Also see Dexanote's upcoming writing piece "Fish and Chomp: The tale of Amanda the Mermaid and Fernand the Cannibal's lost love."
[00:48] pooryoric hey, salmander, I have two -J idea I'm never going to write. want 'em?
[00:48] pooryoric *ideas
[00:48] Salmander Eh, sure
[00:48] Nusquam Will read in a moment, Sal.
[00:49] Salmander Lay em on me yoric
[00:49] pooryoric one is a drug fueled fear and loathing style stream of consciousness document about containment procedures of the PCP Foundation
[00:49] Salmander Hehe, alright
[00:50] pooryoric and the other is a desperate containment writeup for the anomalous insectoid SCP object that's OH FUCK SHIT ON YOUR FUCKING FACE RIGHT NOW FUCK
The Tool Hive
Item #: SCP-HHH
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-HHH and any created copies are to be kept in a Class-5 biological containment area, inhabited by a diverse ecology of birds, insects, arachnids, annelids, small mammals, amphibians, and fish, located at Site ██. All instances are to be hung from a tree located anywhere in the containment area. A standard containment door requiring a pass-code changed weekly is all that is necessary. The pass-code may be given by any personnel of a security clearance level of one (1) or higher. Any personnel using SCP-HHH must log what they inserted as well as give a description of the product. Removal of the product for personal possession must be approved of by the current head of research. If there is a containment failure all personnel must be alerted of the failure and inform security if they see any instances of SCP-HHH, -1, or -2, but may otherwise stay on duty.
Pour la sécurité, il aura fallu investir dans une alarme et un coffre-fort.
Un coffre-fort certifié de la société infosafe http://infosafe.fr permet de faire garantir les valeurs stockées à l'intérieur du coffre fort ou de l'armoire forte.
Description: SCP-HHH is a fake wasp's nest, commonly used to deter wasps from entering an area inhabited by humans. Its external covering is typical paper, covered in the design of a wasp's nest and stretched over SCP-HHH. SCP-HHH has an opening at its top and bottom. Examination of SCP-HHH reveals that inside it is a complex amount of machinery. The machinery is mainly composed of iron and steel, with trace amounts of [REDACTED]. The operations of this machinery vary from the simple placement of wings to the microscopic infusion of [REDACTED], which cannot be reproduced.
Approximately every two (2) hours SCP-HHH will activate and release an organism, similar in size and appearance to the common honey bee (designated SCP-HHH-1), from a chamber near its bottom opening. Upon first inspection SCP-HHH appears to be composed of carved gemstones and gold. However, further analysis of the composition of SCP-HHH-1 has shown that it is made-up of imitation plastics. The energy source driving SCP-HHH-1 is unknown.
Once released SCP-HHH-1 will spread its “wings” and fly around in a manner identical to a honey bee. If SCP-HHH-1 encounters nothing for it to carry or inhabit, it will return to its chamber in one (1) hour. If SCP-HHH-1 encounters another fake wasp's nest with an opening at the top and bottom it will fly into the nest and go into a state of germination. Machinery from SCP-HHH-1 will begin to “sprout” and “grow” until it is identical to SCP-HHH. This process takes approximately three (3) days. If SCP-HHH-1 encounters an artificially produced, non-organic object, it will attempt to pick up the object and carry it to SCP-HHH's top opening. No exact guidelines have been determined as to choice of the object aside from that SCP-HHH-1 must be able to carry it and the object must be able to fit into SCP-HHH through the top opening. SCP-HHH-1 will then drop the object into SCP-HHH and return to its chamber. Any object can also be placed into SCP-HHH through artificial means.
Once SCP-HHH detects that a suitable object has been placed inside it, it will activate and begin to “convert” the object. Observation into SCP-HHH during the conversion process has shown that the object is dropped onto a sensor covering the middle of SCP-HHH, which will activate and “sweep” the object into a chamber. Faint sounds of machinery working are heard and last approximately eight (8) seconds to two (2) minutes. Once the sounds stop the converted object (Designated SCP-HHH-2) is ejected out of a chute at the bottom of the nest.
Usually SCP-HHH-2 will have the original object as its thorax, with wings, legs or other appendages attached to the main body. Examination of the appendages has shown they are composed of the same material as the interior of SCP-HHH. SCP-HHH-2's power source is unknown. SCP-HHH-2 will behave as a normal organism, collecting nutrients and defending its “hive”, SCP-HHH. The behaviour or purpose of the object is usually dependent on its previous function, before being converted. Many instances of SCP-HHH-2 have been shown to be domesticable, and show a suggested intelligence comparable to the common dog's. However, this intelligence is centered entirely around SCP-HHH-02's function and cannot be utilized otherwise.
SCP-HHH-2 can be “killed” in the traditional manner. Destruction of SCP-HHH-2's appendages usually causes it to revert back to its original state. Samples of SCP-HHH-2 who collect “food” for SCP-HHH usually retrieve plant matter, small insects, and arthropods. Larger instances of SCP-HHH-2 have been recorded as getting rodents, small fish, and recently hatched birds. Once the “food” has been retrieved SCP-HHH-2 will drop it into SCP-HHH through its top opening. It is theorized that SCP-HHH then digests the captured prey, but through what means is unknown.
SCP-HHH was originally discovered by Agent ██████, situated in Northern Alberta. While surveying a curiosity shop, he noticed a customer bringing in a living pen. Agent ██████ immediately apprehended the customer and questioned him as to the source of the pen. The agent found SCP-HHH hanging from an abandoned cabin accessible by a game trail. He successfully retrieved SCP-HHH and delivered it to Site ██ with no further complications.
Addendum HHH-A: Test Logs of the placement of objects inside SCP-HHH
Input: .05 mm lead mechanical pencil, loaded with three (3) pieces of lead
Conversion time: Twenty (20) seconds
Output: Same pencil (identified by discovering Dr. Corbette's fingerprints on the pencil) with four (4) insect-like legs and two (2) antennae
Notes: Pencil walked in a circular pattern around the ground above which SCP-HHH hung. When threatened SCP-HHH would shoot its lead at a speed of approximately 100 kilometers per hour, piercing the head of an approaching praying mantis. Upon the lead running out SCP-HHH quickly climbed up SCP-HHH's tree and into its top opening. After nine (9) seconds the pencil was ejected out of SCP-HHH's bottom opening with five (5) more pieces of lead. Nicknamed "Tex" by research staff.
Input: Bic brand retractable pen
Conversion time: Eight (8) seconds
Output: Same pen with two wings of similar shape to a butterfly's
Notes: Pen flew around SCP-HHH. When threatened the pen flew up to the threat and injected ink into an area penetrated by its tip. Pen was later captured. When released it flew around until it was introduced to a sheet of paper, upon which it settled. When asked the pen would write whatever the asker requested. When asked to draw something the pen drew a rudimentary image of a hive. Beyond the ability to write and draw the pen shows the approximate intelligence of a regular dog. The pen was later utilized to take notes on all other experiments with SCP-HHH. Nicknamed "Penny" by research staff. Was found to later respond to that name.
Input: Small porcelaine figurine of young girl
Conversion time: One (1) minute and thirty-eight (38) seconds
Output: The same figurine with two wings similar to a butterfly's placed on what would be the shoulder blades
Notes: Figurine used appendages in similar matter to humans, including picking up things with its hands and walking on its feet. The paint on the figurine also mimicked movement, such as movement of the eyes and swaying of the figurine's dress. The figurine flew around the containment area collecting decaying plant matter for SCP-HHH. When approached by a researcher the figurine bit his finger. Nicknamed "Thumbelina" by research staff.
Input: A clear sixty (60) watt light-bulb
Conversion time: Fifty-six (56) seconds
Output: Same light-bulb with two (2) wings similar to a firefly's interior wings and six (6) insect-like legs at the conducting end
Notes: The light-bulb settled in a dark corner of the containment area and proceeded to flash its filament repeatedly. An insect soon approached it, at which point the light-bulb flew into the air and grabbed the insect. It flew to SCP-HHH and dropped the insect into the top opening. The light-bulb was later captured and placed in a dark room, which it immediately lit up. By clapping twice, researchers were able to cause the light-bulb to stop and start illuminating. Nicknamed "Clapper" by research staff.
Input: Standard .22 handgun ammo
Conversion time: Thirty (30) seconds
Output: Same ammo with two (2) small wings and [DATA EXPUNGED]
Notes: [DATA EXPUNGED] Nicknamed "Zip" by research staff.
Well that was messy. No more ammunition, ok guys? - Dr. Corbette
Input: Apple brand iPod headphones, headphone clasp removed
Conversion time: Two (2) minutes
Output: Same headphones with several hundred small legs covering entire length except the connecting jack and the headphones
Notes: Headphones appeared to have the jack as the head and the two headphones as two tails. The headphones's position as left and right as tails also corresponded with the original left and right markings. The headphones searched for a large insect and wrapped one of its tails around a grasshopper, squeezing it until it died. The headphones then carried the grasshopper with one tail while walking to SCP-HHH with its frontal area and the other tail. The headphones were later found strangling a small mouse and carrying to SCP-HHH. The mouse was initially too fast for the headphones, however they later emitted a high-pitched noise which incapacitated the mouse. Nicknamed "Creepy" by research staff.
Input: Swiss Army Knife brand multi-tool
Conversion Time: One (1) minute and fifty-six (56) seconds
Output: Same multi-tool with one side stripped and replaced with double-layer wings similar to a beetle's, six (6) insect-like legs on the opposite side, and several new mechanisms including: a small spear, a spray bottle filled with a noxious substance, a retractable coil of string, and a small spark generator
Notes: When not making use of its mechanisms the Swiss Army Knife walked and flew around in a similar fashion to a beetle. Upon encountering a shrew the knife pivoted its spear mechanism to its front and charged towards the shrew, impaling it upon the knife's "head". It retracted the spear and proceeded to tie up the shrew with a coil of string. In a similar fashion to a helicopter, the knife hovered in the air while carrying the shrew below it. It then deposited the shrew into SCP-HHH. When researchers attempted to capture the knife it sprayed a noxious liquid into their faces, temporarily disabling them. The knife then returned to SCP-HHH, presumably refilling its spray bottle. In a second attempt of capture the noxious fume was sprayed, however the knife also used its sparking mechanism to ignite the liquid, causing small burns onto both personnel. No further attempts of capture have been tried. Nicknamed "The Swiss" by research staff.
Input: Standard hypodermic needle
Conversion Time: Forty-seven (47) seconds
Output: Same syringe with two (2) wings similar to a dragonfly's, eight (8) insect-like legs along the tube, and a transparent, yellow liquid in its tube
Notes: Syringe rested for a long period of time. After three (3) hours the Apple headphones were injured in the attempted strangulation of a large fish, showing a large fray in the connection of the left headphone. The syringe immediately flew over to the headphones and injected a quarter of its contained liquid into the rubber wiring surrounding the fray. The fray repaired and recovered itself in thirty (30) seconds. The syringe then returned to SCP-HHH to refill itself. After capturing and examining the fluid inside the syringe, it was revealed that the liquid was made-up of [DATA EXPUNGED]. Nicknamed "Doc" by research staff.
Input: Battery-powered analog wrist watch
Conversion Time: One (1) minute and seven (7) seconds
Output: Same wrist watch with wrist bands replaced by wings similar to a moth's and a small "mouth" located along the bottom side of the battery encasement
Notes: The wrist watch was seen to fly around containment area before encountering a small caterpillar. The wrist watch then descended upon the caterpillar and "swallowed" it. Once it absorbed all of the caterpillar, the wrist watch flew back to SCP-HHH and regurgitated the caterpillar into SCP-HHH. Nicknamed "Chewbacca" by research staff.
Item #: SCP-PPP
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: [EXPUNGED]
Description: SCP-PPP appears to be a Samsung brand Corby Pro mobile phone. SCP-PPP operates normally, and requires a battery. Damage to SCP-PPP is sustained.
SCP-PPP's anomalous effects come into effect when an "event" is added to the phone's planner. In spite of all attempts to stop said event from occurring, the planned event will always happen. SCP-PPP also seems to stop others from deleting the event from the phone's planner.
Addendum PPP-1: SCP-PPP's containment procedures have been expunged following incident PPP-1. Access to SCP's containment procedures may be given following O5 approval.
Addendum PPP-2: Incident PPP-1:
SCPs Involved: SCP-PPP
Personnel Involved: Dr. Filbert, Research Assistant Mcqueen, Mobile Task Force Mu Five, Overwatch HQ Security Staff, O5-█
Location: Site-██, Overwatch HQ
Dr. Filbert had recently been placed in charge of research of SCP-PPP, and was assisted by Research Assistant Mcqueen. In the time period leading up to Incident PPP-1, several personnel later reported to have seen Dr. Filbert acting increasingly anti-social. Research Assistant Mcqueen stated that Dr. Filbert had been developing an increasing obsession with SCP-PPP.
On ██/██/20██, Dr. Filbert requested that Research Assistant Mcqueen file a document regarding the design of SCP-PPP's planner. Upon Research Assistant Mcqueen's return, he had found Dr. Filbert gone from the experimentation room. Presuming Dr. Filbert to have gone to the lavatory, Research Assistant Mcqueen sat down and waited for Dr. Filbert's return. When it became apparent that Dr. Filbert would not return, Research Assistant Mcqueen decided to perform minor experimentation with SCP-PPP. However, he noticed a new event had been added for the next day, stating, "Dr. Filbert replaces O5-█."
Research Assistant Mcqueen immediately alerted O5-█. O5-█ responded quickly by sending Mobile Task Force Mu Five "Dr. Deposers" to immediately overtake Dr. Filbert at Site-██. Several members expressed distaste in capturing Dr. Filbert, stating that they enjoyed his presence. Retrospective investigation of the incident showed that no members of MTF Mu Five had ever expressed interest in conversing with Dr. Filbert before incident PPP-1.
MTF Mu Five immediately located Dr. Filbert in his office. However, during attempted capture several members of MTF Mu Five mutinied and killed the team leader. They declared Dr. Filbert their "new leader" and mobilized to Overwatch HQ.
Upon reaching Overwatch HQ, MTF Mu Five engaged Overwatch HQ's security forces. In spite of being grossly outnumbered, MTF Mu Five did not experience any casualties. After 30 minutes of conflict, an unidentified member of MTF Mu Five called for cease-fire. He immediately gave a speech which most listeners have described as "inspirational". Following the speech, Overwatch HQ's security forces joined MTF Mu Five and deposed O5-█, placing him into Overwatch HQ's temporary holding cells. Dr. Filbert replaced O5-█.
Following his placement as O5-█, Dr. Filbert ordered the immediate capture of SCP-PPP. Research Assistant Mcqueen, who had been containing SCP-PPP, was soon approached by Site-██ security staff. Stating that he would retrieve SCP-PPP, Research Assistant Mcqueen entered SCP-PPP' containment area. Under the pressure of giving Dr. Filbert SCP-PPP, Research Assistant Mcqueen entered SCP-PPP's planner and entered, "Dr. Filbert dies. O5-█ reinstated. Normalcy in Foundation behaviour returns" to take place the following hour.
The event appeared to have taken place. Dr. Filbert died from stroke due to a plaque build-up released during battle. O5-█ is reinstated. MTF Mu Five and security personnel are severely reprimanded. Investigation is still being performed into the lack of response from other Foundation personnel.
Item #: SCP-916-J
Object Class: Safe Euclid Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-916-J is to be contained in a standard humanoid cell and fed as per standard nutritional recommendation. SCP-916-J is to be contained in a humanoid Keter class containment cell and beaten daily (preferably by D-class personnel with histories of sexual assault) until he tells us the truth. Every seven (7) hours personnel are to give SCP-916-J stale bread and sour milk. Any personnel making eye contact with SCP-916-J are to spit on him.
If any incident is to occur, personnel are to interrogate SCP-916-J with maximum prejudice.
As of current regulations on "Misters", SCP-916-J is to be contained in Hall ██ of Site-██. As SCP-916-J is probably rallying the others into rebellion, SCP-916-J has been moved to solitary confinement at Area-██.
Description: SCP-916-J appears to be a male Causcasian a dirty fucking liar. Although SCP-916-J behaves normally seems to behave like he's done nothing, subjects conversing with SCP-916-J come under the illusion know that SCP-916-J is lying, even in cases where the subject is aware of the truth.
Although initial effects are minimal, over time subjects interacting with SCP-916-J become increasingly suspicious of his actions. Subjects will accuse SCP-916-J of causing unrelated incidents, and will continually harass SCP-916-J.
SCP-916-J was discovered at Entrance [EXPUNGED] of Site-██.
Addendum 916-J-1: The words "Mr. Lie, from Little Misters ® by Dr. Wondertainment" are tattooed upon SCP-916-J's right calf. Upon discovery SCP-916-J had been wearing a button-up shirt and blue khakis with the brand name "Doctor's Orders" sewn into the tags.
Addendum 916-J-2: SCP-916-J apparently misplaced his "Misters list". The dirty bastard probably shred up his list.
Addendum 916-J-3: This guy can't be that bad. C'mon guys, lay off him. - Dr. ███████
Addendum 916-J-4: Requesting immediate termination of SCP-916-J. Bastard got my cat stuck in a tree. - Dr. ███████
Addendum 916-J-5: Interview 916-J-1:
Interviewer: Dr. ██████████
Foreword: SCP-916-J had recently been discovered. Personnel already knew he was a secret spy or guerrilla activist.
Dr. ██████████: So how did you come to be here, nine sixteen - if that is your real name?
SCP-916-J: You gave that name to me, it isn't my real na-
Dr. ██████████: A-ha! I knew it! Who sent you here?
SCP-916-J: Well, I can't remember much, but I guess Dr. Wonder-
Dr. ██████████: It was the Chaos Insurgency, wasn't it?
SCP-916-J: Who? I've never heard o-
Dr. ██████████: Of course you've heard from them, it was in your IRG training!
Dr. ██████████: A-ha! You know who they are! Now why did they send you?
SCP-916-J: Now hold on ju-
Dr. ██████████: He's trying to exert some mental force on me! Guards!
Closing Statement: SCP-916-J was placed in a room with several hungry leopards. In spite of major injuries sustained, SCP-916-J refused to reveal any truthful information.
The Eaten Tower
Item #: SCP-TTT
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Mobile Task Force Nu Four "Architects" have currently been assigned to tracking and destroying all instances of SCP-TTT and SCP-TTT-1. One instance of SCP-TTT is kept at Site-17 for study. No more than 15 personnel are to occupy SCP-TTT at any time.
Description: SCP-TTT appears to be a large organism camouflaged as an artificial structure. SCP-TTT's exoskeleton has the same texture as concrete and plaster, however microscopic examination shows the exoskeleton to be more similar to turtle shell. SCP-TTT's interior appears to be painted pink. Various office components may be found on each floor. The "elevators" are labeled as out of order and do not work, however access may be gained through the "stairwell". SCP-TTT may also line its interior or exterior with bioluminescent cells, emulating electrical lighting.
SCP-TTT will hibernate in the upper crust for the majority of its lifespan. Once SCP-TTT requires nourishment, it will burrow upwards at speeds of up to 15 km/h. SCP-TTT will always burrow towards an empty lot, usually part of a large city. SCP-TTT will initially sprout what appears to be minor construction equipment. SCP-TTT will then grow in a pattern similar to the construction of a building of its type. Eventually SCP-TTT will become as high or slightly higher than surrounding buildings. It will always sprout an antenna once it has finished growing.
SCP-TTT will produce roots that burrow into buildings holding records on its surrounding area. These roots will destroy any records on the immediate area around SCP-TTT.
Approximately seven (7) weeks following SCP-TTT's surfacing, several humanoid figures will appear within SCP-TTT. These figures may mimic office workers, janitorial staff, or tourists. They will move in a set pattern, such as the "hands" moving as if to write. These figures are directly attached to SCP-TTT and are covered in a highly adhesive substance. Touching these figures causes occupants to become stuck to SCP-TTT.
SCP-TTT may eventually produce a banner on its most viewed side, usually advertising its "Grand Opening". Other messages may include promises of free food or that SCP-TTT is open for rent.
Once occupancy of SCP-TTT reaches 40-50 people, SCP-TTT will secrete a highly acidic compound into its interior, digesting all occupants. SCP-TTT will then release its antenna into the upper atmosphere, designated SCP-TTT-1, and return to the crust. SCP-TTT-1 will drop to the Earth at high speeds, causing it to puncture the crust. SCP-TTT-1 will then germinate and produce a new instance of SCP-TTT.
SCP-TTT has an average lifespan of fifty (50) years.
SCP-X: Too small to even be in collapsibles - also a troll article
SCP-X is a second-order simulacra of unknown origin. It is green and weighs 37 pounds.
SCP-X was originally recovered from an Indian burial site under the foundations of the [Redacted] casino. All instances of SCP-X-39 should be eaten immediately or otherwise consumed (rectal damage will not be covered under foundation medical insurance policies).
Special-Containment procedures: SCP-X is to be kept in a room temperature (60-80º) dry environment and out of direct sunlight. Exposure to sunlight may expedite inevitable fading. Don't throw it or anything like that.
SCP-███ Retrieval Log
Personnel Involved: MTF Zeta-13
SCP Objects Involved: SCP-███
Foreword: SCP-███ appeared at the entrance of Site-██, however due to its nature it immediately escaped containment. MTF Zeta-13 were able to locate SCP-███ in the Site Facilities.
<Commence Audio Log>
Agent █████████: Entering washroom 14-E now.
Agent ████████████: Ready with flashlight.
SCP-███: Good morning gentlemen.
Agent █████████: SCP-███-E is visible. Appears to be pattern of stripes in humanoid figure, er, attached to wall.
SCP-███: I believe there's a better name for me, Agent █████████?
Agent █████████: How does he know my name?
SCP-███: You learn a lot of things. The walls always listen, Agent.
Agent ████████████: Turning off lights.
SCP-███: Oh, don't do that.
(Sounds of movement. Heavy breathing may be heard. Two loud "cracks" are heard. Heavy breathing fades away.)
<End audio log>
Both Agents were found in Site Facility 14-E, dead from severe concussion and hemorrhaging.
<Commence Audio Log>
MTF Leader █████████████: We have located SCP-███-E.
Agent ██████: Approaching.
SCP-███: Hello gentlemen.
Agent ██████: Please follow us, ███. I will not hesitate to tear this wallpaper.
SCP-███: Oh don't do that, that wouldn't be a very nice thing to do at all.
MTF Leader █████████████: Tear it.
(Sounds of movement, followed by sounds of engagement. Heavy breathing may be heard throughout.)
SCP-███: Hello I am (cracking noise) Mr. Stripes. I am copyright (loud thud) Dr. Wondertainment, as part of (cracking noise) the Little Misters (sound of heavy impact). I am pleased to meet you.
<End audio log>
MTF Leader █████████████ and Agent ██████ were found dead in a similar manner as the previous two agents.
Pagan ""SCP-105 has been recaptured in the San Francisco airport on 10/05/2008. On orders from O5-██, SCP-105 was forced to perform her ability under threat of death by SCP-173."
21:45 pooryoric pagan
21:45 Pagan Wait…
21:46 pooryoric the SCP didn't make the threat you moron
The Embodiment of Holiness
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Imperative
Special Containment Procedures: It is said that SCP-XXX is to be guarded by three black knights, all armed with deadly weapons, and locked away within a dark castle resting upon Cair-Ranival, the isle of terror. Cair-ranival rests within the Ocean of Thasmus, within which dwells the giant serpent Thasmia, that can eat a ship in a single bite. To defeat the giant serpent Thasmia, one must lay the sword of Mistria upon the Holy Table at Cair-Lavinar.
Prophecies tell of a hero that will arise to retrieve SCP-XXX from its containment. He will travel by land, by sea, and by air to come to the mystical object. Then he will lay his hand upon it and free the world from the evil hand of the Shadow Lord. Evil will try to deter him, but his companions will assist him along the way. May we all pray he succeeds.
Description: Although there is no one alive that may say what it is, legends tell of a force of light that was locked away many ages ago - SCP-XXX. It was forged in the light of Yam himself, by the great King of Iturbia, and for many years it was used by the royal family as a source of peace and prosperity. But alas, others soon arose who wished to take SCP-XXX for themselves. A war was fought that ravaged the countryside and almost destroyed the great kingdom of Iturbia. On his last legs, the King of Iturbia locked SCP-XXX away so that none may obtain it.
Addendum: Incident XXX-1:
Years went by and the Kingdom of Iturbia returned to its prosperous state. And then, a sudden force came to the world. The Shadow Lord. With a dark army he swept away all that would oppose him and seized the throne of Iturbia for himself. The world is now in darkness, waiting for a hero to free it.
[19:42] Akane He could try moving the blade in the sheath
[19:42] Akane Or…removing it…
[19:43] Maddy Alice leans her head on Jason. She is so done with the weird shit that happens around her on a regular basis.
[19:43] Salmander "You could try moving the blade in the sheath."
[19:43] Salmander "Or… removing it…."
Memetic Agent PH
Timothy Hyne shifted in his seat nervously, wondering why he had been brought into research affairs. Research Assistant Corbette sat beside him, drumming his fingers on the armrests of his chair. Hyne glared at the Research Assistant, as he knew from overheard conversations that Corbette was on the lowest rung of the SCP food chain. Research Assistant Corbette was indeed quite pale looking, and appeared to be eating raisins.
“Enjoying your junk food, Corbette? The stuff I make not good enough for you?” growled Hyne.
“M-maybe…” Corbette continued to chew his raisins. He was intimidated by the burly chef.
Hyne gritted his teeth , then looked up as Dr. Bridge came into the room. The doctor looked somewhat handsome as he regarded the two employees, stroking his pencil moustache and greying goatee.
“What are you staring at, Corbette?” He raised a single eyebrow.
“N-nothing, sir,” Corbette replied. He pocketed his raisins.
“Well,” Bridge rolled his eyes. “You may be wondering why you’re here. Some of the other doctors think it might be a good idea if we get a fresh pair of eyes in to look at some SCP’s. See what they can find. You two are those eyes.”
“What do you mean, sir?” asked Corbette, fingering the raisins in his pocket.
“This is bullshit. I’m a chef, not some kind of mad scientist. It’s lunch in an hour, I need to get back to my kitchen!” said Hyne.
“To be frank, we’ve noticed a shear shitload of output from both of you,” continued Bridge, “Our top scientists are working on something that we think you would be the perfect specimens for. They call it… the power hour.”
“The what?” asked Hyne.
“The power hour. Are you deaf?”
“The power hour. Like a cartoon?”
“No, like a goddamn hour of power.” Bridge took out a small fob and turned on a projector facing the wall to display an image of a body builder’s silhouette super-imposed over a clock. “The power hour.”
Hyne’s eyes flicked around the room. “So, uh, what do we have to do?”
Corbette squinted at the image as Dr. Bridge clicked the fob again. It appeared to show some kind of fish being crushed by a large glowing skull. He clicked it again to show a flowing green liquid pouring onto the back of a goat. The next one was a fish in the middle of what appeared to be a nuclear explosion.
Corbette stared at the changing images and began to drool.
“What is this, Bridge? Can’t you just tell us?” pleaded Hyne.
“Feel the power flowing through you gentlemen! Feel it!” The images began to change every half second now, just flits of memetically-stocked photographs and drawings. Finally, after thee hundred and twenty two images, it stopped.
Corbette appeared to be completely brain-dead in his chair, Hyne noticed. “Doctor, you didn’t put a kill agent in there, did you?”
Suddenly, Corbette rose from his chair, flexing his biceps and looking at the two men. “I HAVE THE POWER!”
“I HAVE THE POWER!”
“Doctor Bridge,” began Hyne, turning around. In front of him was an image of what appeared to be an owl. Strength poured through his very being. “I HAVE THE POWER!”
“NOW IS HOUR, HYNE!”
Hyne and Corbette ran out of the door, screaming in triumph. A junior researcher made a move to stop them, but Dr. Bridge held out a hand to stop her. “Not now, lass. For now is the power hour.”
A Merchandising Item of High Quality
Item #: SCP-025-J™
Object Class: Non-toxic
Description: Hi, I'm former site director and current volleyball coach, O5-7. Now, you may know me for my other appearances in documents like [REDACTED], but today I'm here to tell you all about an amazing new product I found. SCP-025-J™!
SCP-025-J™ is the latest and greatest toy you need for the holiday season! It's fun, educational, and exciting! Kids love it, and parents love it too! There's nothing you can't do without SCP-025-J™ and a little imagination!
Looks, first it's a sword!9 Now it's a ball! And look, now it's a best friend! Wowee, there's so many things you can do with SCP-025-J™!
Don't believe us? Listen to these amazing testimonials!
Addendum 025-J-1: Audio Logs 025-J 1-3
O5-7: So when did you get 025-J-1™?
D-5723: The doctor gave it to me yesterday.
O5-7: And what exciting things did you use it for?
D-5723: I strangled that asshole 2736 with it.
O5-7: So how did it feel to be a part of the 025-J™ process?
O5-7: Yeah, I loved it too!
Dr. Johanson: Y'know, it really is an amazing product. My kids have been so much better. I have never seen them so happy before.
O5-7: 025-J™ really is an amazing product.
Dr. Johanson: 025-J™? I thought this was an advert for Rita[UNEXPECTED END OF LOG]
==O5 CLEARANCE REQUIRED==
The Incredibly Deadly Moose
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXX is to be contained within a level-3 ecological containment chamber, with foliage provided based on Nutrition Chart XXX-1.
Description: SCP-XXX is a male member of the species Alces alces, or the North-American moose. Although there does not appear to be any physical anomalies surrounding SCP-XXX, it has a memetic effect of causing subjects who view it to believe it is highly dangerous. Further research is required into this phenomenon.
Addendum: IT IS VERY DEADLY - Researcher James
Le Crossover Fic
I was pretty excited about the new briefing. Of course, the man leading the briefing would be Dr. O'Reilly. I've come to feel disdain for him ever since he made everyone on site read his thesis on 914. "Biological material goes in, [DATA EXPUNGED] comes out. You can't explain that!"
Still, there was a lot to be excited for. Then again Wilkowitz would also be there. Guy just wouldn't shut up about his demotion. "I used to be an agent, then I took a bullet to the knee." Honestly, just shut up already. Every time I see him now I just go FFFFFUUUUUUU. The only person here worse than Wilkowitz was S. B. Steve. What an asshole.
S.B. Steve really was a horrible guy. I remember this one time he got every agent on site into a room just so he could perform a Gay Test. And the pic he used was of Jennifer Anniston's face photoshopped onto a muscle man's body. And I could tell it was shopp'd, I can tell by the pixels and that I've seen quite a few in my time. Greg backed me up.
It doesn't stop there either. There was this one time I was trying to pick up this girl from research named Amber Lamps in the rec room and Steve was there. Let me tell you about it: Le talking to hot girl. Le asshole comes up. Le asshole blames it on me. Foreveralone.jpg
The briefing room was also getting really weird. Some guy heard we liked our projector a lot, so he mounted a projector on our projector so we could project while we projected. Needless to say, when the site director heard about this he just stood up and said "I'MA FIRIN THIS MAINTENANCE MAN."
At this point you're probably wondering why I was so excited about the briefing. Well, see, the briefing was for a new SCP. Now I'm no superstitious man, but ever since I got my spray-on tan I've been getting hunches about this kind thing. I'm not saying it's aliens buuutttt….
That One Movie
Item #: SCP-1201-J
Object Class: Action… I think?
Special Containment Procedures: I'm pretty sure I have a copy of it somewhere in my living room. On VHS. Wait, is it old enough for VHS? Man, I don't think I even have a VCR anymore. Oh god I feel old.
Description: SCP-1201-J is that one movie. The one with the guy. The big one? Well I guess he was more medium height. Everyone was talking about it a little while ago.
You know the one I'm talking about, right? With [REDACTED]? Or was it [REDACTED]… Like that movie with all the guys with guns. Yeah, that one, with the car that went swoosh swoosh and then there was an explosion. And it had that woman in it.
You know, that woman. The one who did the voice for that girl in the movie with the other guy who kept saving her? No, not her, the other one. [REDACTED]? Did she even ever do voice acting? Oh yeah, she was the princess in the cute little animated thing. With all the animals?
Oh wait, I think I'm getting it. Hold on… Damnit you messed me up! It wasn't REDACTED]! Since when has [REDACTED] been in anything anyways? Have you seen her at the Oscars? She looked like one of those skeletons from that old game. You know that old game, right?
Addendum: Wait, here are some pics of actors, lemme see if I can find the guy:
Rex Sponge's Revealing Revelations: Tomorrow Sometimes Dies: Featuring Dr. James and the Ghost Sign in: Signception with Special Cameo from the Butt Ghost - Chapter 1: The Awakening of Things that are Asleep, in a Metaphorical Sense
"Brothers," said Mike.
"Mike," said the brothers.
"How are you today?"
"We are fine. Yourself?"
"And the wife?"
"Oh she's fine."
"Ah, gentlemen, there you are," said another voice.
"I'm glad you could join this call."
"Glad we could make it."
"Let us get down to business, shall we?"
"As you may know, the Foundation is expanding rapidly."
"We are aware."
"With their quick growth, we dealers of various anomalous items are facing an… unpleasant situation."
"I propose our organizations temporarily unite in an effort to stop the Foundation."
"It may be our only option. One question."
"Who are you?"
"Me? I'm Rex Sponge."
"Jaaaames. Wake uuuuuup!"
"Oh goddamnit," Dr. James opened his eyes to see the ghost sign looming over him, "What do you want?"
"Iiii've had a premonitiiiiooon!" said the Ghost Sign, staying stock still. Because he was a sign.
"A what?" Dr. James adjusted himself and sat up, leaning against the bed frame. He scratched his chest and looked at his ghostly roommate.
"A premonitiiiioooon!" The Ghost Sign hopped up and down to emphasize that he did, in fact, have a premonition.
James sighed. "Tell me."
"Rex Spoooonge is back! Oooooh!" A breeze hit James's from the opened window on the opposite side of the room. He didn't remember closing it. He looked closer and saw bits of dried vomit on the windowsill. He sighed again.
"Ghost sign, have you been drinking again?"
"Well yeeeeees, but that's not the pooooiiiint!" the Ghost Sign continued, "Rex Sponge is baaaack! I had a dreeeeaaam! He was talking to some other meeeen!"
"Look, we went over this," James interjected. He began getting out of bed. "When you're drinking your premonitions get all faulty," He walked over to the washroom and began taking a leak, "How do you even drink? You don't have a mouth."
"Veeeeryyyy carefullyyyyy," the Ghost Sign replied.
"Ha ha." James finished whizzing and stepped back out of the washroom. he paused to look at himself in the mirror. Unshaven, tired looking. He looked much older than he should look. Who would have guessed a man reaching 30 would be stuck in internal investigations with a possessed yield sign for a partner. "Now let's focus on some real cases, shall we? Site Director wants us at his office by 9. And take some advil for that hangover. Somehow."
Breanne shuffled through the filing cabinet again. She loved the smell of old files. Breanne took a deep breath in and continued searching for the various payment slips and invoices that filled her life. She watched as a dust mote glided through the air and landed perfectly on her right index finger, then blew it off. Ah, the joys of lazy bureaucracy.
Breanne looked out the window for a moment, then headed off for the washroom. She opened a stall door and sat down. That's when she heard a voice.
"I am the butt ghost. I will eat your butt."
Item #: SCP-1724
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: Mobile Task Force Zeta 3, "Dancers", are currently in place to detect and arrest propagation of SCP-1724. Due to SCP-1724's nature, no other procedures have been deemed necessary at this time.
Description: SCP-1724 is a rare disorder appearing in approximately 0.01% of individuals. Subjects suffering from SCP-1724 will begin to perform some form of rythmic dance, most commonly a jig or thrash dancing. This dancing is memetic in nature and will cause others unaffected by the disorder to begin repeating the dance. This participation is not absolute, and only approximately 25% of all individuals viewing the dance will be affected. Research has found individuals more susceptible to suggestion tend to participate more frequently, leading to the conclusion that SCP-1724's propagation is a form of mass hysteria. Untreated, individuals who participate in the dance have a 20% chance of dying from exhaustion.
SCP-1724 is easily curable in affected individuals by simply removing them from the affected crowd. While historically SCP-1724 has been widespread, efforts by the SCP Foundation have made containment of arising instances commonplace, with propagation being reduced to ten or less individuals per arising instance.
In spite of the high amount of research being performed into SCP-1724's causes, no genetic or environmental links have been found. Current research concludes that SCP-1724 can arise in any matured individual at any time.
O5-1's New Groove
[14:51] Salmander I feel like
[14:51] Salmander writing something
[14:51] Tanhony write about how o5-1 got his groove back
[14:51] Salmander k
[14:52] Mr_Wilt Write something involving an orgy
[14:52] Mr_Wilt And a coffee maker
[14:52] Mr_Wilt And a nail file.
[14:53] Mr_Wilt Salmander: These are my three requirements. CHALLENGE INITIATED.
George Washington Butt Fucked while Picking his Nose
Item #: SCP-1981-J
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1981-J is to be kept inside a secure storage unit at the media archive of Site ██. It is to be checked regularly for imperfections.
Description: SCP-1981-J is an oil painting. "GEORGE WASHINGTON BUTT FUCKED WHILE PICKING HIS NOSE)"(sic) has been handwritten on the backing of each in felt tip pen. Laboratory analysis indicates that SCP-1982 is made of ordinary material, and dating methods have proven it to be from an authentic time period. SCP-1981-J was initially encountered by a filing clerk in the George Washington Presidential Library in 1881, who upon viewing it alerted the police, with the intent to find the painter to press "obscenity charges". A low level police investigation was conducted, at which point the Foundation was alerted and secured SCP-1981-J. Class A amnesiacs were administered before █████ could be notified. Further investigation of the library's records by Foundation personnel failed to yield any leads on SCP-1981-J's origin.
SCP-1981-J appears to be an oil portrait of former United States President George Washington picking his nose. Behind him is an unidentified figure engaging in anal intercourse with Washington.
Each viewing of SCP-1981-J causes it to display a different scene. Each viewing becomes more and more "randy", however the president will always be picking his nose.
Addendum: Researcher James has pointed out a possible relation to the following items:
- SCP-████ - "Thomas Jefferson being hit with a spoon while kicking"
- SCP-████ - "Howard Taft having a dick drawn on his face while taking a bath"
- SCP-████ - "Abraham Lincoln being kicked in the nuts while changing into corduroy pants"
- SCP-████ - "Dwight D. Eisenhower being slowly eaten away by a snapping turtle while urinating"
- SCP-████ - "George W. Bush getting a pap smear while reading"
- SCP-████ - "Franklin Delano Roosevelt being mocked by stand-up comedians while listening to the radio"
- SCP-████ - "Calvin Coolidge having a booger wiped on him by a 4 year-old kid named Ricky while doing the hokey-pokey"
- SCP-████ - "Ulysses S. Grant having sex while drinking"
Super Flying T-rex
Item #: SCP-8231-J
Object Class: Keter SUPER
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-8231-J is kEpt in my housE with all my othEr toys!
Description: SCP-8231-J is thE coolEst t-rEx. it has wings for arms and likEs to fight with things. it can also talk and think bEcausE its very smart. somEtimEs it givEs me piggy back ridEs.
By Dr. James, Age 10
Addendum: Audio logs 8231-J-1 to -3
Dr. James: Good morning Mr. T-rex!
SCP-8231-J: What? Where am I? Who the fuck are… Oh my god, what happened to my arms? What the fuck are these? Are these wings!?
Dr. James: Yeah! You're a flying T-rex now!
SCP-8231-J: I'm… what? But I don't know how to fly!
Dr. James: And you're going to fight with other monsters!
SCP-8231-J: What the fuck are you talking about?
Dr. James: Here, fight this monster truck! (Door opens to containment chamber and monster truck rolls in, driven by Dr. Breen.)
SCP-8231-J: How am I supposed to fight a monster truck!?
Dr. James: 3… 2… 1… Go!
SCP-8231-J: Owch! That fucking hurt! How am I supposed to do this!?
Dr. James: Dodge it Mr. T-rex!
SCP-8231-J: MAYBE I WOULD IF THESE FUCKING WINGS WEREN'T HERE! (SCP-8231-J is hit by the truck and knocked unconscious)
Dr. James: Today you're going to fly Mr. T-rex!
SCP-8231-J: Okay, first of all, I don't know how to fly! Second of all, you're a fucking 10 year old kid in a lab coat, what the fuck is even going on!
Dr. James: You shouldn't swear Mr. T-rex!
SCP-8231-J: I don't give a shit! (Dr. James activates SCP-8231-J's shock collar)
Dr. James: Ok, Mr. T-rex time to fly!
SCP-8231-J: But… but… (Loud cry, possibly of frustration)
Dr. James: Just flap your wings simultaneously!
SCP-8231-J: Alright, fine. (Loud snapping noise) HOLY SHIT! OH FUCK! OH FUCK! AH, OH MY GOD, HOLY SHIT! I THINK I SNAPPED BOTH BONES! OH MY GOD FUCK!
Dr. James: I'll get you a band-aid.
Dr. James: Can I draw on your casts?
SCP-8231-J: No, get the fuck away from me you little shit!
Dr. James: I just want to draw on them!
SCP-8231-J: Okay, you gave me fucking wings for arms, and they don't even work! I can't even fuck anymore cause these huge fucking things stop me from getting on top of anything! How the fuck did I even get here? Why can I talk? WHY DO I EVEN EXIST?
Dr. James: So… no piggyback?