She arrived with bandages on her hands and one fairly bloodied one around her head covering what looked like a large wound. This would either be the most bullshit excuse story or the most well-planned excuse story ever. There wasn't often a middle ground, and it largely depended on how good a liar the accused could be.
He flipped through her file briefly. The other staff called her Researcher Crack, security clearance level 3. This ridiculous-looking astrophysicist, who by all accounts usually spent her time glued firmly to the screen of the radio telescope, managed to utterly eradicate SCP-723 - the indestructible D-Class - from existence. The time had come to ask her how she managed. He was expecting a lot of ass-covering lies or blaming someone else, anyone else, except herself - hell, even the revelation within a couple months that SCP-723 was just buried in a landfill somewhere. He allowed himself a thrumming chuckle before entering the box behind the glass.
He took a look at her for a moment while he clicked on the distortion. She didn't look worried at all, but definitely confused.
[REDACTED]: Researcher █████ Crack.
CRACK: Sir.
[REDACTED]: What exactly were you doing with SCP-723? Humanoids are not in your fields of study.
CRACK: I received clearance from Dr. ██████ to run an experiment with it, sir.
[REDACTED]: Today has been a touch chaotic, wouldn't you say? Wouldn't you say you could have prevented the entire thing by damming your curiosity?
CRACK: I apologize. I did not mean for the experiment to get out of hand. Sir.
[REDACTED]: Congratulations, you've brought together the O5 council for the first time in several decades. I believe the last time this occured was long before your parents were even zygotes.
[pause]
CRACK: Sir, pardon me, but is the vocal distortion necessary?
[REDACTED]: Extremely. Please tell us in your own words exactly the course of events that led to today. Do not skimp on the details.
CRACK: Well, earlier this week I heard that SCP-677 came down from its orbit. I went to its containment unit, only to find that they were going to take it apart and put it back into storage. I requested it for experimental use with SCP-723. Dr. ██████ seemed absolutely on board with letting me use 723 for whatever I wanted. She authorized transport of 723 from Site-██ to Site-██, and that is when two agents helped me open his concrete.
[REDACTED]: This morning was when you began the experiment?
CRACK: That is correct, sir.
[REDACTED]: What then?
CRACK: I handed him SCP-677 and told him to jump around. He called me a [REDACTED] and got onto the object. He jumped a few times and rocketed into the ceiling and just freakin' crashed and all this drywall and insulation fell out. Sir.
[pause]
CRACK: Then he landed in the cell about 10 meters away, which is where SCP-786 is.
[REDACTED]: The funnel.
CRACK: Yes, that. I guess there was a newbie researcher who didn't know you're not supposed to do stupid stuff, and he lifted up 786 and used it to catch 723, who was still on 677. Yeah, that's right.
[REDACTED]: That was Researcher LeBeau, who has been with the Foundation for thirty years. I will be speaking to him later.
CRACK: Yeah. Yeah.
[REDACTED]: Then what happened?
CRACK: Well, they shrank. That's what happens when objects go through SCP-786.
[REDACTED]: Continue.
CRACK: 723 was still just freakin' bouncing all over the place and I was chasing him, and I tried to catch 723 but 677's friction burned my hands quite a lot. That's why they're all wrapped up and soaked in Aloe Vera right now, see.
[REDACTED]: I see.
CRACK: 723, regrettably, smashed through the ceiling of SCP-123's containment unit.
[paper shuffling]
[REDACTED]: The contained black hole.
CRACK: Yes. When I tried to catch him again, the pogo stick bounced off my head and gave me a nice concussion, and 723 landed in SCP-123's inner sphere. SCP-723 was consumed immediately. I managed to rescue the shrunken SCP-677 before it was also destroyed.
[REDACTED]: Well then.
CRACK: I'm really sorry about the unauthorized impromptu testing 123 thing.
[REDACTED]: Your ineptitude may have almost been your undoing.
CRACK: Uh-huh. Sir, I've an observation.
[REDACTED]: Speak.
CRACK: In a normal black hole, when an object nears the singularity, it appears permanently suspended there. 723 completely vanished. What is different about 123's black hole, I wonder?
[REDACTED]: We still do not know.
CRACK: That's very interesting. Do you think I could -
[REDACTED]: Absolutely not.
The researcher adjusted the bandage around her forehead, mumbled something about needing to check on a fungus, and hurried out of the room.
"That wasn't on purpose, was it?" said another voice from behind him.
"Nah," he said, his voice returning to normal. "Couldn't be."