Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: The section of US Highway ██ between [REDACTED] be kept under patrol by plain-clothes Agents during periods of low usage. Assigned Agents must travel in paired vehicles while maintaining line-of-sight with one another and are strictly forbidden to take any exit from the highway encountered between █████████ and ███████.
Additionally, the [REDACTED] mainland China is to be monitored by teams including trained paramedics. Recovered vehicles are not hazardous and may be sold if intact or dismantled for parts. Surviving drivers and passengers must be taken into Foundation custody for rehabilitation and administration of amnesiacs. Successfully rehabilitated survivors may be provided with a cover story and released from custody with minimal Foundation surveillance provided they do not come within ██ kilometres of the SCP-XXX entry zone.
Description: SCP-XXX is a six lane divided highway which can only be accessed via an exit on US Highway ██. The exit can appear between █████████ and ███████ whenever the weather is overcast or raining and a vehicle is travelling alone without line-of-sight on any other vehicles. Recovered drivers generally report believing that this exit was the correct turn-off to continue their journey because of either confusion or distraction. SCP-XXX is completely straight and level and surrounded by a flat grassland plain without visible landmarks. An uninterrupted drive through SCP-XXX at traffic speed would require an estimated █ years.
Within a few minutes of travel along SCP-XXX, victims begin to encounter heavy traffic. Traffic moves between forty (40) and twenty (20) kilometres per hour depending on density and obstacles. Many of the cars travelling along SCP-XXX show heavy collision damage, however this damage does not appear to affect the car's performance even if tires are punctured or the engine is obviously destroyed. Individuals on SCP-XXX do not suffer pain, hunger or fatigue and cannot die. Upon exiting SCP-XXX, injuries sustained while travelling will be felt in full and fatal injuries will cause instant death.
SCP-XXX is patrolled by both plain white road crew vans, which clear debris from the road and carry away accident victims, and patrol cars which punish driving infractions. All infractions are punished with a term of road crew service which can range from █ years for stopping on the highway to ████ for colliding with a car in the oncoming lane. All parties involved in an accident receive an equal sentence regardless of fault or personal injury, which explains the frequency of heavily mutilated road crew workers. Upon completion of a road crew sentence, victims are returned to their original vehicles at the entrance of SCP-XXX. Attempts to turn around, stop or drive off-road while on SCP-XXX are driving infractions and will result in a road crew sentence between █ and ██ years.
So, so, my name is Mr. Laugh! Like 'ha ha! hee hee!' So I'm in the middle of this, this big shopping centre right? Like with strip malls on all sides, ha ha? But that's not very funny is it! A few kids were laughing at my weird facepaint and the stripes on my clothes, but really nothing was very funny and it wasn't very nice of them to laugh. It hurt my feelings a little, ha ha.
I wasn't mean or anything though! I even decided to show them a good trick! I said “would you like a hand” to one of the kids, hee hee, and then I put my hand out to shake his… but then when he grabbed my hand, it came off, and I said, I said, “There, now you've got a spare one!” Ha ha! Funny, right?
Only the kid just screamed and ran away, which I thought, I thought was kind of mean, because it was a good trick, you know! A little bit painful when it comes off but good! Then I had to get out my little sewing kit and put my trick hand back on and, hee hee, clean up all the blood because you know I am a very good citizen who would never leave a mess in the middle of the street like that!
Then, then I remembered I was supposed to be going somewhere, somewhere important! I had to go down, down to the fair to meet the others! Ha ha, silly me forgetting something like that. Silly, stupid, worthless clown, ha ha! Ha ha! So I started down the street toward the fair when these men in weird coats came in a screaming car and asked if I was hurt. They were not funny at all and their screaming car made my ears hurt, so, so when one of them came close I decided to shake his hand with a buzzer, ha ha! He was very surprised when he shook my hand! He was so surprised, his eyes popped right out of his sockets! I laughed very hard when that happened! It was less funny when they were dangling on bloody little cords and he started screaming, but that was okay because the other men took him away in the screaming car, so I did not have to look at them very long.
I am a very mean clown sometimes, hee hee. A very bad, stupid clown, ha ha! That is a funny joke, even if it hurts my feelings a little, hee hee. I know it is funny because Mr. Redd always laughed so hard when he said it! Ha ha! Mr. Redd was not very funny, but he sure laughed a lot. Maybe HE should have been Mr. Laugh! Ha ha! Would that ever be a funny joke! If I ever met Mr. Redd again, I would have to tell him what a funny joke I had thought of. Maybe he would laugh! Sometimes he stopped hurting me for a little, when he laughed.
I picked up my big floppy shoes and walked on down to the fair.