concentration locked on the three-dimensional chess set until, after several hours, personnel D-4612 intentionally allowed his opponent to win, bringing the game to an early halt. Both personnel were observed for several more hours, but other than complaints of hunger and mental exhaustion, no adverse effects were noted.
SCP-101-J classified as Safe under the recommendation of Dr. █, pending Euclid classification due to the apparent memetic effect of the players being unable to stop playing.
Experiment Log 101-J-2: WARNING: This information is for Security Level 4 or higher personnel only. Unauthorized viewing will be severely punished up to and including adminstering of Class-B amnesiacs and/or demotion to Level 1 cleaning staff.
Following the classification of SCP-101-J as a Safe object, a highly supervised (or, for a more accurate term, highly spectated) use of SCP-101-J by Agent X. and Dr. ██████ Kondraki was authorized. The event was held in the Site-█ staff cafeteria, as this was the only location large enough to house the crowd supervisory personnel.
SCP-101-J was placed in the center of a cafeteria table, and Agent X., playing the white side for this game, applied his hand to the SCP to make the first move. However, upon contact with the Agen'ts hand, the SCP immediately [DATA EXPUNGED], the force of which knocked all spectators from their feet, leaving only Agent X. and Dr. Kondraki standing. The SCP's borders now coincided with the walls, floor and ceiling of the cafeteria, forming a space roughly 15m x 20m x 4m in dimensions, trapping all spectators and both players inside and sealing all exits. The dots denoting chess pieces had expanded with the ████████ over the course of the ███████████████ event and had grown to human shape and size; they had also taken on recognizable features, and were quickly identified as various researchers and agents inhabiting another Foundation site, Site-██. Occupying the spaces of the white King and Queen respectively were realistic facsimiles of Dr. Bright and Dr. Light, with expressions described by observers as "uncharacteristically blank" on their faces; opposite them, Dr. Clef and Dr. Rights as the black King and Queen, with Dr. Clef's face concealed by a visor-bearing crown apparently carved from black marble.
All other pieces, including pawns, had taken the shape of other individuals stationed at Site-██. Of note, Agent Strelnikov as a Knight on the white side, with Agent Yoric Elroy and Dr. Rodney Gerald as two of Bright's four Rooks. On the black side, Kain Pathos Crow and Agent Snorlison as Rooks and (even more worryingly) SCP-682 as a Knight.
Agent X. and Kondraki, finding themselves unable to call off the game due to the SCP's memetic effect, began playing, while the onlookers began to slowly recover from [DATA EXPUNGED].
Several minutes after the first pawn of the game was taken (by Dr. Kondraki,) communications were received from Site-██. A transcript follows:
Agent ████ (Site ██): "Oh God, someone, you have to help us!"
Dr. ████ (Site █): "Is that ████? What's wrong?"
Agent ████: "They've gone crazy! All of them!"
Dr. ████: "Who have? Calm down— speak clearly!"
Agent ████: "Everyone! There are already containment breaches on SCP-███, SCP-███, and… Oh, God help us, SCP-682's out!
Dr. ████: "…[REDACTED]."
Following Dr. ████'s statement, communications were cut off in a burst of static.
Upon Dr. ████'s statement of a hypothesis that the events of the three-dimensional chess board were being replicated in the real Site-██, Agent X. and Kondraki exchanged identical fiendish grins and proceeded to [DATA EXPUNGED].
[DATA EXPUNGED]
[DATA EXPUNGED]
[DATA EXPUNGED] transcript of the conversation follows:
SCP-██: "Dr. █? This is ████, I managed to get a hold of SCP-400 in all the chaos! Dr. Bright wants me to tell you, "If you don't get those two maniacs to stop whatever they're doing right this moment," he says he'll include you when he ████████ ████ ████████ their █████ until they wish ████ ████████ ████████."
Dr. █: I'll… I'll tell them.
The ███████ event ended a short while later, when the white King was taken by the SCP-682-shaped black Knight; security recordings show that Dr. Bright was simultaneously [DATA EXPUNGED] lethal quantity of [REDACTED]. In the aftermath, SCP-963 was placed in the possession of its/Dr. Brighter's current vessel, █████.
The prevalent theory as to the reason for the difference between SCP-101-J's reaction to Agent X. and Dr. Kondraki as players as opposed to the D-class personnel initially used to test it is that the SCP reacts to an unquantifiable aspect of a player, known as "awesome," and results in a different game depending on the level of "awesome" exhibited by the players.
SCP-101-J was reclassified as a Keter-class object, and assigned a new containment procedure.
Addendum 101-J-1: This SCP submission is a joke SCP submission. Any personnel expressing a belief that this SCP should be accepted as a joke SCP are recommended to receive a pat on the back and a condescending shake of the head. Any personnel expressing a belief that this SCP should be accepted as a real SCP are recommended to receive an immediate demotion to D-class personnel.
FINAL DISCLAIMER: This is not a WIP, nor is it a serious submission/suggeston (not even of a Joke SCP.) To anyone who feels a need to persist in taking this seriously: you fail Poe's Law forever.