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1
You’ve been dating your girlfriend almost two years now. You often stay late over the summer and on weekends and arrive home long after the rest of your family go to sleep.
Every night you drive the deserted rural roads back home from a pleasant evening at her house you become overwhelmed by fears that you will arrive home to find your family dead in their beds. Each night you peek into your sister’s room and see she’s fine and hear the reassuring rumble of your father’s snore as you pass your parents door.
You chuckle at your silly worries and drift off to sleep. Finally one morning you decide to tell your mother about your late night fears amidst some jovial conversation for a nice laugh. As you tell her a concerned look comes over her face. She sweeps the hair away from her face as she says, “Oh honey, you know we were all shot almost two years ago.”
You scream as you see the gaping bullet hole in her forehead.
One day you head to female comrade house, after long day of fighting Capitalists, like always.
After good evening at house you make path to home. You know road well, but always makes you fear Capitalist pigs come and shoot family in sleep. Before bed you check on 8 sisters and are happy to see they fine. You listen for Father yelling at ceiling drunk and smile.
You laugh knowing Capitalists are cowards and never have courage to attack Motherland, as you lay on straw bed. One day you tell Mother about silly fears, and she look funny. You ask what problem is, and she reply that you live in Capitalist America all along.
KGB rush in and shoot her for lying, and send family off to Siberia to harvest lumber for Glorious Motherland.
Such is life in Moscow.
2
During the war a soldier faithfully wrote his mother every week so she would know he was all right, until one week she didn't get a letter and immediately began to worry. Within a couple of weeks she got a letter from the Army saying that her son had been captured and was being held in a Prisoner-of-War camp, and they assured her that they had no reason to believe the American prisoners were being mistreated in any way. A few weeks later the woman finally received another letter from her son, it read: "Dear Mom, Try not to worry about me, they are treating us well and I'll be released as soon as the war is over. Make sure that little Teddy gets the stamp for his collection. Love you, Joe" The woman was overjoyed to hear the news, but was confused because she had no idea who "little Teddy" was. She decided to steam the stamp from the envelope and have a look. When she did she saw that written on the back of the stamp were the words:
"They've cut off my legs".
During war against Capitalism for success of Glorious Motherland, comrade write home to mother every week to let her know all is good in fight on Capitalists. One week he write about how friend die in terrible way, and feel sad. Letter intercepted by KGB and he sent to Siberia. Mother hear about and beat soon upon return for grave crime. Comrade lynched by neighbors, Mother makes 10 more baby comrades to help win war against Capitalists for Glorious Motherland.
Such is life in Moscow.
3
One day at a shopping mall in the afternoon, a woman was coming out of the mall from a shopping spree. She was in a happy mood. She had gotten to her car and loaded her stuff that she had bought into her trunk. When she was done loading, she shut the door of her trunk and she saw an old lady standing by the passenger side of her car.
The old woman said “Would you be a darling and give me a lift home? I don’t have a car and I was walking all day.” The woman said “I’d be happy to.” So she unlocked the door for the old woman.
As she started to make her way around the car to the driver’s side, she started to feel uncomfortable. So when she got in the car, she looked in her purse and said “Darn, I can’t find my credit card. I’m going inside to see if anybody found it.” The old woman said “I’ll wait for you here.”
The woman left to go look for help. Then she found a security guard and told him the situation. They went back to the woman’s car and the passenger door was wide open. On the seat of the car was a shopping bag that the old woman had been carrying. Inside of the bag was the old woman’s dress and a gray haired wig, along with a huge butcher’s knife, a video camera, and a roll of duct tape.
One day in Glorious Mother Russia, woman stops by rationing station. She was happy like good little Communist woman and was carrying food to cart and loaded it up, then walk with donkey home, because cars are Capitalist whore-machines built to make Capitalists weak. Before getting far, aging woman approaches.
Old comrade asks for ride on cart, as hard Communist life make feet weak. Young comrade agrees, like a good young Communist. However, old comrade make young nervous, and then young comrade realize she leave all he babies at the market. "If I don't get them, they'll be eaten and that is 20 Communists wasted!" Older comrade understands and lets her go.
Young female comrade calls for strong military comrade and they investigate cart. Old comrade had left, leaving behind dress, wig, Capitalist money, and stolen babies. Woman investigated by KGB then half of the babies are confiscated and later eaten anyways. Capitalist is found and shot later, then paraded through streets.
Such is life in Moscow.
4
As Jake trudged through the cornfield, he recalled the argument he’d had that morning with his Pa. “But they’ve only been up a month– they don’t need changin’!”, he had yelled.
“Yes they do, Jake, every one! And I want that first scarecrow replaced by sundown!”
He shifted the heavy bag slung over his shoulder and cursed at himself for not thinking of something more clever to say. He clutched the stepladder in his other arm like a lance, and fantasized about different endings to the fight. “I do all the work,” he thought to himself, “and just once I’d like some say-so as to how and when things get done.”
Striding up to the stoic figure, he put the bag down and planted the ladder. “Damn things last almost two months with proper care,” he fumed as he stepped up. He pulled off the garish hood and was met with a chorus of buzzing horse flies. Jake had just enough time to see the the boy’s glazed eyes, and the dried blood in his nostrils, before the head slumped forward.
“Huh…” he mused, “Pa was right.”
Comrade Jake walk through Government-owned cornfield, remembering argument with his commissar.
"Scarecrows up for month - Not need to replace!", comrade yell.
"Motherland needs them replaced! First must be done by sundown!" Commissar demand.
Comrade Jake fearfully trudge through field, as Commissar have power to kill for Motherland. He not understand, but work to stay alive, not for Motherland. "I want saying in decisions!" he say to self.
He climb ladder up to Scarecrow and remove hood. Decaying Human face with flies all over. Jake find this out, and tell Commissar's superiors. Commissar shot for wasting perfectly edible food. Jake shot for disobeying Commissar.
Such is life in Moscow.
5
A young girl walking home from school found a small pile of Polaroid photos lying in the gutter. There were twenty in all, neatly wrapped in a rubber band. She picked them up, and as she walked she started to browse. The first photo was that of a ghostly white man on a black background, standing just far enough away from the camera that she couldn’t make out his features. The girl slid the photo to the back of the stack and looked at the next one. The photo was of the same man now standing a bit closer. The girl flipped through the next several photos quickly. With each one the man in the picture came a bit closer and his features were a bit clearer. Turning the last corner to her house, the girl noticed that the man in the photos seems to be looking at her even when she moved the stack from side to side. It frightened her, but she kept flipping them over, one by one. By the nineteenth picture, the man was so close his face completely filled the frame. His expression was the most horrifying the girl had ever seen. Walking up the driveway, she turned to the last photo. This time, instead of an image, there were two words: “Close enough.” Hearing a scream, the girl’s brother rushed to the door and opened it. All he saw was a pile of photographs lying on the doorstep. The top one looked like an extremely pale version of his sister, but she was standing too far back for him to be sure.
Young female comrade walking home from well find illegal camera photos in gutter. She take 3 hours to count them, 20 in all. She pick up photos and look at them. First have obviously capitalist man with blurred face far away from camera. Girl is scared and put it in the bottom of pile. Next photo scary man is closer. Comrade look through more photos and scary Capitalist gets closer each picture. Near house, she notice man stare at her even if picture is moved. Girl scared, but continue looking at photos. On number 19, Capitalist's face fill frame. As she turn to page twenty, Spetsnaz troops shoot her for possessing very illegal photos. Brother run outside and is shot as well.
Such is life in Moscow.
6
Today was the day he was dreading. He knew they were going to be extremely busy, and quite frankly he wanted to call out seeing as he was already late. His thoughts were briefly distracted by his black tabby, quietly pawing at his legs, ready for its breakfast. He made sure to fill up its bowl before he dashed out the door, returning twice to grab whatever he forgot the first few times. And he was off.
He breathed a sigh of relief as the last customer left. It had been the best sales day of the year, and they were obviously going to celebrate. He had been contemplating going on home, but he needed to unwind too. He had no serious obligations the next day, so he could stay out as late as he wanted. So when they asked, he happily agreed to go with them.
He couldn’t open his eyes. He was barely conscious as it was. He slapped lazily around until he managed to shut the alarm off, before he rolled onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow. The door creaked as his black tabby walked in and jumped onto his back, where it curled up close to his head. The hot breath in his ear lulled him back to sleep.
The doorbell continued to ring. He crawled out of bed and made his way to the front door. It was his next door neighbor, a kind woman in her late seventies, who still worked. She was in her business suit, holding a trash bag. “Oh did I wake you up? I thought you were usually up by now.” “I usually am.” He said groggily. “But they let me have today off.” “Well I hate to come bearing such bad news so early in the morning,” She said, patting his hand, “but I ran over your dear tabby last night when I got home. I came straight over to tell you but you weren’t home.” He stared at her for a few seconds, before their silence was broken by its footsteps.
Comrade scared for today. He know it is very busy day in Communist Russia, for Great Comrade Stalin come diner he work at. Black tabby cat brush against legs of nervous comrade, comforting him. Comrade fill dish with his own food and milk, then leave for make Stalin food.
As Stalin and escort leave, comrade sigh relief. He want to head come to shack, but need unwinding. He go with people to bar and drink vodka all night.
He hear cock crow in farmhouse next door, so he roll over in straw bed. Before falling sleep, cat come in and breath into comrade's ear. This relaxing, make him fall sleep.
Knock on corrugated metal door, comrade wake up and see no cat. He dress modestly and open door. Mob of starving children devour him and cat.
Such is life in Moscow.
7
On his way home that night, as he walked through town, a man stepped out of an alley in front of him. He tensed to defend himself, but the man just stood there. Looking him over, he realised the man looked like a hippie. Something of a comedy caricature of a hippie, really. Long unwashed hair and beard, sandals…and a sandwich board reading ‘THE END IS NIGH’. That, he thought, was unusual, even for a hippie.
“You want something?” he asked.
“The world’s ending,” said the hippie. “I need your help.”
He stepped around the hippie and kept walking. High as a kite, he thought to himself. The hippie started walking after him, and fell into step beside him.
“Please, I need your help,” said the hippie.
“Look, man, I’m really not interested,” he said, and kept walking.
The hippie leant against a wall, watching him walk away. The hippie wasn’t all that disappointed; lots of people gave this kind of response. Another skeptic, he thought to himself, fingering the ragged holes through the middles of his hands.
Big, strong Russian comrade walk down street late at night. Man jump out in front of him, causing fear. Person homeless, look like American "Hippie" from 1960 decade. Long hair, sandals, sign over body in American. He wonder why Capitalist hating hippie hanging in Russian.
"You want something?" comrade ask.
"The world is ending, I need your help," said hippie in perfect Russian.
Man amazed at this, as hippies want freedom and not understand Russian tongue usually. However, the comrade walk around hippie, thinking "He is shrooming."
"Please, I need your help!" yell hippie-man.
"Sorry comrade, I am not interested." greedy communist reply.
Communist walk away, and shot in head moments latter. Hippie-man really KGB officer in disguise, testing for goodwill among Russian people. Small children devour corpse in seconds and seem like nothing happen.
Such is life in Moscow.
8
One school day, a boy named Tom was sitting in class and doing math. It was six more minutes until after school. As he was doing his homework, something caught his eye.
His desk was next to the window, and he turned and stared outside. It looked liked a picture. When it was home time at the school, he ran to the spot where he saw it. He ran fast so that no one else could grab it.
He picked it up and smiled. It had a picture of the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She had a dress with tights on and red shoes, and her hand was formed into a peace sign.
She was so beautiful he wanted to meet her, so he ran all over the school and asked everyone if they knew her or have ever seen her before. But everyone he asked said “no.” He was devastated.
When he was home, he asked his older sister if she knew the girl, but unfortunately she also said “no.” It was very late, so Tom walked up the stairs, placed the picture on his bedside table and went to sleep.
In the middle of the night Tom was awakened by a tap on his window. It was like a nail tapping. He got scared. After the tapping he heard a giggle. He saw a shadow near his window, so he got out of his bed, walked toward his window, opened it up and followed the giggling. By the time he reached it,
it was gone.
The next day again he asked his neighbors if they knew her. Everybody said, “Sorry, no.” When his mother came home he even asked her if she knew her. She said “no.” He went to his room, placed the picture on his desk and fell asleep.
Once again he was awakened by a tapping. He took the picture and followed the giggling. He walked across the road, when suddenly he got hit by a car. He was dead with the picture in his hand.
The driver got out of the car and tried to help him, but it was too late. Suddenly he saw the picture and picked it up. He smiled. He saw a cute girl holding up three fingers…
One day at government-run school, little boy look out window and see picture on sidewalk near school. He remind self to grab little picture on way home.
After grabbing picture, he look at it. Beautiful farmer girl holding up fingers. Boy take few minutes and realize she have 2 fingers pointing. Boy feel happy from picture, and decide to find farmer girl to make babies for Glorious Motherland one day. He ask classmates, teachers, shady commissars. They all say "No, but girl beautiful."
Boy devastated like Capitalists after stock market crash of 1926. He ask 8 sisters, they say no. He sigh and put picture by desk and sleep.
Late in Russian night, he hear tap on window, sound like fingernail. Boy scared, because only fearsome beasts survive Russian night. He hear giggle and calm down, then approach window. He see nothing, but hear more giggling. He follow it until he no longer hear it, then go back to bed.
He ask neighbors next day about girl, and they not know. He ask hard-working Communist mother, but she too busy working to bother about girl. Boy cry himself to sleep that night.
Tapping happen again that night. Boy grab picture and climb out window again. He walk into road and is run over by horse drawn carriage. Driver burns picture for warmth, and corpse too.
Such is life in Moscow.
9
One afternoon, a couple was traveling on by car when at a far distance they saw a woman in the middle of the road, waving frantically.
The wife told her husband to keep on driving because it might be too dangerous, but the husband decided to pass by slowly so he wouldn’t stay with the doubt on his mind of what might have happened and the chances of anyone being hurt. As they got closer, they noticed a woman with cuts and bruises on her face as well as on her arms. They then decide to stop and see if they could be of any help.
The cut and bruised woman was begging for help telling them that she had been in a car accident and that her husband and son, a new born baby, were still inside the car which was in a deep ditch. She told them that the husband was already dead but that her baby seemed to still be alive.
The husband that was traveling decided to get down and try to rescue the baby and he asked the hurt woman to stay with his wife inside the their car. When he got down he noticed two people in the front seats of the car but he didn’t pay any importance to it and took out the baby quickly and got up to take the baby to it’s mother. When he got up, he didn’t see the mother anywhere so he asked his wife where she had gone. She told him that the woman followed him back to the crashed car.
When the husband went back to look for her, he noticed that clearly the couple in the front seats were dead, one of whom was unmistakeably the woman who had flagged them down.
One day, in Glorious Motherland, young couple see ugly crone waving at them with frantic look.
Wife advise husband to avoid the woman, thinking she had lost Communist Way and had fallen to Capitalist Madness, becoming mad in process. Husband, wary of fourteen babies in the cart behind them, quickly spurs donkey on quick, to pass woman. Couple see she have cuts and bruises, and decide to see if hag injured.
Woman cry about car crash that leave her and baby injured, with father dead instantly, but baby in danger. Man force donkey to run away quickly, cars are Capitalist instruments! This was obviously a spy who was trying to steals their babies! Wife realize this too and hold onto husband for protection. They get away with all the babies.
On way home, they hit road checkpoint and tell officer about spy. Officer shot them dead and send babies to military orphanage, so they become strong soldiers who fight against vile Capitalists and lies like their parents should have. Spy freezes to death hours later from winter cold.
Such is life in Moscow.
10
The hitchhiker Andy picked up on that July afternoon was one of the stranger people he had met. She had, after warm thanks for stopping, and a moment or two of silence, proclaimed herself to be able to grant a wish. The conjuration she had performed in support of this was quite remarkable- once the sound of the cymbal had stopped ringing in Andy’s head, he was quite impressed.
Now Andy, good Christian that he was, was always of the opinion that you should do a good deed for its own sake, and not for material reward. He lightly waved away the images of wealth or power that the girl suggested. “My one wish, young lady, is to get you to where you’re headed!”.
The girl’s face contorted with fear as darkness fell outside.
Strong manly comrade see beautiful woman by side of road when riding cart to market. Female ask for ride, so, like good exemplary man, he let her on cart, because cart is property of everyone! Woman tell man he get wish for kindness, but man not sure if girl truthful. She make Hammer-Sickle tattoo pop up on donkey's hide, so man believe her. Not being Christian, for religion is opiate of mass, man think over possible wishes. Man not pay attention to road, and soon, cart crash into military compound. Soldiers graciously bestow them with expensive bullets.
Such is life in Moscow.
11
It’s your first night in your new apartment. Your stuff is still in boxes. Your furniture (with the exception of the mattress on the floor) hasn’t arrived yet. The utilities won’t be turned on until the next day, so you’re making due without. A flashlight and some candles will do for light until you go to sleep. Despite the creepy feeling of being in a dark, empty apartment all alone; you chalk it up to nervousness and try to get some sleep.
A sound wakes you up. You lay there for a moment, waiting to decide if it was real or just your imagination being too loud. When the sound happens again, you check your cell for the time. Two in the morning. You get up, using your cellphone for light, and make your way towards the kitchen; the apparent source of the noises. At first, you think somebody has broken into your apartment, but you choke down your reaction as you stare at the figure. It is a middle-aged man, wearing what amounted to striped pajamas and standing in front of the microwave with his back to you. Although seemingly solid, you can also see through his body. You’re paralyzed; mostly out of fear, but partly out of curiosity.
“Hey,” you finally manage to say. The man looks in your direction, turning slowly. Your eyes open wide as you realize the man has no lower jaw, letting his tongue hang free. Your vision loses focus and the apparition disappears.
A sound wakes you up. It’s your phone vibrating against the floor. It’s morning, or at least light is coming in through the window. You’re back on your mattress and the missed call is from your mother. You’re confused about the night before and still shaking from the experience of what you saw. Was it a dream or did you really see a ghost?
Is first night in new worker's communal housing building. Vodka still packed in boxes and work tools not arrive yet. As lightbulb and flashlight is creation for weak capitalist man, you light candle like true comrade would. However, darkness make you fear capitalist man shooting you in sleep, but you say to self "Is silly, capitalist coward never come to glorious motherland!" and sleep, but you are woken up by sound of greedy capitalists. You rise and pick up rifle and walk to kitchen where sound was heard. You see middle aged man wearing distinctive capitalist pajama and standing in front of stove with back to you. You can see through body of cowardly capitalist, and prepare bayonet as you yell "American!". Man slowly turn in your direction and have no jaw. Capitalist become frightened of you and disappear like coward.
You are woken up by sound. It is Spetsnaz troop breaking down door. You are shot for taking boxes of vodka for greedy self.
Such is life in Moscow.
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