[WIRETAP TRANSCRIPT BEGINS]
(Phone rings three times)
02:13:23- Phone is answered
Mr. Ainsel: (yawning)
Unidentified: Hello, sir, and a good morning to you too. I am calling to ask you about your current place of employment. I have a great business opportunity for you.
Mr. Ainsel: Huh?
Unidentified: Where do you work?
Mr. Ainsel: Huh? Oh, I work at.. the Soap from Corpses Products incorporation.
Unidentified: I think you are misunderstanding me. Where do you really work? Who signs your paychecks?
Mr. Ainsel: Uh, I don't see what this has to do with anything.
Unidentified: We know where you work, we know what you do for a living, we know where you live, Mr. Ainsel. We know that your favorite color is blue, your first pet was a gerbil named Huey, your mother's maiden name was Groom, you are sleeping in a bed with dark red linen sheets, you-
Mr. Ainsel: Who the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] is “we”?
Unidentified: I represent Marshall, Carter and Dark Limited.
(pause of 2 seconds)
Mr. Ainsel: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]
(pause of 4 seconds)
Unidentified: Pardon me?
Mr. Ainsel: I said, what are you interested in me for?
Unidentified: You are employed with the SCP Foundation.
Mr. Ainsel: And?
Unidentified: You have access to something that we want and would be willing to make you a rich man for. A once-in-a-lifetime deal, if you will.
Mr. Ainsel: What?
Unidentified: It's a knife. An obsidian knife.
Mr. Ainsel: 034? That's going to be a bitch to get- wait, what do you want it for?
Unidentified: How does.. a quarter of a million sound?
(pause for 6 seconds)
Mr. Ainsel: A million. And what will you be using it for?
Unidentified: Half a million. We will be using it so we can give you money.
(pause for 8 seconds)
Mr. Ainsel: I'll see what I can do for three quarters of a million. Sound good?
Unidentified: Yes. Then it is a deal?
Mr. Ainsel: Yeah. Who should I give it to, where, when-
(A female voice is heard faintly in the background)
Female voice: Honey? Who is it?
Mr. Ainsel: It's a telemarketer, sweetie.
Female voice: Come back to bed, dear, it's late.
Mr. Ainsel: One minute. You still there?
Unidentified: We will contact you at a later date with more information. There will be a shiny ha'penny thrown in for you if you do it quickly, boy.
Mr. Ainsel: I don't want any of what you're selling.
Unidentified: Ah, deceiving your lady-friend? That's-
02:17:09 Call ends
(The unidentified caller was unable to be traced, even with the ample duration of the call.)
[END OF WIRETAP TRANSCRIPT]
[BEGIN INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT]
Dr. Heidelson: Please state your name. Standard procedure.
Mr. Ainsel: (yawns) QQQQQ Ainsel.
Dr. Heidelson: Okay, now tell me about this telephone call.
Mr. Ainsel: So, I was asleep. The phone rang, and I woke up. Looked at the Caller ID, it was an unknown number.
Dr. Heidelson: What time did this call happen?
Mr. Ainsel: About… 2 AM Saturday morning, I'd say. I had been asleep for a while, was looking forward to my weekend-
Dr. Heidelson: Please continue. You said the Caller ID was an unknown number?
Mr. Ainsel: Yeah, that's all my phone displayed. Not my company cell phone, my house phone, the land line. “UNKNOWN NUMBER” and 10 X's instead of a number. I figure, anyone calling me this late at night-
Dr. Heidelson: Early in the morning, you mean.
Mr. Ainsel: Same difference, really. But, as I was saying, before you interrupted me-
Dr. Heidelson: I did not interrupt you, I was merely clarifying details for the record.
Mr. Ainsel: See, there you go again, int-
Dr. Heidelson: Please continue. Anyone calling you that early in the morning…?
Mr. Ainsel: I figured anyone calling me that late at night-
Dr. Heidelson: (coughs loudly)
Mr. Ainsel: Anyone calling me (voice raises) that early in the morning (voice quiets again) had to be in trouble or something, serious, you know? I mean, it's not like casual callers call me at (slowly) two AM in the morning. Sleep is important and whatnot, right?
Dr. Heidelson: (clears his throat noisily)
Mr. Ainsel: So, I answer the phone. It's some stuffy British [EXPLETIVE DELETED] calling me asking about “business opportunities” or something. I tell him that I didn't want any of whatever he was selling, hung up the phone, and went back to sleep. Next morning, I'm making breakfast, and I hear someone knocking on the door. I go to open the door, and there's this guy standing there, in business attire. He-
Dr. Heidelson: Tell me about this gentleman.
Mr. Ainsel: (scoffing noises) Gentleman is the right term, all right. He was dressed in a suit of some kind, a bowler hat, elaborate waxed 'stache, silk hanky in his jacket pocket, like some.. what's the term? Yankee doodle?
Dr. Heidelson: Dandy?
Mr. Ainsel: Yeah, that's right. So, he looks me right in the eye, and I feel like a damn fool. Standing there in my bathrobe, mug of coffee in one hand, hadn't had a chance to shave yet, and there's this… dandy on my porch. He gives me an envelope that he just pulled outta freakin' nowhere, and walks down my driveway. When he gets to the street, a big black car drives by and stops for just a sec and he gets in, and the car zooms off. I look at-
Dr. Heidelson: Can you identify the make of the car?
Mr. Ainsel: You know what, I am starting to get tired of you interrupting me.
(pause of 5 seconds)
Dr. Heidelson: (raised voice) I repeat, can you identify the make of the car?
Mr. Ainsel: (sighs) Yeah, yeah, gimme a sec, I gotta think. (pause of 12 seconds) A… mid-40's, maybe early 50's Cadillac? I don't know. It looked like a hearse or something.
Dr. Heidelson: And the envelope?
Mr. Ainsel: The envelope had a telegram in it. A telegram, for Chrissakes. I didn't even know that telegrams were still used.
Dr. Heidelson: What did the telegram say?
Mr. Ainsel: The telegram was basically about how to contact them if I wanted to take them up on their offer. I figure it's just a classy way of delivering spam to me. Heh, I wonder if Nigerian princes-
Dr. Heidelson: Who was the telegram from?
Mr. Ainsel: Don't you know? I gave it to you before we started this interview.
Dr. Heidelson: (clears throat quite noisily)
Mr. Ainsel: (sighs) It was from… Marshall, Carter and Dark Limited. Okay? And so was the phone call. It was [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Marshall, Carter, and Dark Limited. Does that make you happy? Huh?
Dr. Heidelson: Yes. Thank you.
Mr. Ainsel: (quietly) I'm [EXPLETIVE DELETED], aren't I?
Dr. Heidelson: Not necessarily.
(At this point, Mr. Ainsel, visibly agitated, rises quickly from his chair, exits the room, and slams the door.)