SCPS I HAVE WRITTEN BUT HAVE NOT POSTED
The terrain was rocky, grass spread across some scattered hills, a few sporadic, clearly empty buildings dotting the landscape. Billy turned to examine the rest of the area around them, and saw more of the same. Rocks, patches of grass, buildings, nothing.
Then, a quiet buzzing noise in the distance, in no particular direction.
"There it is again," Billy said. "The hell is that?"
"23.5 horsepower Kawasaki engine is what you're hearing," Pete said, to his left. "I'd recognize that anywhere. Wright Stander X. Damper up, deck at or near top height. Transport ready, not yet deployable. New or nearly new; casters don't have that signature rattle in them yet. Never touched turf."
Billy and Effy turned to look at Pete. Billy just shook his head.
"What the unspeakable fuck did you just say?" Effy asked.
"Lawnmower, Fatimah," Pete said. "It's a very nice lawnmower. Several of them, I'd guess. How many buzzes you hear, Noah?"
Noah kept staring into the distance.
"Hmm? Oh, sorry," he said, shaking his head. "Damn jet lag. Eight buzzing sounds, boss."
"Might be the same one," Billy said. "You always overestimate the size of the turd before it hits the fan, Pete."
"You always underestimate it," Pete said, grinning. "All the shit looks rabbit-sized from your altitude."
"It all feels the same under your feet," Noah said absently.
Pete, Billy, and Effy slowly turned toward him, staring.
Noah gulped. "I mean, you…you know, right? It's all —"
"No, dude, we get it," Effy said. "It's real deep."
"All the way deep," Pete said.
"You out of your goddamn mind, boy," Billy said, "but that ain't news."
A buzzing sound again. "Nine," Noah said.
"A fleet of lawnmowers. In an abandoned Turkish hamlet. It's weird, but I don't know if it's relevant, Pete," Billy said. "Could be false information."
"Doubt it, either way. This is a scene being set up for us," Pete replied, "one way or the other. The lawnmowers have to be important. Look around, Billy. There's no fucking grass here. The sound hasn't come from the same direction twice. We can't possibly ignore —"
Effy laughed. "You fuckers are just about simple, you know that?"
Both men turned to Effy.
"All that 'where there's smoke, there's fire' bullshit. 'Common sense' bullshit. You deal with the end of logic, the end of rationality, and you still can't stop yourself from jumping to conclusions. How many lawnmowers have you heard, Noah?"
"Nine so far, Effy."
"No. You have heard nine buzzing sounds. You have heard Pete over here shitting all over your objective opinion with fifteen trivia details about lawnmowers. You have seen zero lawnmowers. You have encountered zero lawnmowers. Stop planning to fight lawnmowers based on buzzing."
"You said they had none with Sight," Faruhar said, frowning.
Item #: SCP-2099
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2099-A and SCP-2099-B are to be housed in a Humanoid Containment Complex with food, clothing, and shelter provisions equivalent to Level 1 personnel housing standards. The HCC in question may be located at any Site not less than 100 km in distance from the nearest traveled road, populated human settlement, or other area likely to contain witnesses or recording devices in the event of a containment breach.
Containment officers in charge of SCP-2099 are to make sure that SCP-2099-A is physically restrained by SCP-2099-B during all necessary hours ± sixty (60) minutes at all times, to accommodate for possible changes to the displays of SCP-2099's anomalous properties. In the event of non-cooperation from SCP-2099-B, containment officers are authorized to use Tier F coercion techniques against SCP-2099-A or SCP-2099-B to compel cooperation from SCP-2099-B.
Description: SCP-2099-A is a humanoid resembling a young child of Asian descent. Birth records suggest the humanoid is fourteen years of age; however, SCP-2099-A's physical size and general development resemble that of a six-year-old female human. Testimony from the SCP-2099-A's mother (henceforth SCP-2099-B) suggest that SCP-2099-A had no anomalous properties prior to an indeterminate event believed to have occurred on 11/02/2007.
Once per day at varying times, SCP-2099-A's anomalous properties will manifest. SCP-2099-A's catatonia will cease and the entity will become effectively incorporeal; the entity will be visible but cannot be interacted with through physical means. During demonstrations of anomalous behavior, SCP-2099-A will begin levitating slowly upward at a rate of four meters per minute, passing through all physical obstructions. Additionally, SCP-2099-A may demonstrate a bright, flashing light from its body during anomalous demonstrations; light output varies between 15-18 kilolumens during these emissions. The clear visibility of SCP-2099-A during these demonstrations draws significant attention towards the entity's anomalous nature.
SCP-2099-B is the biological mother of SCP-2099-A. During demonstrations of SCP-2099-A, the only individual capable of physically restraining SCP-2099-A is SCP-2099-B.
Addendum 2099-1: The events believed to have led to the development of SCP-2099's occurred on the evening of 11/02/2007. The child was sleeping alone when a loud noise (described as "deafening" by nearby individuals) emerged from the child's bedroom. While SCP-2099-A exhibited normal emotional and intellectual development prior to this event, the humanoid has been effectively catatonic since, with the exception of hours of the day when SCP-2099-A exhibits anomalous properties.
Item #: SCP-2199
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-2199 is presently contained in High Security Containment in the Keter wing of Site 115, a steel-reinforced concrete room. A Level 4 Mobile Containment Transport Unit is to be kept between 100-110km away from Site 115 in the event that SCP-2199 needs to be evacuated from the site. Except in the event of deliberate evacuation, no MCTUs higher than Level 3 are to be brought within 100km of Site 115. SCP-2199 may be provided with food and clothing at Level 1 humanoid provision standards. SCP-2199 may be administered sedatives and amnestics as deemed necessary by Site personnel for ease of containment or transport.
Description: SCP-2199 is a 17-year old transgender humanoid of Asian descent; the subject has identified as female for the past four years. SCP-2199 ran away from its parents' home shortly after disclosing its transgender status to them; according to interviews with SCP-2199, anomalous behavior was reported nine months after the subject ceased occupying a fixed residence and began sleeping in various locations around downtown Nashville, Tennessee, United States.
SCP-2199-1 is an area with a radius of approximately 100 km centered on SCP-2199's location at any given time.
THE 2080 SWEEP:
2. Genetically engineered Wal-Mart greeter
6. Drewbear sez use the line "The lion shines and its roar blinds"
7. Sigh. Must you be so difficult. Let it be tiny little pebbles in the shape of mountain goats wearing fashionable turtlenecks, in blizzard form.
10. A night that lasts forever. Part of a larger phenomenon?
11. Regenerating turkey as a thanksgiving prank — turkey comes back to life and tries to eat other food to regrow missing parts
Maria Jones felt hands undoing the blindfold behind her head. As the cloth fell away, she saw two helmeted figures looking at her.
"Dr. Jones, we've arrived."
"Good," the director of RAISA said as the anonymous, genderless figures handed her a similar helmet. She pulled it over her head and reached to open the car door. "I'd like to get started right away."
She and her escort walked to the door. Maria thought the inside looked like a giant parking garage, though she couldn't quite determine what sort of structure they were in. And, of course, that betrayed nothing of what it looked from the outside. One of the helmeted figures punched a number into the keypad, removed a glove, pressed a thumb against a pad. A green light and a beep, and the door opened.
During her tour of the building, she saw dozens of people, all wearing the same helmets. She saw some of the D-class, the ones spoken of in hushed whispers at other Sites. She saw the outside of the containment chamber, the only one in the building, but she didn't enter. She didn't go see that.
"What time is it?" one of the helmeted individuals asked at one point.
"1843 hours," another responded. "It's about time."
"Okay, guys, helmets off," the first individual said, pulling his (Maria noticed a beard) helmet over his head. The other individuals did the same as well.
"Dr. Jones," the bearded man said, "I'm sorry for the confusion. We only just received these orders a week ago. Your inspection could not be cancelled in time."
"Orders?" Maria asked, removing her helmet. "What orders?"
"We received a memorandum, Site-wide, about six days ago," the bearded man said. "I have a copy here, if you like." He handed a piece of paper to Maria.
Maria accepted the
Objekt #: SCP-9912
Typ Objektu: Bezpečný
Speciální Celoochranné Procedury:: SCP-9912 byl umístěn v samostatném standardním kontejneru pro anomální předměty, 1m x 1m, v oddělení pro Bezpečné SCP předměty v Oblasti-7. K přístupu k SCP je třeba získat povolení od projektového výzkumníka čtvrté úrovně. Vzhledem k memetickému efektu, vykazovanému předmětem, je přímé užití a experimentace omezena pouze na D-personál za dozoru dvou strážných. Pro užití mimo D-personál je třeba povolení od alespoň jednoho O5.
Předmět je doposud mimo kontrolu Nadace SCP.
Popis:: SCP-9912 je typ filipínského kapesního nože "Balisong". Má černou střenku, čepel i střenka nože jsou značně omšelé. Na spojení čepele se střenkou je nápis "Stainless steel". Na spodcích střenky je hrubě vyryté psacím písmem "L" a "H".
Nůž byl nalezen v roce 1991 v Barceloně, Itálii mezi odloženými rekvizitami po Incidentu 9912-1, kdy poprvé upoutal pozornost SCP Nadace. Od té doby je uchováván v Oblasti-7, nacházející se v █████, █████ ████████.
Anomální charakteristiky předmětu se projeví, když je delší nasčítanou časovou dobou (nejkratší zaznamenaná doba 2 hodiny; nejdelší zaznamenaná doba pro manifestaci memetického efektu ███ hodin) držen v rukou jedné osoby. Pokud předmět v jeden okamžik drží více osob, u všech se tato inkubační doba kumuluje najednou. Po uplynutí této inkubační doby manifestuje primární efekt objektu. Od této chvíle se držitel/é SCP 9912 označují jako SCP-9912-01.
Primární efekt objektu SCP-9912 je na memetickém základu. SCP-9912-01 podléhá drastické modifikaci zrakových nervů, vyvolanou dysfunkcí [REVIDOVÁNO] v mozku. Od této chvíle SCP-9912-01 vnímá všechny živé bytosti ve svém okolí jako původce nebezpečí pro svou osobu. Toto je doprovázené agresivními stavy, podobné reakci zvířete, zahnaného do rohu, podle SCP-████ pojmenované jako ██████ efekt. V tomto stavu osoba pomocí SCP-9912 (žádný jiný typ zbraně během manifestace primárního efektu nepoužit) terminuje všechny živé bytosti ve svém bezprostředním okolí (rádius okolo 20m, +/- 0.5 m), dokud má ve vlastnictví SCP-9912. Po terminaci všech cílů, nebo odebrání SCP-9912 z ruky SCP-9912-01 propadá do katatonického stavu, ze kterého se dosud žádná z osob, ovlivněných efektem, neprobrala. Je spekulováno, že toto je spojeno s zastavení [REVIDOVÁNO] v mozku.
Vzhledem k Incidentu 9912-2, je momentálně zkoumán druhotný efekt v období inkubace, dosud Nadací neobjeven.
Barcelona, Itálie (19/3/1991) Během zkoušek ochotnického divadla SCP-9912 použit jedním z herců jako rekvizita. Primární efekt manifestující při generální zkoušce. 0 fatalit, 2 zranění. Agenti Nadace se úspěšně zmocňují objektu.
Red Lake, Minnesota (4/12/2009) - Žena s SCP-9912 před manifestací primárního efektu používá SCP-9912 k útoku na dva mladé chlapce. Žena odsouzena pro vraždu prvního stupně a ohrožení na zdraví. 1 fatalita, 1 zranění. Žádný vedlejší efekt nepozorován. Agenti Nadace se úspěšně zmocňují objektu.
Praha, Česká Republika (15/9/2012) - [DATA ODSTRANĚNA]. 12 fatalit, 33 zraněných. Maskováno jako výbuch 200kg munice v obytném domě. Agenti Nadace se nebyli schopni zmocnit se objektu.
Dodatek - (16/9/2012): Předmět je doposud mimo vlastnictví Nadace SCP. V minulosti byl SCP-9912 několikrát předmětem prioritního zájmu Globální Okultní Koalice, kdy v roce 19██ a 20██ byl předmět dvakrát cílem odcizení během útoku na Oblast-7. Je taktéž možné, že během Incidentu 9912-3 došlo k [DATA ODSTRANĚNA]. Není tedy vyloučeno, že skrz vlastnictví GOK byl předmět zničen, nebo se jim podařilo [DATA ODSTRANĚNA].
Item #: SCP-1994
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1994 is to be kept in a triple-locked safe at Site 38 except during testing. Under no circumstances are any members of genus Felis to be permitted access to SCP-1994 except during specified feeding times. SCP-1994 is to be given access to one (1) common housecat of any variety, size, or age three to five times per month, at the discretion of Researcher Valles. In the event of containment breach of SCP-1994, all Site personnel are to read this document to provide awareness of SCP-1994's true nature and to avoid cognitohazard-related mental disturbances.
Description: SCP-1994 is a predatory organism, closely resembling a small elastic collar with a bell attached, of a size and shape that suggests it is designed to be worn by a domesticated member of Felis catus. Research has failed to determine whether this is original form or if it has assumed this shape via unknown means.
SCP-1994 is motile, having been observed to stretch and propel itself in short bursts across flat surfaces, rarely more than two or three meters at a time. These bursts will be separated by up to ten seconds of idleness, followed by further movement. The "bell" attached to SCP-1994 rings frequently throughout this process. Members of Felis catus find this motion and sound particularly alluring, playing with and attempting to consume parts of SCP-1994. If proper feeding protocols are not carried out according to the given schedule, larger animals (including humans) will begin noticing SCP-1994 to a greater degree and will attempt to play with the object if forty-eight (48) hours pass between feedings. SCP-1994 has proven capable of feeding on animals of any size when presented with the opportunity.
SCP-1994 begins its feeding process when it comes into contact with saliva between 34 and 39 degrees Celsius. This typically comes about when an animal attempts to consume SCP-1994 during play. When exposed to saliva, SCP-1994 immediately jumps in the direction from which the saliva comes, narrowing itself into a thin oval and embedding itself in the esophagus. SCP-1994 then deploys hooked probosces from unknown orifices and pulls itself into the digestive tract of the affected animal. Once inside the stomach, SCP-1994 begins to consume the animal from the inside by unknown means, first draining all bodily fluids and moisture throughout the body into itself, then expelling an acidic substance that breaks down cellular tissues comprising organ systems, skeletal components, muscles, skin, and fur. The acid dissolves organic tissue into a yellow fluid that absorbs into SCP-1994, leaving no portion of the prey animal intact. The time required for this feeding process varies depending on the size of the prey animal, between thirty and ninety minutes.
Addendum 1994-1: Original containment protocols required that SCP-1994 be stored in a safe indefinitely, without feeding protocols. Incident 1994-03 took place 11/02/2002, when D-class personnel held at Site 38 began behaving in an abnormal manner, refusing to speak or eat and focusing all of their attention on SCP-1994's containment safe (originally located in a locker directly across from D-class quarters, visible through a window). This culminated in several D-class personnel clawing one another's faces and attempting to incapacitate one another with their teeth. Foundation Security forces dispatched to calm the riot found themselves likewise afflicted by a desire to interact with SCP-1994; two guards were killed and another injured by Agent Hueksen, who incapacitated the other guards and accessed SCP-1994. After placing the object on the floor and getting down on his hands and knees, Hueksen chased SCP-1994 around for several minutes, batting it back and forth, before attempting to consume the object. Feeding cycle ended 72 minutes later. Surviving D-class were rescued shortly thereafter. SCP-1994 containment procedures modified 13/02/2002.
Item #: SCP-1995
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures:
Description: SCP-1995 is a large rodent, approximately 90 cm in height (closer to 1m when standing fully erect) and 15kg in mass. When alone in a room, SCP-1995 will behave much in the manner of other rodents, exploring its environment through scent and feeding on any edible materials provided within the containment area. Experimentation carried out in the absence of other individuals shows that SCP-1995 will continue normal rodent behavior in perpetuity, so long as no other individuals enter the entity's proximity.
Individuals entering the presence of SCP-1995 will enter a particularly acute hallucinatory state. During this period, affected individuals will believe and repeatedly insist that SCP-1995 is their mother; this belief will persist if the individual's mother is dead, and in one experiment, the belief persisted in spite of the individual's actual mother being in the room at the same time. This hallucination will not alter the individual's physical perception of SCP-1995, though no aspect of SCP-1995's appearance or behavior will alter the individual's belief. Individuals affected by SCP-1995's effects will demonstrate affection and love for the entity, regardless of their feelings regarding their biological mother.
SCP-1995 has never been observed communicating verbally by any individual not exposed to its hallucinatory effects. However. individuals affected by SCP-1995 report having had conversations with the entity
Item #: SCP-1996
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1996 is to be contained in a High-Value Storage Locker at Site 38. Testing is permitted on Class D personnel under experimental conditions only. Under no circumstances is SCP-1996 to be used outside of experimental conditions. All experiments are to be monitored by multiple researchers, at least one of whom is to hold Level 3 clearance or above.
Description: SCP-1996 is a set of cast-iron "brass knuckles" of unknown manufacture. The severe rusting and general wear suggests the knuckles were produced sometime in the mid-19th century, but no specific information regarding its creation has been recovered to date.
SCP-1996's anomalous effects manifest themselves when the object is used to inflict injuries on living organisms. Physical damage caused by use of SCP-1996 on living tissue heals itself within seconds, reverting everything from torn skin and burst capillaries to serious muscle damage and skeletal fractures to an undamaged form. Blood shed via such injuries will return to the body, even if soaked into clothes. Use of SCP-1996 appears capable of inflicting severe, even life-threatening injuries prior to the object's reversion of physical damage. Individuals affected with SCP-1996 have reported that injuries caused by SCP-1996 are not less painful than equivalent injuries produced by non-anomalous means1; likewise, the "healing" process that reverses inflicted injuries is extremely painful, simulating the normal experience of cellular replacement and healing condensed into an extremely short timeframe.
Addendum 1996-1: SCP-1996 was discovered by Foundation researchers in 1991 when multiple D-class personnel described experiences in which violent interrogation methods were used on them by police to extract confessions. Affected D-class personnel were interrogated extensively, sometimes for hours in a row, and were unable to substantiate any allegations of abuse due to an absence of evidence. Foundation researchers ignored these reports until messages were intercepted relating to an ongoing investigation being conducted by the Federal Bureau of Investigation's Unusual Incidents Unit into similar reports, accompanied by indications that the UIU had procured such a device. Official dialogues between Foundation and UIU officials resulted in repeated denials of any such object; unofficial communications indicated that the UIU had obtained SCP-1996 but had lost the object through unspecified circumstances. The defection of a key UIU official onto the Foundation payroll brought with it information about SCP-1996's location; the object was located some weeks afterward.
Addendum 1996-2: SCP-1996 lost from Foundation custody via unknown means on 11/02/1992. Individual known as "Nobody" suspected to be involved. Search for object is ongoing.
Item #: SCP-1085
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1085 is to be kept in a steel-lined 60-cm thick concrete cell in the basement of Site 38. Should SCP-1085 make a reasonable request, such as for sustenance or entertainment, efforts are to be made to satisfy such requests so long as such efforts do not detract from containment procedures for any other SCP. Unless and until SCP-1085 begins to interfere in containment procedures for other SCPs, no efforts are to be made to remove SCP-1085 from the facility. Under no circumstances is any anomalous object to be contained at Site 38 that requires stricter or more secure containment procedures than those used for SCP-1085.
Description: SCP-1085 is a humanoid female, approximately sixteen years of age, 152 cm in height, between 45 and 48 kg in weight, answering to "Sarah". SCP-1085 speaks English with a slight American Southern accent; her IQ has been tested at 91. Research has confirmed that she has a mother, father, and two younger brothers in ██████, Tennessee, along with a school record that ends in February of 20██. SCP-1085 was last seen before the manifestation of her abilities at her school on 11/2/██; she was reported missing later that day. As no more preferable cover story has been devised to explain SCP-1085's situation, none has been provided; her parents remain convinced she is dead.
SCP-1085 has demonstrated an ability to teleport across distances of indeterminate length; her longest distance covered in a single observed "jump" has been 205 km, her shortest distance covered has been four meters. This ability is outside of her control, though she has said that with great effort, she can concentrate on remaining in a particular location. Her teleportation will consistently transport her to an area or room designed to contain its occupants; according to her testimony, her first several teleports took her to a nearby broom closet, the inside of an armored car, and a prison cell. When forcibly removed from a containment area, SCP-1085 will teleport to another location with a greater level of security; this will typically elect to transport SCP-1085 to an area of more secure containment at greater distance rather than an less secure room closer by.
Due to the inability to block her ability by any known means, SCP-1085 inadvertently teleported directly into SCP-231's containment chamber. SCP-1085 was removed before learning anything of SCP-231's situation; however, having effectively bypassed containment for an undisclosed, highly secure location, her ability is considered an extreme liability to the Veil Protocol. Despite SCP-1085's claims that she has no intent or desire to breach Foundation security, her lack of control over her abilities make it necessary that all efforts be made to keep her contained; as a result, she is to be kept in a high-security chamber in an otherwise low-security Site. Transfer from one site to another is carried out through construction of chambers of increased security in a line towards the destination; as SCP-1085 is forced out of one chamber, she teleports immediately to the next one. Due to the expense required to construct containment chambers of greater and greater security to contain a low-level threat, her Site 38 chamber is to be considered her permanent containment; any attempt to relocate her will almost certainly lead to a breach in security or require vast and unnecessary expense.
Addendum 1085-1: SCP-1085 has been demonstrating increased symptoms of depression and anxiety, likely having to do with her necessary isolation. The unwillingness of Foundation higher-ups to spare the expense for a counselor or therapist for SCP-1085 is only intensifying her unhappiness. Requesting a psychological evaluation for SCP-1085 before she does something drastic. —Dr. ██████, head researcher, SCP-1085
Addendum 1085-2: Request approved, so long as Site 38 is willing to foot the bill. Her containment is expensive enough without extraneous costs. —O5-12
Addendum 1085-3: Psychological treatment approved by Researcher Eskobar and carried out between 22/03/██ and 05/04/██.
Addendum 1085-4: SCP-1085's behavior indicates that she suffers from clinical depression, caused principally (but not exclusively) by her isolation and the circumstances of her separation from her family. However, during her interviews, she indicated that she had few friends and fairly low self-esteem even before her abilities manifested themselves. Additionally, she indicated that she experienced a traumatic event shortly before her teleportations began, possibly some sort of sexual asault in her school by a faculty member. Moreover, given the deep connection between that event and her abilities, I believe it is possible that her trauma may have been partially responsible for her abilities' manifestation. Regardless, she has indicated presuicidal tendencies, and I believe she may try to harm herself if not given therapy and medication. I am formally requesting further psychological treatment. —Dr. ███, head psychologist, Site 38.
Addendum 1085-5: Given the threat she poses to the Foundation and the lack of potential benefits to the Foundation through her containment (except for the obvious preference over leaving her uncontained), further treatment is denied. —O5-12
Item #: SCP-987
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: The twelve SCP-987-B stations are to be kept heavily camouflaged in their respective locations; they cannot be moved by any present means. When in isolated conditions, SCP-987-B stations may be portrayed as more conventional structures, such as civilian or government facilities. The twelve SCP-987-A platforms are disguised as conventional communication satellites in low earth orbit. SCP-987-C facilities 1 through 24 are contained within separate Foundation Sites, designated Omega-1 through Omega-24, under a variety of disguises. Site SCP-987-D is secure due to the inability of present non-Foundation technology to discover its location or purpose. Under no circumstances is any information regarding the nature or purpose of SCP-987, or the existence of Protocol Omega Nine-Nine, to be released to anyone outside of Overwatch HQ.
Description: SCP-987 is a network of orbital satellite platforms (SCP-987-A) and satellite dish arrays (SCP-987-B) capable of transmitting large amounts of information (capabilities appearing to be at least ██x10██ TB) across vast distances (tested to 9.2x10██ km). The network can be accessed from twenty-four facilities throughout the world. These facilities are programmed with a secure copy protocol program that appears to be designed specifically for the compression of very large pieces of information into transmittable data streams of manageable sizes.
Each Omega site contains ███ iterations of SCP-987-C, which take the form of circular metallic platforms three meters in diameter. The primary computer terminals in each location are capable of controlling each platform separately or all of them simultaneously. When activated by the central terminal, each platform is capable of compressing all matter within a cylindrical area encompassing the diameter of the platform up to five meters above the platform. The end result is a data file, approximately .███% as large as the original quantity of information. Once compressed, SCP-987-C transmits the data to the nearest SCP-987-B installation, which passes it to the nearest SCP-987-A satellite, which transmits the data packet into deep space.
All transmitted packets arrive at a location somewhere in the Epsilon Eridani system, where it is returned to physical form on the surface of a somewhat Earthlike planetoid (designated SCP-987-D). SCP-987-D has an ambient atmospheric pressure of ██ atm and temperatures ranging from between ██ and ███ degrees Celsius. Inorganic matter is able to survive the transmission with only a 2% chance of physical degradation. Organic matter has a 57% chance of degradation and transmitted individuals frequently do not survive in a physical form. However, when a transmitted individual dies on arrival, the transmitting satellite resends a similar, smaller file to the planet. Such individuals "arrive" near SCP-987-D in an incorporeal, semi-self aware form; these individuals appear and disappear at irregular intervals, usually outside of their control. They are somewhat aware of their condition, though standing orders remain not to mention their nature to them. These individuals typically appear, ask the nearest bystander a question about one of their relatives, and disappear.
Recovery Log 987: The stations comprising the SCP-987-B network were discovered over many years between 1762 and 1938. Their origin is unknown, and while the specifics of their manufacture were unknown or impossible at the original time of discovery, Foundation estimates calculate that human technology will reach the capacity to produce something on par with SCP-987 by the end of the decade.
The materials found in the SCP-987-B and -C stations have been used by various world powers to advance global technological development for two centuries. The British Empire acquired much of the documentation from these sites through various means; while the purpose behind SCP-987 was not discovered until 19██, the phrase "secure copy protocol" was associated with the project from an early date. The Secure Copy Protocol Foundation was begun in secret as a coalition between British, American, and Russian government agencies, with the intent of locating and securing the various components of SCP-987. The Foundation's charter was eventually expanded to include the containment of other unusual phenomena. Through the heavy use of amnesiac agents and modification of documents, the Foundation became autonomous and independent in 193█.
FROM THE OFFICE OF OVERWATCH HEADQUARTERS:
TO ALL LEVEL 5 PERSONNEL
By order of Overwatch Headquarters, the following modifications are to be made to Foundation event classifications:
Any BK-class biological disaster leading to the extermination or permanent alteration of human life or civilization is designated "BK-Ω".
Any CK-class end-of-standard-reality event with the potential to threaten life on Earth but leave extrasolar existence intact is redesignated "CK-Ω".
Any GH-class "dead greenhouse" event defying planetary reseeding is redesignated "GH-Ω".
Any SK-class dominance shift event that threatens the potential continuation of the human race is designated "SK-Ω".
Any XK-class end-of-the-world event that cannot be averted by known means is designated "XK-Ω."
In the event of an Omega-class scenario, all political entities represented on the Overwatch board have been given authorization to bring ████ preselected civilians to the SCP-987-C transmission stations for evacuation. Additionally, Sites 17, 19, and 76 have been built on top of three different SCP-987-C locations for ease of evacuation of key Foundation researchers and agents. All materials necessary to sustain human settlement on the planet will be established within █ months of this report's publication.
Item #: SCP-1082
Object Class: Euclid
Secure Containment Procedures: SCP-1082 is to be stored in the center of a 30cm cubical glass containment case in a 10mx15mx10m containment chamber at Site 23. Under no circumstances is SCP-1082 to come into contact with any structural component of the room. Should this occur, the chamber is to be evacuated and sealed, and one D-class personnel is to return the object to containment without modification of any of its controls. At the beginning of any testing of SCP-1082, ambient temperature in the containment chamber (or other location) should be between 37.5 and 38.5 degrees Celsius, and testing should be carried out only by remote means or using D-class personnel. Efforts are to be made to locate any other models of SCP-1082, particularly in the United States. Research is to continue into the purpose for SCP-1082's creation. See Addendum 1082-2.
Description: SCP-1082 is a circular thermostat, 25mm in height and 76mm in diameter. The front of the thermostat is plain, while the back has only manufacturing information in Cyrillic (along with a number, "42/500"). When placed against a wall in any room, SCP-1082 will attach itself by unknown means. Afterward, the thermostat will undergo three distinct stages:
1. Analysis mode: During this stage, SCP-1082 is capable of detecting the ambient temperature throughout the room and displaying it (in degrees Fahrenheit) on a red screen. The thermostat will not respond to attempts to change the temperature in the room.
2. Consolidation mode: When left for more than sixty (60) seconds, the screen on the thermostat will turn blue. All areas in the room will experience temperature fluctuations via unknown means, bringing the temperature of every component in the room to the ambient temperature. At this point, any introduction of heat or attempt to remove heat from the system will be met with failure. Additionally, should the system be expanded (for example, by opening a door that leads into a larger building), SCP-1082 will "consolidate" the temperature throughout the entirety of the new physical system after sixty seconds have passed.
It should be pointed out that, unless the ambient temperature is between 28 and 41.5 degrees Celsius (87-104 degrees Fahrenheit), any human body within the physical system affected by SCP-1082 will enter either hypothermic or hyperthermic shock, lose consciousness, and die within minutes.
3. Adjustment mode: SCP-1082 now emits an audible clicking sound, accompanied by a change in the screen from blue to yellow. At this point, the outer rim of the thermostat becomes adjustable, and will elevate or decrease the temperature of the room nearly instantly at the rate of four degrees per rotation. Via remote means, the temperature has been adjusted to as low as -90 degrees Celsius and as high as 450 degrees Celsius before remote means failed. However, SCP-1082 will automatically begin raising or lowering temperature as needed to return to 38 degrees if not adjusted for ten minutes.
Analysis has not been able to determine where lost thermal energy goes, or where new thermal energy comes from. No loss from nearby systems has ever been detected, and the only available theory suggests that SCP-1082 is capable of storing and releasing vast amounts of energy as needed.
Addendum 1082-1: SCP-1082 was discovered in ████████ Gulag, Irkutsk, Russia on ██/██/92 by the Psychotronics Department of the GRU. The device was found attached to a wall in a sub-basement, along with ██ corpses (all identified as prisoners arrested between 1973 and 1991 by the KGB). The gulag itself was deserted, though most of the internal doorways were open. ███ corpses were found in the gulag proper, all dead of sudden hypothermic shock. Analysis by PD GRU suggests that the sub-basement may have been used as an execution room, though KGB superior officers have claimed under interrogation they had no knowledge of the device's existence. Likewise, it is unclear as to why a Russian-made thermostat would use degrees Fahrenheit as a measurement scale. See Addendum 1082-2.
Addendum 1082-2: On ██/██/99, three unmarked crates were located in a former KGB safehouse in Vorkuta, Russia containing between them ██ iterations of SCP-1082. Several pieces of documentation were found nearby indicating an address in the United States, along with labels for international shipping. When the address was investigated by Foundation researchers, it was discovered to have been owned by a family of four since 2003; the family was unremarkable. The property was sold to the family after three unidentified individuals were removed by paramedics, all pronounced dead on arrival at the nearest hospital. Autopsies revealed all three had fourth-degree burns from scalding throughout their entire bodies. The fluid responsible for this scalding was not identified, but is believed to have been their own blood, superheated to ███ degrees Fahrenheit. An unidentified object was removed from one of the corpse's hands, later identified as an iteration of SCP-1082.
Item #: SCP-1085
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: The warehouse used to store SCP-1085 specimens has been designated Containment Area 9; given the number of SCP-1085 both in containment and that likely will be contained in the future, the Foundation has purchased ██ acres of land around the warehouse for the purposes of expanding storage capacity and maintaining security around the facility. Foundation security is ordered to shoot on sight any trespassers near Containment Area 9 except during testing of SCP-1085. Foundation researchers are to monitor unusual reports of violent crime for potential signs of SCP-1085 involvement.
Description: SCP-1085 is a production line of twelve-pane single-sash glass windows manufactured by the █████ Window and Door Company between ██/██/62 and ██/██/63. SCP-1085 can be kept in storage indefinitely without difficulty; specimens display their anomalous properties only when two conditions are met. First, SCP-1085 must be installed in an enclosed building; second, the window must present a view of the area outside the building to the interior of the building. Testing has demonstrated that installing the window into an interior wall has no effect.
If any glass portion of SCP-1085 is cracked or damaged in any way, the area outside the window can be designated SCP-1085-1. Subjects entering SCP-1085-1 demonstrate an increased willingness to commit crimes, particularly violent crimes; this willingness increases with the amount of time spent in SCP-1085-1. If a damaged iteration of SCP-1085 is left in place for longer than █ days, people in the surrounding area will migrate in increasingly larger numbers to SCP-1085-1 for the express purpose of committing acts of violence against people and property nearby. In addition, police or authority figures entering SCP-1085-1 demonstrate an eagerness to use unnecessarily violent or brutal means to suppress these criminals.
Addendum 1085-A: Recovery Log The Foundation first learned of SCP-1085's existence after the acquisition of several UIU documents pertaining to a raid against a major Prometheus Labs facility on ██/██/60. In the aftermath of this raid, over █████ small glass panes were confiscated by the FBI as evidence. Departmental budget cuts later forced the UIU to abandon containment of the confiscated glass by selling it to █████ Window and Door company in 1961, where it was incorporated into their 1962 production line (estimated at ████ units). The production line sold quickly, particularly in urban areas. SCP-1085 is believed to be partially responsible for violent crimes and deaths in Newark, Detroit, Birmingham, Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, and many other cities over the next several years.
To date, only ███ iterations of SCP-1085 have been located and contained since 1965.
Item #: SCP-1492
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1492-1 is to be kept in a multiple-failsafe locker at Reliquary Site 76. Dr. ███████, head researcher, is to keep the only copy of the physical key to the locker. Under no circumstances is SCP-1492-1 or any information contained thereupon to be duplicated or made public in any way; Class C amnesiacs will be provided to anyone under Level 4 coming into contact with the object. Any image accompanying this file is to be altered to make identification of words on the page impossible. No details about the appearance of SCP-1492 are to be revealed to anyone without Level 3 authorization, with the exception of the central shape (which is harmless in and of itself).
Description: SCP-1492 is a symbol comprised of a circumscribed X surrounded by [REDACTED]. The effects of SCP-1492 can be produced only through the use of SCP-1492-1; tattooing or otherwise artificially applying the design has no anomalous effects. Details regarding SCP-1492's effects are included below.
SCP-1492-1 is a scroll made of amate, a form of Mayan paper. The writing is in an unknown alphabet; decoding was possible due to noted similarities to the Greek alphabet, though with many unknown or heavily altered letters and a complete change in grammar and syntax. Once transliterated, the words themselves bore similarities to a mixture of German, English, and Cherokee.
The scroll itself is in fair condition; however, much of the writing on it appears to have suffered extensive damage, and much of it is unreadable. Only two notable areas still bear readable information. The most relevant is a segment of the scroll (Section 55) detailing what appears to be a theologically-based punishment ceremony, combining elements from several Amerindian cultures. The ritual's desired effect, however, is more similar to the Greek system of democratized ostracism.
In the ritual, several rulers of a given area stand in a circle in positions relative to [REDACTED] and two other astronomical bodies and invoke the presence of a number of different gods, including members from the Greek, Roman, Irish, and some Amerindian pantheons. A reading is given of various offenses committed by an individual within the area, who should be kept within the circle. Each ruler recites a series of chants in a particular order based on their position, followed by all members chanting together for ██ minutes. After █ minutes of this have passed, the individual in the center (referred to in the scroll as "the Exile") will begin to feel an intense burning sensation in the center of their forehead, becoming increasingly painful until the chanting is complete.
After the conclusion of the ritual, all citizens or occupants of the town at the time of the ritual's completion (referred to in the scroll as "the Loyal") will perceive the Exile to have SCP-1492 branded on his or her forehead. Experimentation has demonstrated that this effect is illusory; only Loyal persons report seeing this mark, and postmortem photography verifies that it is not physically present. All Loyal persons will become violently hostile towards the Exile, regardless of any prior interactions they had with the individual; this included prior friendships or familial bonds. If the Exile attempts to enter the area, all Loyal occupants will attempt to intercept and assault the individual, culminating in death if the Exile fails to escape. Anyone becoming an occupant or citizen of the area will join the Loyal faction and will experience similar hostility towards any iteration of the Exile. While Loyal individuals will not actively harm Exiles outside of the town's borders, they will be actively rude towards an Exiled individual and can be provoked to violence against them very easily.
Addendum 1492-A: Experimentation authorized 11/02/88. A tent city was erected in a field outside Site ██ and populated with 106 D-class personnel. Five were chosen by Level 4 researchers as "councilors"; for redundancy's sake, a mock election was held, and remaining D-class personnel were ordered to vote for them. One D-class (D-18349) refused to do so and was selected to become the Exile.
18/02/88: Astronomical bodies in closest correct alignment. Ritual depicted on SCP-1492-1 carried out in full.
Debriefing Interview, Research Assistant Dr. ███████/D-18350
Note: Personnel D-18349 and D-18350 were apprehended together on ██/██/87 and convicted of murdering the former's father, the latter's uncle. The two maintained close bonds throughout their imprisonment and their time with the Foundation, spending much of their time with one another.
Dr. ███████: Where were you when the ritual took place?
D-18350: Um, pretty close to the site. It was just the five muckety-mucks doin' the talking, but c'mon, what were the rest of us supposed to do? Not like we were havin' Movie Night in the tent city. (scoffs) Glad that shit's over.
Dr. ███████: Did you discuss what was happening with anyone around you?
D-18350: Naw, I wasn't that close wit' the others then. They thought I was some kinda snitch or somethin', I dunno what was up wit' them. Naw, we just sorta watched in quiet. Wasn't much to see, honestly.
Dr. ███████: What happened after the ritual was complete?
D-18350: Um…well, ya got me. I was watchin' the junk goin' on, then I remember I was kinda sleepy…next thing I remember, we're all walkin' back to the tents. We were all buddy-buddy after that, me and the others. (pause) That is kinda odd, now thatcha mention it. Ah, well.
Dr. ███████: So you don't remember what happened to your cousin?
Dr. ███████: D-18349.
Dr. ███████: You know, [REDACTED].
D-18350's eyes lose focus and his mouth goes slack
Dr. ███████: D-18350?
D-18350: We do not speak of the Exile. He is anathema to us.
Dr. ███████: D-18350, do you remember what you did to him?
D-18350: We do not speak of the punishment. It was deserved. He is anathema to us.
Dr. ███████: D-18350, you and one of the doctors beat him unconscious. You cut off his scalp and—
D-18350: He is anathema to us. Do not speak of the Exile.
Dr. ███████: Do you remember what the other researchers were doing?
D-18350: They joined us in the great justice. They heard the call as we did. As you would have.
D-18350 was terminated on schedule, maintaining good relations with the rest of the D-class assigned around him until that time.
Addendum 1492-B: Aside from section 55, the other legible area is a penciled note at the beginning of the scroll, reading "PTOLEMY XV LIBRARY, ALEXYLVA UNIVERSITY." It is accompanied by a call number and a scribble reading "MV A.E. ± VI cy.", believed to be a date. If correct, the method by which so precise a date was established is unknown. The scroll was located in [REDACTED] National Park in Tennessee, reaffirming current theories regarding the location and status of Alexylva University and the activities of its Department of Natural Philosophy.
Item #: SCP-1086
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: The area around SCP-1086 is to be surrounded by an electric fence, with access limited to authorized Foundation personnel only. The interior of SCP-1086 is to be monitored by video camera at all times. Access to SCP-1086 is to be granted for testing purposes only; any attempt at access without authorization will result in demotion to D-class. All iterations of SCP-1086-1 found outside SCP-1086, and particularly those found in other Foundation containment sites, are to be shot on sight.
Description: SCP-1086 is a building in █████████, Tennessee, known as the "Last Chance Saloon"; the sign on the front of the building indicates it was established in 1913. When not occupied by Foundation personnel, the bar contains seven eight individuals: the bartender (SCP-1086-1) and six seven otherwise nondescript patrons (SCP-1086-2 through 7 8). These individuals are always present in the bar and have been since discovery by the Foundation in 192█. SCP-1086-1 through - 7 8 have never been seen to consume any food other than light snacks at the bar or any drinks other than alcoholic beverages. Patrons within SCP-1086 typically sit in silence except when ordering more food or drinks. The source of the food and drinks is unknown; the bartender pulls them from beneath the bar already prepared, though nobody is ever seen restocking or assembling them. Attempts at examination are met with violent resistance. MAKE DESCRIPTION DESCRIBE THE SCP MORE CLEARLY.
All possible experimentation has suggested that the patrons are human; however, SCP-1086-1 through 7 8 have repeatedly demonstrated unusual behavior (see Addendum 1086-2). However, both from interviews with the bar's clientele and experimentation with D-class personnel, it has been demonstrated that individuals within SCP-1086 do not age. The mechanism by which this takes place is unknown; no unusual electromagnetic emissions or radiation has been detected emanating from the building.
Addendum 1086-1: Integration Procedure Between 03/12/82 and 13/12/82, test subject D-5165 was introduced into SCP-1086 for experimental purposes. Based on the experiences of D-5165, the experiences of subjects introduced to SCP-1086 can be broken down into three categories: collapsible show="Show list " hide="-Collapse"
Phase I: Introduction Upon entering SCP-1086 for the first time, D-5165 experienced a form of euphoria similar to "going to a disco"; this was in spite of the generally sedate nature of social interactions within SCP-1086. D-5165 continued to demonstrate excitement at his surroundings for the duration of his time in SCP-1086, expressing regret when ordered to leave. When outside of the bar, D-5165 repeatedly mentioned how much fun he had and encouraged others to join him.
Phase II: Adaptation When reintroduced to SCP-1086, D-5165 behaved more calmly, similar to the other patrons; upon entering, the patrons greeted the individual by name and offered to purchase drinks for him. The bar became more lively; patrons held pool tournaments, danced to music from the jukebox, and conversed about a number of topics relating to 1920s politics and culture. At this point, D-5165 now actively, though weakly, resisted being removed from SCP-1086, and patrons became annoyed at the security detachment encouraging the subject to leave.
Phase III: Absorption D-5165 introduced for third time, on 13/12/82; without delay, he proceeded to the bar, sat, and ordered a drink. D-5165 then became a permanent patron of the bar and could not be removed. Likewise, the anomalous properties of the other patrons now apply to the subject (see Addendum 1086-2). D-5165 is now known as SCP-1086-8.
Addendum 1086-1: Once the anomalous nature of the bar's patrons was determined, Foundation security personnel were sent in to attempt to remove SCP-1086-8 from the bar for testing purposes. The subject refused to leave voluntarily, and all attempts made to forcibly remove him from the bar were met with extreme difficulty. Four members of MTF Alpha-7 ("The Bouncers") were sent in to remove the subject; as soon as the target called for help, all of the other occupants immediately moved to repel the task force. All attacking patrons demonstrated extreme capability in hand-to-hand combat, while the bartender made use of an aluminum baseball bat. The rest of Alpha-7 entered and began firing at the attacking patrons, killing several. However, immediately after each patron died, an identical copy of that patron emerged from the men's bathroom and rejoined the fight. When possible, patrons would drag their own dead bodies into the bathroom; bodies hidden in this manner were never located. After taking heavy casualties, Alpha-7 withdrew with one of the patrons' bodies into the parking lot; the patrons did not pursue. Analysis of the body revealed no conclusive anomalous features.
Addendum 1086-2: On 12/03/9█, Site ██ reported a security breach in its Keter containment wing. Site security detachments responding to the breach found several muscular humans in 1920s clothing, led by a man carrying an aluminum baseball bat, attempting to instigate multiple containment breaches and damaging any other breakable materials nearby. The attack resulted in three different SCPs breaching containment before the group could be subdued; casualties at Site ██ ultimately numbered in the dozens. Security forces reported the lead attacker, identified conclusively as SCP-1086-1, charged towards the detachment while screaming "I told you guys to get away from my bar!" before being gunned down. Analysis of the bodies was similarly inconclusive, revealing no anomalous features; however, a subsequent examination of SCP-1086 showed that all of the attacking patrons seemed to be present, though behaving rather colder than usual. Since then, iterations of SCP-1086-1 have appeared ██ times at different Foundation locations across the world; security footage has demonstrated that he consistently appears from a restroom near the most valuable area in the facility and attempts to cause as much damage as possible before dying.
Item #: Not presently classified
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-000 is to be kept in a locked storage container in Site 19. Should any other instance of SCP-000 be located, it is to be secured by Mobile Task Force Gamma-7 and brought to Site-19 for testing. Access to SCP-000 for field use is authorized in limited circumstances, though to be used exclusively by personnel certified by Foundation researchers in its use and, more importantly, its storage when not in use. Object is to remain within Container 000-Beta at all times; safety device is to remain active on 000-Beta except when being used. Given the essential need for accuracy in its use, SCP-000 is fitted with a hollow tube for directed spray. Removal of this tube is grounds for termination, as is use of SCP-000 on humans at any time. Privileges rescinded. See Addendum 000-2.
Description: SCP-000 is a spray canister filled with an unknown substance, labeled “D-Bolt!” All markings on the can market D-Bolt! as a typical lubricating spray, factory manufactured in [REDACTED], Tennessee in 198█. Research indicated that no such product has ever been manufactured, that the given factory does not exist, that [REDACTED] is presently a small town with a population of 490, and at no point in its history has [REDACTED] either had such a factory or had a population large enough to sustain one. A stamp on the can's underside reads “█████████ UNIVERSITY PPO.” “PPO” is believed to be short for “Physical Plant Operations;” however, no records exist of an institution named “████████ University.”
When the chemical within SCP-000 is applied to any complex machine that uses screws, bolts, nails, rivets, welds, or any other connective mechanism, the machine will become functionally useless due to persistent mechanical failure relating to its connective mechanisms. This will take place regardless of what part of the machine has the substance applied to it. Failures resulting from application of SCP-000 will always take place once the machine is in use and will usually result in injury to the machine's operator. Devices disconnected from one another by SCP-000 cannot be reconnected without the effects recurring. Despite its age, SCP-000 is 50%-75% full at all times. It is unknown how SCP-000 refills itself. See Addendum 000-2.
Addendum 000-1: Recovery Log for SCP-000-1
The object's anomalous properties came to light when Foundation researchers came into possession of a video recording posted on [REDACTED] (since removed). In the video, two teenage boys (names redacted, heretofore “Daniel” and “Jared”) demonstrate SCP-000's properties:
0:00-0:45: Daniel arrives at Jared's house on a bicycle. Daniel rides around the street in circles for several moments, demonstrating that the bicycle (revealed later to be stolen) is in perfect working order.
0:45-1:12: Daniel and Jared argue over who is to operate the bicycle. After an exchange of money, Jared produces SCP-000-1 from a bag and briefly sprays the end of the left handlegrip.
1:12-1:20: Daniel mounts the bicycle and rides away from the camera. He begins to turn back around.
1:20-1:22: The bicycle experiences failures in at least 27 different parts simultaneously. Among the most significant: all welds connecting the components of the main frame break, the screws connecting the handlebar to the frame shear off, both brake lines separate from the handlebars, and the chain fractures into four distinct pieces. Daniel falls to the ground, badly scraping his arm and spraining his wrist.
1:22-1:45: Jared runs to Daniel's location and surveys both the damage to the bicycle and Daniel's injuries. After helping Daniel to his feet, Jared pretends to “mace” Daniel in the face with SCP-000-1, accidentally releasing some of the chemical onto him. Video ends.
When MTF Γ-7 moved to secure SCP-000-1, Jared's parents mentioned that Daniel had been hospitalized with unusual injuries after the video was made. Investigation at the hospital revealed that Daniel's skeletal structure had separated in multiple places, including the dissolution and apparent removal of the synarthroidal joints connecting the parietal, occipital, and temporal bones in the skull. Surgical intervention was unsuccessful in rebuilding any of the disconnected joints, and Daniel died within the week.
Addendum 000-2: Additional Properties
After a number of violations of Special Containment Procedures regarding use of SCP-000 on humans in the field, permission to use the object in field operations was rescinded by order from O-2 until further tests could be run. Experimentation with SCP-000 on both mechanical and D-class personnel revealed several details about the object's secondary effects:
- SCP-000 induces a subtle but increasingly overpowering compulsion in those who hold it. This compulsion makes the subject want to spray the contents of SCP-000 onto as many machines as possible, and eventually onto endoskeletal organisms.
- The contents of SCP-000 will decrease at a predictable rate (quantity of contents being estimated based on the can's weight) when applied exclusively to mechanical devices.
- The contents of SCP-000 will increase at a predictable rate when applied exclusively to organic material.
Item #: SCP-000
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Protocols: SCP-000 is to be stored on an external hard drive in Site 19's technological storage vault, safe #███. SCP researchers will continue to monitor video sharing services and delete any new iterations that appear.
Description: SCP-000 is a video that first appeared on [REDACTED], a pornographic website, at some point in 199█. The video depicts a fairly standard amateur sex scene between two consenting adults, which explicitly begins with the couple setting the camera on a tripod and mentioning that they are alone. Conversation between the two reveals that he is married to another woman, to whom he is no longer attracted due to the wife's weight gain and general appearance, and that this is not the first time he and the woman in the video have met for the purpose of sexual relations.
The couple undresses and begins to engage in sexual intercourse intermittently for fifty-five minutes, interspersed with physical affection and further conversation. As they begin intercourse for the third time, the video loses focus momentarily. When it returns, a blue tint is present. Intercourse continues for 90 seconds; the microphone on the camera begins to pick up heavy breathing intensifying in volume that does not appear to be emerging from the bed.
At this point, the camera is lifted off of the tripod, raised to a height of approximately 150 centimeters and begins to move towards the bed. Neither member of the couple reacts as if anything unusual is happening. The only audible sound left is the heavy breathing.
The camera continues observing events from above for sixty seconds. Without warning, a blade descends from above view and [REDACTED] though unreliable without physical examination, the weapon appears to be a █████ -brand machete. Though the woman appears to be screaming, no audio is registered besides heavy breathing, now in a rhythm consistent with a frequent hacking motion. After ██ seconds, the camera focuses on the man, who is also screaming (though there is still no audio to verify). The machete then [REDACTED] profiling suggests that attacks of this ferocity suggest personal, rather than professional motives, and a particular anger regarding the sexual misconduct in which the man was engaged.
After █ minutes, the camera backs away from the scene and is lowered onto the tripod. When it clicks into place, the blue tint disappears. Recording continues for ten minutes, then stops. No other anomalous events are observed.
Experiments with D-class personnel have demonstrated that those who watch the video to the point at which the blue tint appears will feel compelled to watch the remainder, protesting any attempt to stop the video, and will report feelings of enjoyment at watching the more violent scenes. From reading the comments attached to iterations of SCP-000, most viewers do not watch the video long enough to reach this point.
Regardless of personal preference or sexual orientation before viewing, after watching the video, subjects will feel intense sexual attraction exclusively towards women approximately 140-160 cm in height, more than 70 kg (approximately 150 lbs), and at least 40 years of age. Additionally, subjects will begin to feel a particular animosity towards women between 18 and 30 years of age who physically resemble the woman in the video (blonde hair, slender frame). This animosity, if left unchecked, will develop into violent thoughts and tendencies. After conducting interviews with prisoners, researchers believe at least ██ violent crimes have been committed as a result of SCP-000.
Item #: SCP-951
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: All components of SCP-951 (SCP-951-1, -2, and -3) are to be stored in a locked, fireproof safe at Site-19. While the benefits of SCP-951 may warrant its deployment at a later date, research is still continuing into perfecting its use. Should SCP-951-4 manifest itself in any form, or should any personnel at Site-19 begin displaying typical characteristics of SCP-951-4 (increased military proficiency beyond norm, uncanny awareness of threats to Site-19, or any abnormal attraction to SCP-951), immediate termination is mandated.
Description: SCP-951 is a group of three statuettes, each approximately thirty (30) cm in height, resting on bases 5 cm square. SCP-951-1 (“Isis”) and SCP-951-2 (“Osiris”) are made of alabaster and conform otherwise to standard Old Kingdom Egyptian sculpture archetypes. SCP-951-3 (“Bast”) is made of an unknown metallic alloy. SCP-951-3 is similar to other statuettes of the Egyptian goddess Bast, despite having some unfamiliar features (holding a swaddled child and a glass of wine).
Inscriptions on the bottom of each statuette are Egyptian hieroglyphics that give some indication as to their actual purpose. SCP-951-1 has an engraving on its base that reads (approximately) “Upon the mantel, mother stands guard.” When SCP-951-1 is placed upon a mantel or any central display area in any room in any inhabited house, it chooses one inhabitant (“the Master”) to hold command over all others (“the Supplicants”) The Master will demonstrate telepathic command over all Supplicants, who will engage in household cleaning or maintenance at the whim of the Master. Anybody who attempts to enter the home with hostile intent will be placed in a third category (“the Enemy”). Supplicants will remove Enemies from the home as peacefully as possible, then return to their duties.
SCP-951-2's engraving reads “Above the door, the falcon defends.” When Osiris is placed centrally above the main entrance to a home, the same division of roles takes place. However, when an Enemy appears, the Supplicants will behave much more violently. Injuries will often be inflicted in excess of what is needed to remove the Enemy, apparently as punishment. Enemies rarely survive.
SCP-951-3's engraving is difficult to translate, with many unknown hieroglyphics and indiscernible diagrams. An approximation is “Watcher goddess [untranslatable] despair [untranslatable] for death.” Bast's location should form a [REDACTED—classified on order of O-5 command] to Horus and Isis; even if the other two are not present, SCP-951-3 appears to know where it should be to be effective. When deployed, a similar division of roles will take place. However, with Felix in place, Supplicants will display more of a worshipful attitude towards the Master, and will bring increasingly elaborate sacrifices to the Master, up to and including [REDACTED]. When presented with an Enemy, Supplicants will obtain makeshift weapons and [REDACTED] fatality rate is 100%, with especial damage to the Enemy's reproductive organs and heart.
SCP-951-4 manifests when all three statuettes are in place simultaneously. If the building is inhabited, the physically strongest Supplicant will begin displaying increased intelligence, strength, combat skills, and awareness. Over the course of the next day, this being, which may now be identified as SCP-951-4, will develop extraordinary speed, agility, and an almost telepathic awareness of the home's surroundings. Whoever previously served as Master will rapidly age and die on his or her own, and SCP-951-4 will continue to paying tribute to the corpse, often in the form of the remaining Supplicants, who will work until voluntarily submitting themselves for sacrifice. From this point on, SCP-951-4 will consider anybody near the building an Enemy, attacking and killing everyone in the vicinity.
So long as SCP-951-1, -2, and -3 remain in place, SCP-951 will not age or demonstrate a need for food, drink, or rest.
[[collapsible show="+ Potential Applications of SCP-951" hide="- Hide"]
O-5 Command has, to date, forbidden the use of SCP-951 in defensive situations, even in dire circumstances. This prohibition stems less from concern about the violent nature of personnel affected by SCP-951 and more from the effects the statuettes have on preexisting command structures. While experimentation has demonstrated that Foundation personnel are still capable of performing regular duties as Supplicants, and in fact execute their duties with increased efficiency, the exact mechanism SCP-951 uses to determine the Master is unknown, uncontrollable, and irreversible. Even when the statuette being used is moved and the effect broken, if the statuette assigns one person as Master, it will consistently choose that person as Master in subsequent sessions. Most importantly, the statuette will not necessarily choose the ranking officer on-site as the Master, undermining Foundation authority.
[[collapsible show="+ Recovery Report 951-Alpha" hide="- Hide"]
A pyramid in [REDACTED], Egypt was discovered on October 31st, 18██. Its pristine nature was assumed initially to be due to the low settlement in its vicinity (most other pyramids having been looted in order to build cities nearby). An analysis of settlement patterns and the mythology of nearby villages demonstrated instead that the almost complete lack of population around the pyramid was due to legends surrounding the pyramid. Older villagers told stories from childhood, passed down quietly through generations, of a divine sentinel placed in the pyramid at the will of an ancient Pharaoh who guarded the pyramid and its environs. When word of this “sentinel” reached the United States, Foundation personnel were deployed to attempt to infiltrate the pyramid. All attempts at entering the pyramid through either direct or indirect means, with any number of agents, all failed, revealing in the process many of the details now known of SCP-951's combat abilities. A perimeter was established around the pyramid and containment protocols put into place.
On October 13th, 1992, an earthquake registering 5.9 on the Richter scale was recorded on the outskirts of Cairo. The area of [REDACTED] was impacted with moderate damage. Shortly after the earthquake, a man estimated at 25 years of age and fitting the description of the “sentinel” exited the pyramid, looking confused and disoriented but otherwise healthy; he was intercepted by Foundation agents and debriefed. When a translator was located, he was able to tell his interviewers that he was the head guard for Pharaoh [REDACTED] and was assigned to protect the Pharaoh's body in the mortal world while his ka ascended to the next; he knew little else about his life. Agents were able to enter the pyramid, where they found the statuettes, knocked over by the earthquake, and secured them with numerous other unidentifiable artifacts still being analyzed.
Item #: SCP-1989
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1989-A-E are to be contained in a single suite at Site 38 with a single entrance; suite is to contain one (1) large bed, facilities for changing diapers (changing table, diapers of multiple sizes, baby powder, wipes, sanitary hands-free garbage can) to be maintained and restocked as needed, and one (1) industrial-sized sink. No other furniture or supplies are required for containment. Personnel are permitted to refer to SCP-1989-A by her given name during interactions with SCP-1989; personnel are required to under no circumstances discuss anything relating to the condition, circumstances, or containment of SCP-1989-B through -E with SCP-1989-A. If possible, SCP-1989-B through -E should not be discussed whatsoever in the presence of SCP-1989-A.
Under normal circumstances, SCP-1989 does not require extensive commitment of personnel beyond maintenance crews so long as containment procedures are followed correctly. However, in the event that personnel agitate SCP-1989-A in a significant enough manner to provoke attack, all available Site security are to report immediately to SCP-1989 containment with nonlethal suppression gear and attempt to subdue SCP-1989-A only. Any attempt to touch any other member of SCP-1989 will provoke further resistance from SCP-1989-A; testing on any member of SCP-1989 requires direct authorization from Site 38 command and multiple backup units armed with nonlethal suppression gear, particularly electromuscular disruptors.
In light of Incident 1989-1, the door leading into the containment area is to be steel-reinforced and unlockable only by three personnel simultaneously, one of them Level 2 or higher. Personnel assigned to SCP-1989 are to undergo psychological testing to weed out individuals likely to behave sympathetically towards SCP-1989 in a manner that breaches containment.
Description: SCP-1989 is a family of five, consisting of a single mother (given name "Betsy Craddock", designated SCP-1989-A) and four children (given names variable, designated SCP-1989-B through -E). SCP-1989-A is an adult female humanoid, real age indeterminate; her apparent age fluctuates from mid-to-late thirties (at the midpoint of SCP-1989's cycle) to early sixties (at the beginning and end of each cycle). All other members of SCP-1989 appear to be approximately four years of age; when new instances of SCP-1989-B through -E are born, such instances develop physically at a rapid rate until they also appear to be four years of age. This development takes approximately four months, and is entirely physical; other members of SCP-1989 are completely helpless and dependent on SCP-1989-A for feeding and do not develop cognitively in any way during their life cycles.
SCP-1989-B through -E are always identical male siblings; genetic testing, retinal scans, and fingerprint analysis have failed to determine any genetic or phenotypical distinctions between any of them. SCP-1989-A will accept any sustenance brought to her by Foundation personnel, but is capable of surviving indefinitely without food or water. All instances of SCP-1989-B through -E are nourished solely via breastfeeding from SCP-1989-A. The source of the nutrients used by SCP-1989-A in the absence of food and water are unknown; however, SCP-1989-A will demonstrate signs of malnourishment if large amounts of food are not provided. SCP-1989-A is remarkably territorial regarding her offspring, reacting poorly to attempts by personnel to interact with them and actively attacking any personnel attempting to make physical contact with SCP-1989-B through -E. Additionally, SCP-1989-A has demonstrated a remarkable lack of sensitivity to pain, combined with an almost complete inability to induce unconsciousness in the subject by any means yet discovered. SCP-1989-A wears a soiled white nightgown with several distinct stains from breastfeeding and childbirth, and resists any attempts to remove or examine the garment. Other members of SCP-1989 do not wear clothing other than diapers, and SCP-1989-A will use force to prevent Foundation personnel from providing any.
Testing has failed to find any method of applying any distinctive mark between SCP-1989-B through -E to assist in distinguishing the children apart; the application of ink, paint, or any other marking chemical will lead to SCP-1989-A attacking all Foundation personnel in sight and removing the markings by unknown means. The same phenomenon has been observed with RFID tracking chips and physical injuries; all injuries inflicted on SCP-1989-B through -E instances will heal remarkably quickly, and RFID tracking chips fail within minutes of implantation due to unknown means.
SCP-1989-A will undergo parthenogenetic self-fertilization every twelve months. At this time, SCP-1989-A will conceive either one or multiple new zygotes without the introduction of any external genetic material in any form. All pregnancies undergone by SCP-1989-A will continue normally in all instances until the eight month. At this point, one child will begin showing signs of malnourishment and starvation, turning pale and demonstrating symptoms of scurvy. SCP-1989-A will continue attempting to feed the dying child by any means necessary; the combined stress of continued breastfeeding of four children, combined with pregnancy, will cause SCP-1989-A to appear to age remarkably quickly, becoming gaunt and wrinkled.
Several characteristics of SCP-1989-A's birth procedure have been consistently noted among all ██ known instances of the event's occurrence. First, labor will be especially painful, with the mother demonstrating particular distress (but violently refusing any outside assistance) for its entire duration, typically 18-24 hours. Second, witnessing the actual act of birth has never been achieved; all electronic surveillance methods fail after the sixteenth hour of labor, accompanied shortly thereafter by fainting and unconsciousness among all Foundation personnel attempting to witness the procedure. Finally, when visual contact with the containment area is regained, the fetus will have been fully delivered. The mother will rise from the bed and clean the infant by any means available to her (including, in one experiment, orally removing blood and other foreign matter from the infant; a sink with running water has since been installed in SCP-1989's containment). Additionally, the previously ill child will no longer be present in containment. SCP-1989-A will begin referring to the new child by the previous child's name.
Addendum 1989-1: On █ May 19██, during the 19th occurrence of SCP-1989's birth period in containment, one of the "children" managed to escape containment while nearby personnel were unconscious. When the birth period had ended, SCP-1989-A became agitated and asked where the missing member of SCP-1989 was. When SCP-1989-A saw several personnel returning the missing entity to the containment area, she became convinced Foundation personnel were harming "her baby." SCP-1989-A broke containment by persuading two Site 38 personnel to let her look for the entity, then attacked and incapacitated them with her teeth and fingernails. SCP-1989-A was subdued (though remained conscious despite exposure to electromuscular disruptors) and returned to containment with all entities, whereupon SCP-1989-A became placid and focused on the new subject.
FROM THE OFFICE OF OVERWATCH HEADQUARTERS:
If you're reading this, it's all gone to hell.
The Foundation has plans in place for almost every contingency. We have plans in place to repair CK-class attacks on the fabric of reality itself, GH-0 protocols for rebuilding and reseeding all life on the planet. But we can't plan for everything. There's always the chance that one of the bulls we have by the horns will break free. Maybe 173 will learn how to breed. Maybe 682 will get its way and wipe out life as we know it. Maybe the witch-girl will wise up to the reality of her situation and cast "Armageddon". There are simply too many possibilities to assume we're always going to win out.
Hence the XK-class designation. And hence Protocol Ω-99.
The best records we have suggest that one of the first Antarctic expeditions found the array there. That was 1830. The groups that later came together as the Foundation did so by sharing information about the arrays they had found; all in isolated areas, all away from populated areas. Of course, the species has grown a bit since then, so a few are…a little more conspicuous than we would like. No matter. Our cover stories are impeccable, and nobody respectable suspects a thing.
We didn't know what we were looking at once we found the control center. The technology was obviously far beyond what we understood, the documentation was incomprehensible to us, and we were already scared. It took two decades before we could even begin testing. Nevertheless, the little bit we scraped from the surface jump-started the computer revolution, the space race, everything. The technology we gained wasn't made public for a long, long time, of course. Let's just say there were some footprints on the moon well before Armstrong got there.
We figured it out, back in the fifties. The defaults on the controls led to somewhere in the Sagittarus Galaxy. We thought we killed the first test subject. When he came back and told us what he saw, what was waiting for us…
Of course, when he came back as a ghost, we were startled enough. But it made sense. The odds of finding an M-class planet were slim, and our corporeal bodies were simply too easily corrupted in the transition. It's better to live like…to live anyway you can. To preserve the knowledge of the species. It still makes sense.
To answer your obvious question, we don't know who built it. We don't know when it was built. We don't know how. However, we've estimated the technology will be reproducible by human abilities within twenty years. We even don't know if that's significant. But of course, we don't know who, ultimately, will be the one deciding this will be an acceptable sacrifice. We picked the first test destination and called it 001-D. It's as good a spot as any, once you figure it's not like we'll need to breathe.
Global political representatives of major world powers serve on the board of Overwatch Headquarters for a reason. Just like the Foundation's name is similar to the abbreviation for "secure copy protocol" for a reason. We have plans to evacuate key Foundation personnel first, within minutes. The various governments represented in Overwatch have selected a thousand people apiece for evacuation next; some chose them based on intelligence, most based on political allegiance and favoritism. I don't know what kind of world we'll be living in if this protocol is ever used, but at least we'll be alive.
Well, close enough. I've felt fine with it for years now.
Item #: SCP-1003
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1003 is to be contained in a secure containment chamber at Site-16. SCP-1003 is only to be tested in lab S16-23L, and no unauthorized personnel are to be in a three-meter radius of SCP-1003 or SCP-1003-1. Any instance of SCP-1003-1 discovered outside of containment is to be destroyed.
Description: SCP-1003 is a hypodermic needle, similar in appearance to models produced in the early twentieth century. The needle bears no manufacturing stamp or date.
When within three meters of SCP-1003, individuals will become fixated on SCP-1003 and attempt to inject themselves with it. Variations in the behavior of affected individuals has appeared based on the subject's age. The chart listed below shows common reactions by age:
|infant-4 years||no effect|
|5-10 years||If left alone, subject will pick up SCP-1003 and play with it. In the course of play, subjects will accidentally inject themselves in the finger. Subjects in group settings will play "doctor"; the first subject to pick up SCP-1003 will inject the others, give it to one of the other subjects, and allow themselves to be injected.|
|11-20 years||If left alone, subject will make a tourniquet around one arm and inject themselves with it. If no material is available to craft a tourniquet, the subject with inject themselves in the leg. Subjects in group settings will follow the previous procedure, passing the object to one another.|
|20-55 years||Lone subjects will inject themselves in the [DATA REDACTED]. If in a group, they will follow the same procedure, passing the needle around.|
|56+||SCP-1003's primary effect does not occur. Subjects report a mild feeling of discomfort while in a three-meter radius of the object.|
When injected by SCP-1003, iron, silicates, and other minerals will congregate in the veins near the area receiving the injection. These materials will form a hollow needle. Once the needle has formed, it will travel to the nearest central bodily cavity. Once there, more minerals will form into a complete hypodermic needle within the body. The shape and size of the syringe will vary from subject to subject, though every subject will produce syringes that are consistent in appearance; instances will also vary in rate of growth. All instances of these syringes are classified as SCP-1003-1. When the subject dies (usually from internal damage to the multitude of syringes appearing in their body), all instances of SCP-1003 will disappear from the body and reappear nearby.
Instances of SCP-1003-1 will have the same anomalous properties of SCP-1003. All attempts to save a subject suffering from SCP-1003-1's presence have proven unsuccessful.
Addendum 1003-A: Recovery Log SCP-1003 was first documented in the New Zealand countryside in 1918. Foundation members were called in after a hospital housing over ███ people infected with the Spanish flu began showing symptoms of internal bleeding, along with lacerations to many major internal organs. Investigations by Foundation researchers showed that doctors working at the hospital were injecting individuals with instances of SCP-1003. In the course of recovery, all agents but one became infected by SCP-1003. Agent ████████, who was beyond the age of risk to SCP-1003 and was unaffected by its anomalous properties, was able to collect all instances of SCP-1003 and destroy them, except one. This specimen was transported to Site-██; researchers classified the object SCP-1003. Mobile Task Force Theta-3 ("Pharmacologists") was sent to terminate remaining individuals infected with SCP-1003, destroy any other instances of SCP-1003, and destroy the hospital via incineration. Ɵ-3 was successful without incident.
"He's going to live," Dr. Garnet said.
Agent Strahm breathed a long sigh of relief. "How long will he be in the hospital?"
Dr. Garnet looked around the room, unable to make eye contact. "I'm afraid…I'm afraid the situation is a bit more dire than that."
"What do you mean?" Strahm said. "I thought he was okay?"
"I said Dr. Gears would live," Garnet replied. "But the accident has had some…unintended consequences."
Strahm was terrified of that. The explosion had damaged central containment in Site 19, releasing four different SCPs. All had been contained, and all injured personnel had been evacuated. Four of the seven had died. Two more were in critical condition. Only Dr. Gears was likely to survive.
If survival was what you could call it.
"What's going to happen to him?" Strahm asked.
"Several critical CPU components from SCP-2103 are embedded in his brain," Dr. Garnet replied. "In addition to that, we've identified at least two other SCP phenomena that have modified the programming for those components. In essence, Gears is now a man with a robot in his brain, and so far as we can tell, the robot is insane."
"Insane?" Strahm asked. "What do you mean?"
"Periodically, the robot will take control of Dr. Gears' vocal cords and motor functions. At that point, Gears, or the thing inside Gears, begins shouting some of the most utterly repulsive things I have ever heard in my life. I have known Dr. Gears at least as long as you have, Agent, and I assure you, the thoughts that…thing inside of him express would disgust him. We're not sure if he's aware of the connection yet. He hasn't regained consciousness."
"What does Gear—I mean, what does the thing in his head say?"
Garnet's face reddened. "Extensive discussions on the feasibility of pedophilic relations with various fictional characters from cartoons. General exhortations of the positive aspects of rape in general. Eventually, it devolves into various nonsensical attempts to discuss rape as a part of every conversational topic imaginable. I heard him make some reference to 'Rape for President 2012' yesterday. Sometimes it just recites URLs for underage or otherwise horrific pornography."
"That's…that's disgusting," Strahm replied, covering her mouth.
"That's not all," Garnet said. "Every now and then, some traces of Dr. Gears's personality come through. He'll stop discussing rape and begin analyzing scientific developments, then segue back into rape again. The question is whether some of the robot's 'mind' is a part of Gears's too, or if they can be separated."
"Separated? How?" Strahm felt hope surge within her.
"This is extremely risky, you understand," Garnet began. "But we believe the robot will continue taking over Gears's mind unless it has some other form of output. It needs someplace to express these horrors. So…" Garnet paused, looking embarrassed.
"So what, Doctor? What are you going to do?"
"We're going to give it an Internet connection. We're installing wireless capability in with the computerized components, and we're isolating its access. We've put together an area where the robot can output its 'thoughts', safe and away from people. Gears should be able to have full control of his body, so long as the robot has somewhere to vent its perversions."
Strahm was terrified. "That sound extremely risky, Doctor. What if other people start interacting with it? Who knows what it would do then?"
Garnet shrugged. "The robot is calling himself 'xthevilecorruptor,' or 'ecks' for short. Who's going to interact with that? I think it'll be fine."
Item #: SCP-8008-J
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Reservations for the safe living of SCP-8008-J specimens are to be kept in selected locations within areas of habitation of each of its three subspecies. Area 8008-J-A is to be established and maintained in an area in the Mid-Atlantic and constructed to closely resemble Newark, NJ; Area 8008-J-B is to be established and maintained somewhere in the Lower Atlantic region and constructed to closely resemble an enlarged version of the town of Huntingdon, TN; Area 8008-J-C is to be established and maintained on the coast of Northern California and constructed to closely resemble the city of Portland, OR. Additional members of SCP-8008-J captured in the wild are to be tagged and released into their corresponding reservation habitats. Each area is to be guarded by multiple electrified barbed-wire fences and Foundation security forces; under no circumstances are contained specimens to be allowed access into the wild. Given the general lack of understanding contained specimens show towards security efforts, this is less to protect Foundation security and more for the betterment of humankind as a species.
Description: SCP-8008-J is a species of hominid closely resembling Homo sapiens sapiens that appears to have evolved parallel to the human race upon the planet Earth. SCP-8008-J is comprised of three sub-species that are grouped together as SCP-8008-J for convenience of containment, as all three require similar, though distinct, containment protocols. The three sub-species along with their principal characteristics are detailed below.
SCP-8008-J-A: Designated Homo douchus jerseyus. Recognized by their distinctive plumage and skin color, SCP-8008-J-A specimens are remarkably well-muscled, though much of the musculature is cosmetic in nature. Though born with markedly pale skin, SCP-8008-J-A specimens undergo a series of adulthood rituals in a metal chamber designed to darken the complexion; given SCP-8008-J-A's pack-style organizational structure, darkness of skin is believed to designate rank within individual packs.2 SCP-8008-J-A specimens are most noted for their mating rituals; male specimens will gather into packs and roam their environment, giving a distinctive bellow and displaying their muscular forelimbs, upper torso, and neck. When photographed, SCP-8008-J-A specimens will project their mouths outward, causing them to resemble the anal scent glands of the Mephitidae family. Foundation researchers have been unable to determine if this is an attempt to deploy a chemical deterrent agent, due to the olfactory interference produced by SCP-8008-J-A's natural musk.
SCP-8008-J-B: Designated Homo douchus dixus, these individuals are the most easily contained of all SCP-8008-J sub-species, due to the generally low population density of their natural habitat. SCP-8008-J-B specimens frequently display loyalty or adoration for a number of different primitive deities, suggesting their level of intelligence may be near human levels. Researchers have gathered some facts regarding the pantheon deified by SCP-8008-J-B specimens. Known members include Murka, possibly a creator god of some sort; Maguhns, a protector deity whose tokens or totems are ritually believed to be sought after by outsiders and thus very closely defended whenever threats are perceived; and Dasouth, a deity believed in SCP-8008-J-B creation myths to have been defeated by a demon called Yangqis but soon to "rise again," bringing about a utopian society without the rule of the evil god Soshlism.
12/05/11: I got it! I can't believe it!
Okay, calmed down a lot. The audition went really well, even better than I had hoped. I don't know if it was because I knew all my lines, or if it was delivery, or what, but I'm going to be in an off-Broadway play! They didn't seem to mind that I was a lot less experienced; they said it was "an inspiration to other Midwestern girls who come to Manhattan". !!! The rumors were true, by the way; they're casting the entire play with swapped gender roles, so it's mostly ladies. I was able to get in as the Duchess of Sortino, sort of a big role. I'm really nervous, but it actually makes me feel a little better that I'll be dead by the third act. Less pressure! I think this is going to go a long way towards getting me noticed in theatre work.
12/09/11: Second rehearsal went well. I was so embarrassed for a minute, though. We were right in the middle of going over the beginning of the third act. The BEGINNING of the THIRD ACT. My swan song! My death scene! And I fucked it up!
RRRRRRRG. I was coming to Petruccia's lodgings for dinner. I walked into their home and saw Gonzalo. I was surprised. All right on script. Then I started to walk off stage left, to be killed backstage, which is what MY script said. Suddenly, everybody on stage stops. Not pauses, stops, right where they were standing. I saw some of their eyes rolling back in their head, for God's sake. I was afraid there was something wrong with them for a second. Then everyone started looking at me like I was an idiot, showing me this new script they all had. I mean, they all had them right in their back pockets; I hadn't even noticed before. They came over and showed it to me.
HUGE REWRITE. HUGE. My murder happens right on stage, now. In front of everyone. Now it's like there's so much more pressure on me than before! And I'm being killed by the Duke of Wyn, who I hadn't even met before. It was so embarrassing. I didn't even remember his character from the script. I certainly don't remember the actor from the last rehearsal. I played along to save face, but God, it was horrible. I'm glad I don't have to come to every single rehearsal, so I might live this down.
2/11/12: Well on our way. Opening night barely a month away. The rewrites were tough, since I was so used to the old script, but I'm doing pretty well. Everyone seems to have really good chemistry, we all joke around, and everything seems pretty pleasant. The guy playing the Duke of Wyn keeps to himself most of the time. I just realized I don't even remember his name!
3/2/12: That really weird lady was at today's rehearsal too! She kept asking the oddest questions, usually of me,
Item #: SCP-1031-J
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1031-J is not to be contained. Rather, copies of SCP-1031-J are to be redacted to eliminate evidence of Foundation involvement, translated (showing care to maintain all original errors), and distributed worldwide. In particular, copies of SCP-1031-J are to be delivered to: Israel, Egypt, Northern Ireland, Chechnya, the American South, Northern Mexico, and published on every Internet chatroom currently in existence. Beyond this, efforts are to be made to ensure than SCP-1031-J is not encountered by lone individuals, but rather by (preferably large) groups of people at once.
Description: SCP-1031-J is a series of nine single-page reports, all relating to different phenomena investigated by the Foundation and classified as SCP-1031. All nine phenomena were ultimately discovered to be harmless and not in need of containment. However, in the course of documenting these phenomena, Foundation researchers found it impossible to manage a competent usage of Foundation classification protocol, stated policies as relate to documentation, or in fact the English language itself. Ultimately, it was determined that any file opened on Foundation servers relating to an object or phenomenon under number 1031 would become hopelessly corrupted through unknown (possibly memetic) means.
Due to the consistent and flagrant errors present in iterations of SCP-1031-J, solitary individuals exposed to these reports begin to display anger and frustration, leading towards threats of scatological or sexual violence towards the author and any living family related to the author. Continued exposure to SCP-1031-J by solitary individuals can lead to permanent psychological damage.
However, reports entered under SCP-1031 were found to possess a secondary characteristic connected to their incomprehensibility. Through research, it has been learned that when SCP-1031 reports are shown to groups of people rather than individuals, they are capable of vastly reducing physical and emotional stress, even causing pleasure for those groups exposed to them. In particular, individuals and groups otherwise opposed to one another have been able to find common ground through their mutual contempt for SCP-1031 reports; files exhibiting this characteristic have been reclassified as SCP-1031-J.
Through repeated exposure, and particularly repeated exposure to multiple iterations of SCP-1031-J, this common ground has been shown to develop into mutual respect and friendship. As a result, while no useful containment data has been received by way of any version of SCP-1031, SCP-1031-J has been shown to be an effective peacemaking device in situations that otherwise would result in unceasing conflict.
Addendum 1031-J-1: Excerpt Log Though the full contents of SCP-1031-J archives are too lengthy to be included here, some notable excerpts may be provided. Dr. ███ has volunteered to provide commentary, even after being informed of the grave risk to his continued mental state.
SCP-1031 came to the Foundation’s attention when a local teen broke into the building one night. This identifies neither the teen nor the night in question. The comment is hearsay.
A bomb-cratered, charred landscape, with what appears to be the shell of a car in the distance, lending credit to some kind of war or other offensive operation. Why a landscape would lend credit to a war is beyond current Foundation understanding, particularly in view of the unlikelihood of any repayment taking place in the near future.
If it happens again, I will find whoever’s responsible and have them immediately transferred to meet SCP-173. Don’t test me. I am not joking. Security is paramount here. Use your brains, people. Come on.” – Major Lynn Eco, Head of Onsite Security, Mobile Taskforce Rho-7. No such individual or group exists, no such group would be referred to as a "taskforce", that is a stupid name, and personnel are specifically forbidden from 1) threatening other personnel with punishment through exposure to Foundation-contained phenomena, and 2) using multiple 2-4 word imperative sentences in close proximity. If that's not a rule, it is now, goddammit.
Object is to be kept in a simple storage unit in the restricted access section of warehouse ███ Containment procedures protocol requires more detailed instructions regarding the exact location of contained objects. All Foundation buildings are proper nouns. Additionally, there is no storage unit classification known as "simple," nor any Foundation site known as "warehouse ███." There is also no section of a Foundation facility that is not restricted. Why would there be? Why would the Foundation waste money on having a big "Anomalous Items Here" flea market?
it was part of a set produced by a local metalworker made for sale at the event. All other pieces of the set have been procured, but have displayed no anomalous properties. interrogation of the metalworker himself indicated the item was entirely mundane before being sent to the event for sale. Foundation documentation protocols require the dedicated use of punctuation and capitalization, even when authors may be disinclined to use same. And what about sending a metal cup to a marketplace suddenly turned it into an SCP? Is the van that carried it an SCP too?
The goblet displays it's unusual properties only when filled with a foreign liquid, and then imbibed by a human being(testing on various animal species all ended with negative activity). when a liquid is introduced into the human mouth, it spontaneously transmutes into a different, seemingly random liquid. some observed examples have been: Foundation personnel are required to have graduated from an American high school or equivalent educational system, and while the standards in same have decreased rapidly over the last several decades, it is difficult to accept the idea that a human being would be entrusted with the care of potentially life-threatening, potentially species-threatening, materials when they are unable to use the word "its" correctly. Or parentheses. And what is a "foreign liquid" in this case? The object is innately dry by default; therefore, any liquid introduced into or around the object is foreign to it. Does the liquid need to be imported? And what does that mean, "ended with negative activity?" Did the animals get angry and kill the nearby researcher, as I'm considering doing with the author? Did they take up a life of gambling and goat prostitution? All of these are "negative activities." If nothing particularly happened, just say "without anomalous behavior" or "nothing happened, so we can all relax and stop writing about it."
Footnote: Though classed as safe, SCP-1031 still poses grave risk of physical harm to anyone who attempts to use it for it's intended purpose, and should be kept in a restricted access zone when not employed in foundation approved experiments
Addendum: [Optional additional paragraphs]
You are saying to me that you believe that someone would be allowed to work at an institution such as the Foundation, a place where anomalous objects and artifacts frequently kill people at random, a place where we have forcibly recruited sex offenders to die for us to advance scientific research, is going to see this anomalous object in containment and then casually take a drink from it. You said this to me in a sentence that misuses the word "it's," decapitalizes "Foundation", and has no period. You said this to me in a footnote that, defying my entire understanding of metaphysical reality, is not at the foot of the page. You then gave me an addendum that does not add anything to the report.
I am going to hatefuck every one of your living relatives until there is nobody left in this world who is obligated to pretend to love you. I will kill them all, and they will give me a Nobel Prize, and I will turn it down, because any monetary compensation will only cheapen the reward of seeing your tears. You must suffer the agonies of Job for this, you rancid shitstain, and I will not rest until the waking world is a greater Hell for you than any other living human.
Despite a commendation and concurrence from O5 command, Dr. ███ was relieved of duty due to incurable psychotic rage and terminated. Dr. ███ was posthumously bestowed many of the Foundation's highest honors for his sacrifice.
Item #: SCP-002-J
Object Class: Keter Safe
Special Containment Procedures: It is not possible at present to fully contain SCP-002-J, though containment of individual specimens is possible and encouraged at Site 99. Due to some of the peripheral compulsive effects of SCP-002-J, bystanders may attempt to intervene in containment; lethal force is permitted when necessary, though should not be used excessively to avoid attracting attention to Foundation efforts. See Addendum 002-J-3 for updated procedures.
Description: SCP-002-J is a species of parasitic quasi-humanoid lifeform. The precise origin of these lifeforms is unknown; they have been found growing in human females of all races, all ethnicities, most ages, and in all regions of the planet. No precise causal link between the females in question and the emergence of SCP-002-J has yet been discovered, though correlations may exist between the parasites' emergence and marriage, sexual intercourse, home ownership, crisis situations in surrounding areas, or any combination of the above.
SCP-002-J begins as a unicellular organism that growing rapidly within its host, emerging typically thirty-four to thirty-seven weeks later. The growth stage is extraordinarily taxing, depriving the host of nutrients, vitamins, minerals, and tremendous amounts of caloric energy; survival is impossible without a marked increase in consumption of all of these components. Even with this consumption, the parasite can kill its host at several points during the growth stage, and the emergence stage has been noted as particularly dangerous to the hosts' continued survival, even without SCP-002-J's secondary effects.
After SCP-002-J specimens emerge from their host, a IK-class (individually localized reality shift) event occurs. The effects of the shift are easily observed, though they are typically not regarded with particular surprise. After the shift, both the host and any romantic partner connected to the host (occasionally including the hosts' parents) experience dramatic changes in the course of their lives; observations of the phenomena in the United States have demonstrated those effects as follows:
1. Functional income reduced by approximately $19,000 or equivalent per annum, combined with a one-time loss of $10,000 at the conclusion of the emergence stage.
2. Hormonal alterations compelling hosts to continue providing nutritional and monetary support for the parasite, as well as both physical and psychological protection, for upwards of two decades.
3. A willingness emerges to subordinate one's own needs, desires, plans, and privacy to the benefit of the parasite, often without regard to financial or emotional cost.
4. In many cases, hosts and affiliated partners may find themselves unable to communicate or associate with non-hosts, due both to the hosts' near-constant commitment of time, energy, and thought to the care of the parasite, and the non-hosts' distaste for the effects being experienced by the hosts.
5. A decrease in hosts' life expectancy by an average of ten years.
6. A decrease in both quality and quantity of sexual experiences of hosts, particularly during the parasite's growth and emergence stages.
Individual specimens also project a secondary effect, often taking the form of a compulsion on the part of nearby humans (including the host) to express affection and love for the parasite, ignoring its lack of self-sufficiency, attractiveness, or the active harm it does to its hosts. This compulsion often induces uninfected humans to seek out vectors that will cause SCP-002-J to appear within them, as well as making the capturing of specimens surprisingly difficult, as both hosts and unaffiliated persons nearby will rush to defend the parasite. MTF Gamma-12 ("Lollipop Guild") will continue attempts to secure as many specimens as possible.
Secondary effects apply similarly to images of SCP-002-J; an image is included in redacted form with this file:
[[collapsible show="+ IMAGE REDACTED BY ORDER OF PROJECT LEAD" hide="- Hide"]]
Addendum 002-J-1: Continued observance of SCP-002-J specimens over time indicates that, despite their malformed appearance at the time of emergence (referred to by one researcher as the “boiled monkey phenomenon”), they are capable of developing into beings very closely resembling humans if provided with adequate nutrients and protection. Given the widespread nature of SCP-002-J, it is impossible to know exactly how many specimens are currently masquerading as humans to this day, possibly even as members of the Foundation; research into discovering means of discerning specimens from legitimate humans is underway, and Dr. ██████, project lead on SCP-002-J, has requested large increases in funding for this purpose.
Addendum 002-J-2: Dr. ██████, please report to my office at soonest convenience. We need to discuss your…unique contribution to the Foundation with this…discovery. —O5-█, ██/02/██
Addendum 002-J-3: Project lead Dr. ██████ committed suicide on ██ February 20██. His suicide note, while cryptic, made several mentions of "contamination" and "infiltration." Audits after his death led to the reclassification of SCP-002-J as Safe and the redirection of personnel to other projects. Investigations ongoing into activities carried out by personnel under Dr. ██████'s command when a nursery was found on the grounds of Site 99 with several unidentified infants.
The building's anomalous properties manifest themselves only when a subject within the bar attempts to use the men's restroom. Women attempting to use the men's room will not be stopped by the bartender.
Upon entering the men's room and entering a stall, subjects hear another person come into the room and enter the stall next to them. This other person will leave two minutes after entering, giving a brief window for interaction. If the subject begins a conversation, they will discover that the other person is a version of themselves from the past, always at a time directly before the subject made a decision that proved to be particularly influential in the course of their lives. The subject, if he or she so chooses, is capable of giving their younger version suggestions or advice that will change their personal history (see Addendum 1086-2). Given the implications behind this sort of power, access to SCP-1086 is denied to all non-Foundation personnel; requests to allow access to civilians, particularly requests made by SCP-1086-1, are to be denied at this time.
Addendum 1086-2: While the effects of SCP-1086 would appear to be extremely beneficial to test subjects, experimentation shows that, in reality, SCP-1086 is incapable of significantly altering the subject's timeline. For example, D-class personnel are invariably placed in the position of being able to advise their past selves to avoid the event that caused their imprisonment. However, all debriefings show that even when the younger version used the advice to avoid that situation, they found themselves in a similar situation shortly thereafter and committed the same crime as before, returning them to D-class status in the present. Likewise, when low-level researchers used SCP-1086, they advised their younger selves on how to avoid embarrassing or painful events in their past; however, having avoided them once, they found themselves more susceptible to making such mistakes later. Ultimately, individuals using SCP-1086 to date have been unable to alter any of the realities of their present situation, only the details. All testing personnel exiting SCP-1086 report the details of the conversation, which reveals events in both the original timeline and the altered one. Given the limited nature of the event, SCP-1086's effects have been classified as "CK2-class personal history reality shifts."
Fer Troy, plus ratings:
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-076 - - - - - - At least a 3, depending on if someone does a rewrite.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-076-2-splash - - - - - - - Um, a 4. Delete or serious rewrite needed.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-076-2 - - - - - - -Same as above.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-744 - - - - - - -2/3. Changing the MTF is possible, but likely tedious given all the references.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-354 - - - - - - -1. Change one reference and delete the cutesy little researcher note, which should happen anyway.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-175 - - - - - - -1, change reference to MTF and move on.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-105 - - - - - - -2, remove/change addenda 2 and 5. Might need more of a rewrite to make Iris make sense.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-10101-j - - - - - - -1, remove either the Able reference, the Omega-7 reference, or both.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-668 - - - - - - -1, change addendum 2
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-657 - - - - - - -2, has a long addendum at the end centered on Omega-7. Not much of an article left without it.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/scp-732 - - - - - - -1, put in another dumb reference and move on.
Tales and other miscellany
http://www.scp-wiki.net/incident-239-b-clef-kondraki - - - - - - -1, one reference in the beginning.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/784incident5 - - - - - - -1 or 2. One reference partway through, but may have been primary impetus for writing? Either way, can be taken out.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/incident-report-239-r-17 - - - - - - -1, one reference partway in, easily changed.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/task-forces - - - - - - -1; one obvious reference, can be removed.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-lockdown - - - - - - -2; several references to Omega-7, slight rewrite needed.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/the-lockdown-closed - - - - - - -2; more references to Omega-7, will need large-scale rewriting anyway.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/log-of-agent-aa - - - - - - -3; complete rewrite needed.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/reflections - - - - - - -2; rewrite needed.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/mobile-task-force-omega-7-r-r-handout - - - - - - -4. Whole document is based around Omega-7, obviously.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/incident-reports-eye-witness-interviews-and-personal-logs - - - - - - -1, link to above-mentioned tale.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/incident-076-2-682 - - - - - - -3; centered around Omega-7.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/procedure-pizzicato - - - - - - -1, simple substitution to background plot.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/drug-induced-sleep - - - - - - -1, simple substitution to first sentence.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/agent-ukelele - - - - - - -1, simple substitution to background plot.
http://www.scp-wiki.net/dr-clef-s-proposal- - - - - - -1, removal of experiment F, which is a humorous-addendum anyway and should probably just go on principal.
I've taken the list and descriptions from the Guide to Guides that is, ironically, part of the motivation for the destruction of all these Guides. But I like the categorization of these, so I'll use this list as is with my addenda. This proposal assumes that the goal of this project is to reduce the overall number of guides to as manageable a figure as possible.
First, a note on policy. Many of these Guides have been individually written by different authors for different reasons, and theoretically, their say goes on those pages. For those guides whose authors are no longer around, I'd say we can do what we like. For those with active authors, we can either a) request they give us access to their Guide's essential information, which we would then streamline the hell out of (including editing, including editing out some fairly funny material that we frankly don't need in serious guides anyway) or we can b) write our own Guides for that category of information if they are really insistent on not letting us use their work if they can't have it just how they want it.
Either way, we need to a) credit any author that lets us use their material, b) let authors of edited Guides make dedicated pages on the sandbox, to which they can refer anyone who wants to read the original, and c) instate a rule allowing Guides only with Admin approval. And, as you'll see, that will more likely take the form of adding materials to the preexisting guides.
I've taken the liberty of sorting guides into four groups, for reasons to be discussed below.
The Mandatory Guides:
Site Rules – What it says.
Guide to Newbies – More about how to behave on the site than how to write SCPs.
Deletions Guide – Understanding page ratings and the deletion process.
FAQ (the newer one) and Frequently Asked Questions (the older one) NOTE: Take what relevant information is in the latter, stick it in the former. We don't need two of these.
How to Write an SCP
Realtime Chat and Chat Guide NOTE: Same as with the FAQs. You can have instructions and rules in one place. Just keep all chat-related things under one roof.
Okay, so our two problems are 1) we have too many guides and 2) a lot of newbies don't read the Newbie Guides. Let's kill two birds with one edit, shall we?
Let's stick them all in one guide.
One page (call it the New Personnel Induction Packet or something) with *all* of this information; some of it (like the SS roster and other reducible information) in collapsibles. Maybe use tabs and keep the divisions as they are now. But really, while we need all of the information, having it in five different places seems to mess with people unnecessarily. Let's merge them and assign the whole kit 'n' caboodle as mandatory reading.
THIS ONE IS BY ITSELF 'CAUSE IDK WHAT TO DO WITH IT:
> About The SCP Foundation – an “in character” description of what the Foundation is/does.
Maybe merge into the aforementioned SuperGuide, maybe just leave alone. I get why it's necessary. It is really narmy at present and could use some touching up (I think we all are familiar enough with "e.g." to not need it spelled out in the original Latin), but we might just leave it where it is, since a general "About" page is pretty standard for any organization, and ours may as well be IC for the added immersion. (Super fuckin' narmy, though. Just sayin'.)
Useful and Generalizable Writing Guides:
Rules of Thumb – Eh. We've talked about the idea of Guides needing Admin approval in the past to avoid shitty guides, and this is a collaborative guide with a bit of chaff in it. It has no official standing whatsoever. Needs pruning, but we could keep it.
Random But Useful – Miscellaneous tips on SCP writing from Quikngruvn. NOTE: Could probably be merged into the Technical Writing section.
Dr. Mackenzie's Documentation Tips – Tips on SCP writing from Raven MacKenzie (who has written a LOT of SCPs). NOTE: Same as above; merge into some other section, but keep the essential information.
SCP Object Classes – Descriptions of the three Object Classes (all SCPs need one). NOTE: Sweet Jesus, we do not need separate guides for the object classes. Condense into the main object class guide. I suppose we can include descriptions of -J, -EX, Neutralized, and Decommissioned SCPs too, just to round out the list and make it more comprehensive.
Conservation Of WTF – Take usable ideas as needed.
Doing The Safety Dance – Same as above.
Zen And The Art Of [DATA REDACTED] – Same as above.
Technical Words and Technical Writing and You: NOTE: Second is brief and could be attached to first easily.
Writing a Humanoid SCP Object – Might be streamlined into the How to Write guide, or possibly vice versa. Either way, streamline.
Attribute Tag Guide and Tag FAQ and Tag Guide NOTE: These can be merged into one without a ton of trouble.
The Big List Of Overdone SCP Cliches
Secure Facilities Locations and Security Clearance Levels and Task Forces NOTE: These can be merged into one section for standing SCP pseudocanon, as that's what this is (TINC aside, there really sort of is a canon, and this comprises most of it.)
Groups Of Interest Is there much to do with this one?
These could be one guide too, in the same manner as the other SuperGuide. One great big guide to writing, canon (such as it is), and tone, with tabs dividing the different sections for those who just want to read about expungement or containment. A one-stop shop.
One major issue: Wikidot pages have a maximum character limit, and this could go beyond them. If that's the case, there are two solutions: trim these down or split them up. I like the first one more, really; if we mean to have serious, useful information in one place, there's a decent amount of extraneous cuteness that could be culled. Yes, I'm including mine in that. I wrote mine with cute stuff in it both to appeal to a userbase that might not have read it otherwise and because I like being cute when I write. But if we're going into super-srs Guide mode, it can go, and the same can be said for many of these other ones. Keep the useful information, chuck the rest. Again, we can let authors keep the unexpurgated versions in the Sandbox, but they don't need to stay on the main wiki.
Another issue: We can obviously debate the relative merits of one guide or another; for example, whether the Humanoid guide is worthy of being on this list and not the one below is debatable. I've included it just because I've seen more humanoid shitty SCPs than memetic shitty SCPs. But this is negotiable.
Could Probably Do Without: (details provided)
Cliches and You: An Educational Film - Commentary on "The Big List of Overdone SCP Cliches" If a list needs another list to explain what the first list meant, it's not a good list. Frankly, I don't think there was anything too difficult to understand about the original cliche list in the first place, so this seems unnecessary. We could consider taking the stuff we thought was most useful and integrating it into the original list, but otherwise, this can go offsite.
Classified And You – If you’re going to mention Security Clearances or classified data, read this first. Love ya, Mann, and this would help writers with issues in classified materials handling, but it's a Guide designed to see a problem I just don't encounter very much. As such, it's more of a treatise than a Guide, and could either live offsite or in some form other than as a Guide //per se. When people have issues using classified materials in an SCP, you or Echo or anyone else with the given expertise could just tell them, or link them to this in the sandbox.
Writing Joke (-J) SCPs – A brief guide to writing a Joke SCP. //Same as above. Boiled down, the guide says "Joke articles should be funny. Joke articles should not be not funny." I'm sure we can say that somewhere else without it having its own page.
Understanding Memetics – Writing SCPs where just knowing about them is dangerous. Same as above. Very specific problem that I don't see enough of to feel that it warrants its own page. Would be good offsite for reference and linking, but doesn't need its own page here.
Expert Witnesses – People willing to help you on various technical topics. I don't even care for this much, but if we really needed a relatively unmoderated, completely unofficial list of people what know certain stuff, the sandbox is as good a place as any for it.
The Foundation And Evil – A discussion on the moral implications of the Foundation. It might help you decide how you picture the Foundation in your own writing. //Again, a treatise. Basically just a description of Clef's headcanon.
Internal Departments — One member's vision of the administrative structure of the Foundation. Non-canon, but you may find it interesting/useful. //Again, a treatise, not a Guide. It's even marked as a Tale. I don't know if it counts as a Guide, but if it does, it shouldn't.
My Feelings On These Are Less Magnanimous
Col. Hornby's Audio Guide – How to make an audio SCP. I'm gonna be mean here. This always came off as a fairly new user trying to make a name for himself by solving a problem that didn't exist. We don't have many audio-based works, and if we do later, I don't know if we'll need this extensive a guide on them even then. A lot of it is just basic audio recording advice, which you can get off the Internet yourself (or probably should know before beginning this kind of work anyway). I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was trying to be helpful, but this just isn't necessary.
How Not To Get Your Erotic Fic Rejected – Special guidelines for erotic tales. We don't have or need an erotic fic section. Yes, I know we have several pages dedicated to the theoretical existence and further production of such Tales, but they don't exist in real life at present. We have two tales that can stand alone as they are. There doesn't seem to be any demand for more SCPslash, which is fine by me, and we don't need multiple pages just for the existence of such an area in theory. Should, God help us all, such a need arise in the future, these can be sandboxed away until then.
Adult Section Problematic SCPs – Some SCPs you should definitely not use. See above.
Story Applications – How to get your erotic fiction approved before posting. See above.
Internal Departments — One member's vision of the administrative structure of the Foundation. Non-canon, but you may find it interesting/useful. Again, a treatise, not a Guide. It's even marked as a Tale. I don't know if it counts as a Guide, but if it does, it shouldn't.
MC&D – More about Marshall, Carter, and Dark //Belongs on the main GoI page or gone. Preferably gone. Doesn't need its own page.
Serpent's Hand – More about The Serpent’s Hand //Same.
The Guide to Guides: //Useful now, but will (hopefully) be redundant after the cleanup.
This proposal reduces the number of currently extant guides from 43 (depending on what version of the proposal we take) either two with the SuperGuides, or well below 30 if we just sandbox the ones we need the least. The SuperGuide proposal seems extreme, I know, and would require a decent amount of work, but I feel it would make the guides, well, more guiding. Also, two guides to rule them all. C'mon, folks. That's gotta be a little appealing.
(This is addressed at the top of the discussion page to everyone posting herein, not aimed directly at Willfred Wallace.)
We have a Criticism Policy for a reason. The most important rule about SCP criticism is
CRITICIZE THE PIECE, NOT THE AUTHOR.
The SCP is poorly written on many levels, and if the author is reading this, they know it. The reasons for such have been delineated. But:
1. Claiming that it is "obviously a troll article" is shitposting. It is not obviously a troll article. If trolls were that obvious, we wouldn't have a troll problem. It is a poorly written article. Don't comment just to say "omg i bet it's trollz in teh dungeon". You're shittalking the author's motivations rather than the author's work.
2. One line comments that don't address the article's contents are shitposting. If you're upvoting, that's one thing. General support is helpful and makes the author feel good. General derision doesn't. There's a higher bar for writing negative criticism than positive.
3. Editorial comments about how much the article sucks (without discussing why), how little work the author put into the article (without discussing why you think so), or what moderation should do with the article without addressing the article's contents are shitposting. Leave editorializing to the editors.
4. Stating that you're downvoting in a separate comment without explaining why is shitposting. You can just downvote without putting your name up and saying "HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME DOWNVOTE."
5. Quoting lines from an article and making one-word comments without actual commentary is shitposting.
6. Proclaiming how much you want to harm yourself in response to having read the article without actual commentary is shitposting.
In short: If you have something to say, motherfucking SAY IT. Don't shorthand it, don't reference it with a patronizing verbal headshake, don't imply it. Put words down that can help the author improve it or shut the hell up. Vent about your frustration about the author somewhere else; it doesn't help the author, it doesn't help the site, and it doesn't help you.