The following is a partial list of objects regarded as 'Safe' on the S/E/K scale, which Agent Schism has recovered in the field. Until deemed otherwise, these objects may remain in his safekeeping.
Item #12: There has never, and may I repeat NEVER, been an Existential Comb. Ever. -Schism
Item #27: A piece of paper with a printed copy of a random painting within the Louvre. When turned over, this paper's opposite side contains a different painting. Every time the object is flipped, a different painting appears.
Could be useful for testing potential precogs. I don't think we should test this thing with Cassy, though, fun as she might find it. -Schism
Item #33: A normal-seeming rewritable CD, unlabeled, which scratches the lens of any drive in which it's placed beyond repair.
I used to have a spindle of these. Only difference is, this one breaks them *every* time. -Schism
Item #49: A drapery curtain for a window, light grey and approximately 1.2 meters in length and 1.8 meters in height, which also blocks any sound to or from the window it's placed against.
Item #52: A stein, steel with an embossed glyph depicting the British coat of arms, which, upon the introduction of any liquid substance, results in a 5% grain alcohol level. Class-D testers, upon drinking, declared the result 'terrible'.
Item #64: A Rubik's cube which changes its segmentation between 2x2 and 9x9 once every ten seconds, at random, after being left untouched for one minute. When changing, the colours on each side also randomize, though the puzzle never changes to an unsolveable state. Solving this puzzle appears to have no effect on anything around it.
Item #73: A toothpick which, upon introduction to a given tooth, removed all foreign substances from it, up to and including fillings, stints, and other associated objects.
Wait. Don't we already have one of these? Oh god, please don't let an entire box have been released into the populace; we'll never find them all. -Schism
Item #102: A stick of deodorant which, with every application, appears to have a different scent. Testing has provided any number of distinct esters, ranging from 'curry' to 'flower arrangement', none of which seem to have any deleterious effect upon the tester.
Item #192:A clay ashtray with dinosaurs painted upon the rim. When left unviewed for at least two minutes, all nicotine-related products within its radius disappear, including ash and filters. The effect appears to extend to approximately six centimeters above and two centimeters around the receptacle.
Useful, but don't expect that I'll be sticking my fingers in there anytime soon. -Schism
Item #200: A very realistic sculpture of SCP-682 in its resting state, composed of clay. Sculpture is entirely inert. Item recovered from an elementary school's art class in ████████, ████, on ██/██/20██. The student was shipped to ████████ immediately.
Item #207: A BIC pen which, when clicked, sprays red ink at a range of roughly 1.5 meters. The spray continues until the pen is clicked off again. This ink is harmless (with the exception of eye contact), and has been determined to be indistinguishable from that of a normal BIC pen.
There's this ████ driver that keeps running off with my pens. I'd give him this if I thought I'd ever see it again. -Schism
Item #259: A crocheted afghan blanket, crimson and white, which radiates heat, approximately 5.5ºC above the temperature of the surrounding room. Does not appear to react to the touch of a living creature, but averages body heat when wrapped around a person.
Item #325: A highly-fossilized bakery croissant. Upon chipping off a corner, it would appear that the flaky layers are still preserved. Useless, save as a bludgeon.
Item #381: A highball glass, holding approximately 8 oz. of liquid, which cools most liquid substances placed in it to approximately 10.2ºC. Living flesh appears immune to this cooling effect.
Found this one at a frat bar after… actually, you know what, just don't ask. The 22-year-old bartender was loath to part with his prized possession until I offered a box of… actually, let's keep that one quiet, too. -Schism