sandrewswann said in a now-deleted thread:
I know people archive the occasional failed SCP as a bad example,but has anyone thought of archiving the comment thread that goes along with it? I know from my experiences work-shopping fiction that seeing other people's work get critiqued is as good, or even better, a learning experience as having your own stuff deconstructed. It's human nature that we more easily see the flaws in other people's work than our own, but seeing the bad example: followed by the explanations of why it's a bad example, not only helps to understand the nature of the problems, but helps cultivate the inner editor that everyone needs…
This is that archive. Feel free to add to this. (But if you add advice that I think is bad, without a counterpoint, it's going to be deleted.)
Examples follow.
Example #1
The SCP
Item #: SCP-1188
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1188 is to be kept in a sterile 3x3x3 meter stainless steel vault, locked with the combination [DATA EXPUNGED], and only to be released to use by personnel granted clearance for study of effects or for practical usage.
Description: SCP-1188 is a pharmaceutical bottle of pills, with a masking tape label that only says "PERFECT PILLS". Tests show the substance used was permanent marker ink. The pill bottle appears to produce an infinite amount of pills, with each pill(SCP-1188-1) looking like a 100mg dose of aspirin, but when consumed, allows the ingester of the pill to perform every task put before them to perfection(I.e., the final product of the task cannot be practically improved on.) for one hour, at which point the effect seems to die off abruptly, as we found out when [REDACTED], and the resulting damage took weeks to clean up. Consumption of a second pill does not enhance prowess, but causes small, fleshy growths(Referred to as SCP-1188-2) begin growing all over the subject's body. Said growths then begin emitting a liquid(From here on out referred to as SCP-1188-3) of extreme volatility, which eats away at the skin around SCP-1188-2 causing extreme pain to the subject, who will eventually expire due to exposure or to euthanization, unimpeded death can take upwards of 24 hours. Instances of SCP-1188-3 contacting non-organic material render the substance inert, making it totally safe to touch.
NOTABLE EXPERIMENTS
Date: ██/██/████
Test Subject: Dr. █████
Procedure: Subject, upon consumption of pill, was asked to complete a standardized I.Q. test.
Results: Subject completed test in record time, got a perfect score, and found flaws that were on the test. Subject stated that during the time of the test, she felt "like [she] could do anything, given the freedom to".
Notes: Subject afterward, when the test was retaken, scored on average with her usual scores, and finished with her usual time. Could these pills help enhance mental acuity?
Date: ██/██/████
Test subject: Class-D subject ████ █████████, an architect before reassignment
Procedure: Subject, upon consumption of SCP-1188-1, was supplied several sheets of blueprint paper, pencils, and other tools of the trade, and allowed to do whatever they wished with the said tools.
Results: Subject escaped lab, was caught and terminated thirty miles away.
Notes: 1) No more D-Class. 2) How the Hell did he do that with [DATA EXPUNGED]?
Date: ██/██/████
Test subject: Dr. Bright
Procedure: Subject, upon consumption of the pill, was instructed to catch a 500kg weight dropped from above.
Result: Subject was crushed underneath, SCP-963 was removed and applied to another subject.
Notes: So SCP-1188 doesn't affect physical strength… Dexterity?
Date: ██/██/████
Test subject: Dr. Bright
Procedure: Subject, upon consumption of the pill, was instructed to run a complex obstacle course, riddled with death traps and other painful implements.
Result: Subject did exceedingly well, but [DATA EXPUNGED]. SCP-963 was removed and applied to another subject.
Notes: "DAMMIT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ME?!?" -Dr. Bright, upon getting the new body.
Addendum: Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to tell coworkers with migraines to "take two pills and call me in the morning".
Nor is he allowed to sell SCP-1188 out on the street, we don't care how much you make off of it.
The Critique
Goodwill
First off, welcome to the wiki. Now on to the critique. I'm getting into specifics first, then my opinion on the general concept/execution later.
SCP-1188 is to be kept in a sterile 3x3x3 meter stainless steel vault, locked with the combination [DATA EXPUNGED]…
Censorship in the procedures is generally frowned upon. If you don't think general personnel assigned to this thing should know the code, just mention they need permission from a head researcher, site director, or other person of some higher rank because they know the code.
…as we found out when [REDACTED], and the resulting damage took weeks to clean up…
Not a very good redaction. Barely tells us anything, and it seems lazy. Just mention some kind of incident report next time. Also, the use of "we" is a rather glaring tone break, this being a clinical report and all. That section should be something more like "…as was discovered during Incident 1188-B.
Said growths then begin emitting a liquid(From here on out referred to as SCP-1188-3) of extreme volatility, which eats away at the skin around SCP-1188-2 causing extreme pain to the subject, who will eventually expire due to exposure or to euthanization, unimpeded death can take upwards of 24 hours. Instances of SCP-1188-3 contacting non-organic material render the substance inert, making it totally safe to touch.
I feel that the Foundation would definitely analyze this substance, and include the specific components of the substance in this report. I'm gonna assume you're not a chemist. If you're dealing with stuff like this, you may want to contact someone around here who is (I'm not one of them…). Also, "totally safe" is another glaring tone break.
Could these pills help enhance mental acuity?
Another tone break. A clinical report wouldn't flat out propose questions. It would state "It is speculated that the pills enhance mental acuity." And it's pretty clear that they do, so this is unnecessary anyways.
Results: Subject escaped lab, was caught and terminated thirty miles away.
Notes: 1) No more D-Class. 2) How the Hell did he do that with [DATA EXPUNGED]?
Another bad redaction. Good redactions leave enough info so you know what possibly happened with just the right amount of ambiguity so there's something to be left to the imagination. You don't even so much as hint how the D-class escaped in the results, where one would expect to see some description of that. Refer to this guide for help with expungements. Also, I don't think one incident would prompt the Foundation to stop using D-class. Just have them do safer tests with background checks. I mean, what else are they gonna do? Use Dr. Bright?
Test subject: Dr. Bright
Oh god.
Result: Subject did exceedingly well, but [DATA EXPUNGED]. SCP-963 was removed and applied to another subject.
Notes: "DAMMIT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ME?!?" -Dr. Bright, upon getting the new body.
Yup, another bad redaction. It's pretty obvious he got mangled, no need to expunge it. And caps lock with multiple punctuation marks may work to express anger and confusion in internet forums and comment sections, but in a clinical report it just looks plain silly. They probably wouldn't really care to put Bright's complaints in here anyway.
Addendum: Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to tell coworkers with migraines to "take two pills and call me in the morning".
Nor is he allowed to sell SCP-1188 out on the street, we don't care how much you make off of it.
Humorous addenda of personnel acting like idiots (referred to around here as lolfoundation) is universally frowned upon. It might be in old articles and joke pages, but we're trying to move away from that. Would you want people like this in charge of keeping the world safe from various paranormal threats? The Foundation would hire much more competent people for such a tremendously important task.
So the execution's not so good. As for the concept…not so good. It's just a basic object what helps you but turns out to have HORRIFYING CONSEQUENCES without any really original ideas or clever twists. Really not that interesting at all. Don't fret though. Nearly everyone's first article is bad. One big newbie mistake is going headfirst and posting an article as soon as you make an account. Take your time. Read as many articles as you can, get the feel for this site, and always ask for help in chat and in the forums when you need it. You can nail this thing if you have patience and take the time to improve your skills.
Eskobar
Yeah, your two main issues are concept-based and execution-based.
For the concept: When writing an SCP, especially a first thing, innovation is key. Using any fundamental elements from popular or famous SCPs will immediately invite negative comparisons to that SCP, along with implications that you haven't been reading the main list. True or otherwise. We have SCP-500, which is a pill what helps you; regardless of the crudeness of the comparison between the two, it will be made. Likewise, the whole idea of "makes you do things good" is filled with the 110% stickers, whichever one that is (you can look that up). Get a concept nobody's ever done here before, and center it on an object nobody's ever done here before, and you're 98% of the way there.
Execution is the other 2%. I can't explain exactly what's off-tone here, but this could use editing. Get yourself into the Realtime Chat (there are guides on the sidebar) or the Help: Advice and Somethingorother thread on the forums and request assistance in writing. It takes a lot of practice to get it down.
I don't think this one is going to make it, but if you take the above advice (and most other advice that will be in this thread), you should do much better on your next one. Good luck!
BeamuFireu
Here goes a tl;dr:
3x3x3 m steel vault
Inside is a bottle of pills
That's a REALLY big vault for such a small item. Try "standard steel safe" as that's really all that has to be done.
locked with the combination [DATA EXPUNGED]
1) Data expungment on containment protocols is bad form. 2) Safe Combinations are pretty much need-to-know to a select few, so try "known only to Dr. " or maybe not even include, as it's generally assumed that's the case.
SCP-1188 is a pharmaceutical bottle of pills, with a masking tape label that only says "PERFECT PILLS". Tests show the substance used was permanent marker ink.
Try "masking tape labeled "PERFECT PILLS" written with a permanent marker." More of a tone thing, I guess.
The pill bottle appears to produce an infinite amount of pills, with each pill (SCP-1188-1) looking like a 100mg dose of aspirin
Is it a particular brand of aspirin that can be recognized by looking at it, or is it really just a unremarkable looking pill?
but when consumed, allows the ingester of the pill to perform every task put before them to perfection(I.e., the final product of the task cannot be practically improved on.) for one hour, at which point the effect seems to die off abruptly, as we found out when [REDACTED]
Ooof. Unnecessary Redaction.
and the resulting damage took weeks to clean up.
Did he explode and stain everything for whatever reason?
Consumption of a second pill does not enhance prowess, but causes small, fleshy growths(Referred to as SCP-1188-2) begin growing all over the subject's body.
Okay, so REDACTED doesn't actually kill them, just… makes a huge mess? A little confused
Said growths then begin emitting a liquid(From here on out referred to as SCP-1188-3) of extreme volatility, which eats away at the skin around SCP-1188-2 causing extreme pain to the subject, who will eventually expire due to exposure or to euthanization
I feel as though the pills are trying to do two separate ideas unrelated to eachother. More of an opinion from me, but if they're essentially "Brain pills", make them do something anomalous with the subjects brain. It "makes sense" so to speak.
Notes: Subject afterward, when the test was retaken, scored on average with her usual scores, and finished with her usual time. Could these pills help enhance mental acuity?
1) Activity, not acuity, but that's easy to fix. Nevermind on that 2) The last bit is kind of unnecessary, seeing as the test implies they already know what it does.
Notes: 1) No more D-Class. 2) How the Hell did he do that with [DATA EXPUNGED]?
Woaaah, dangerous pills are not for staff at all, D-class have to be used still. Second bit is fine, I suppose, but the dude should have been under constant surveillance. Not sure what you could make with Blueprint paper and writing utensils to escape a very secure facility.
Procedure: Subject, upon consumption of the pill, was instructed to catch a 500kg weight dropped from above.
Result: Subject was crushed underneath, SCP-963 was removed and applied to another subject.
Notes: So SCP-1188 doesn't affect physical strength… Dexterity?
Why not have him try to lift said weight instead of dropping it on him? Also, D-Class, Bright isn't disposable. Well, his bodies are, but calling him in to throw a weight at him isn't good form.
Procedure: Subject, upon consumption of the pill, was instructed to run a complex obstacle course, riddled with death traps and other painful implements.
Result: Subject did exceedingly well, but [DATA EXPUNGED].
Seems like an excess us of Foundation funds/materials to construct such a thing.
Plus [DATA EXPUNGED] doesn't… help. I'm getting "He did really well but I dunno what happened then."
Notes: "DAMMIT, WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ME?!?" -Dr. Bright, upon getting the new body.
Yeaaaah.
Addendum: Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to tell coworkers with migraines to "take two pills and call me in the morning".
Nor is he allowed to sell SCP-1188 out on the street, we don't care how much you make off of it.
You do realize the list of "Stuff Bright isn't allowed to do" is a joke, and not to be applied to anything serious? If Bright did such a thing or really all of things on said list, they would have locked away his necklace long ago.