- letter extractor
- rough beast
- the most dangerous game
- friend to small mammals
- tower of the immortals
- hand of midas 2000
Item #: SCP-001
Object Class: Embla
Special Containment Procedures: Site-Ω is built to house SCP-001-X. Site-Ω is itself concealed within the sublayers of Site-17, and no personnel without Level 5 access is to be made aware of its existence.
Incursion into SCP-001 requires full qualification in temporal navigation and handling of pseudo-paradoxical events. Research of SCP-001's interfaced universes requires all standard static-universe precautions.
Any evidence that one of the universes has lost stasis relative to SCP-001 is to be immediately communicated to O5 Command.
Description: SCP-001 is an extrauniversal space that interfaces with our universe through a door (SCP-001-X) located at (tbc)
SCP-001 itself is a labyrinth of rooms and corridors that extends from SCP-001-X for at least 10 km in all directions.
Causality is affected within SCP-001; Janus events and other temporal dysfunctions are common.
Other doors exist in SCP-001's walls. Each of these doors is branded with a number and date, and interfaces with another timeline; in most cases, one where planet Earth has undergone a XK-level or more extreme extinction event, and the Foundation or an analogue organization has pruned the timeline via a Reality Restructuring event. Due to the timeline pruning, these alternate universes are in stasis, at the date marked on the door.
- Door #2, dated 02/09/2005: Earth has been covered or replaced by tumorous flesh. Gates open into the depths of the planet reveal endless floors of mundane 21st-century offices, crafted from the same fleshy material. Records reveal this to be the work of what we know as SCP-002, which was the only known anomalous object. The timeline pruning was performed through a reality bending artifact crafted by a group named the Containment Society, composed of stone and SCP-002-doped circuits.
- Door #3, dated 11/01/2205: The planet is tightly encircled by grasping tentacles, several kilometers in diameter, similar in form to those of echinoderms. This timeline arose from the restructuring of that in Door #2: the artifact used to prune that timeline was the source of the extinction event on this timeline. An organization of scientists named Protectors evacuated this timeline's Earth, through the creation of a inter-universal doorway.
- Door #446, dated 11 of March of the year of the consul Flavius Iustinus Augustus XI, 2530 ad urbe condita: Humans of this timeline appear normal in static space, but records describe a 'mannequin disease' that reduced 99% of humanity to vacant, unmoving figures. Those free from the disease were identified and evacuated by the Caesar's Scientific Precinct with the aid of a substance that interacted in some undescribed manner with the disease's carriers.
- Door #681, dated 17 of Elul, 5784: The sun has transformed into a living and aggressive creature, and is about to engulf the planet. Records of the Science Covenant indicate the sun was colonized by a form of sentient helium, and that they intended to cross the restructuring event with 'a biological ark [missing] endure past all our failings'
- Door #871, dated with an undecipherable sequence of notches: Earth is about to collapse into a star, weighted by trillions of cakes and similar pastries. Cave paintings indicate the human population of this timeline to be reduced to a single member, who performed the restructuring event with the help of a device used to control animals in a shamanistic ritual.
dated 05 Mar 2017 09:48:
|SCP-001-X, opens to our timeline.|
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: xxxx
Description: SCP-XXX is a sword of Saxon design, either 9th or 10th century. It appears slightly rusted but otherwise intact. Etched into one side of the blade is an Old Saxon inscription which reads (translated):
THAT WHICH PULLS THIS SWORD FROM THE SKY SHALL BE THE RIGHTFUL KILLER OF THE LAST KING OF ENGLAND
SCP-XXX is in a retrograde orbit around the planet Earth, at an inclination of 51.7 degrees from the earth's equator, with a minimum mean altitude of 420 km and maximum of 600 km. SCP-XXX's orbit has not shown significant decay since it was first detected.
Tracking of SCP-XXX's position is difficult due to its small size and orbital speed, in addition to a propensity to impact other debris that can't be explained by probability alone. The SCP was discovered in 1996 after civilian communication satellite ██████ █████ was destroyed by a glancing impact with the object, and it has hit another satellite and two pieces of space debris since.
Recovery and containment of the SCP is pending due to budgetary reasons.
The creature that once was named god knows what and now was addressed (if not answered to) SCP-682 rampaged through suburban Phoenix. Every living being in sight was fleeing for their lives, except the one seated atop it, and the two watching it from afar.
Mr. Clumsy scoped the bizarre knight, two miles and a pair of binoculars (more accurately, a pair of rolled-up tubes of paper) between them. "Timmy to Mr. Wizard, I have a bead on the target. Billy is waiting for permission to fire. Also, I'm not sure why I'm the spotter and not he. Over."
The radio blared in return. "Because you're also on decoy duty, Timmy. Billy, you have permission to fire. Over." Mr. Clumsy was about to question that one, but the binocular fell off his hands, slid down the hill he was on, rolled onto a nearby parking lot and bounced off every car on it.
As the lizard turned its head to stare at the source of the sudden symphony of car alarms, Mr. Moon brought his eyeless face to the sniper rifle's scope and pulled the trigger. For 1.2 seconds, nothing happened; then, a bullet-shaped meteorite roughly the size of a camping van completed its journey from lunar perigee to SCP-682's center of mass.
"Billy to Mr. Wizard. I believe I've struck the target, it's hard to say from the sudden dust storm. Over."
"Stand by until visual confirmation, Billy and Timmy." The moon hung on the late afternoon sky, as the cloud of dust was carried by the wind towards and through Mr. Moon and Mr. Clumsy.
Perhaps someone with normal sight that wasn't concerned with a scorpion crawling into their pants might have noticed what happened next in time, but probably not. As the dust passed them, Mr. Clumsy looked up from his arachnid extrication process to see three things; 1) the moon turned red, 2) Mr. Moon with a sword jutting from his featureless face, and 3) a madman 3a) driving a motorcycle 3b) wearing 682's skull remains as a headdress and 3c) sporting a dusty, bloodstained labcoat with the badge DR. KONDRAKI.
"T-Timmy to Mr. Wizard. The fucker dodged. … Over."
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: xxxx
Description: SCP-XXX is an alternate version of the planet Mars. It is located in the exact position of the planet commonly known as Mars, but somehow dimensionally dislocated; one may only reach it through certain orbital maneuvers during specific Earth-Mars alignments. Some of these routes require an exceptionally low Δv to transfer through, allowing travel to SCP-XXX by vehicles otherwise unsuited for space travel.
SCP-XXX's size, composition and major landmarks appear similar to Mars. xxx The northern hemisphere is nearly completely covered by water, and fertile land and vegetation covers much of the equatorial band. The southern highlands are more similar to baseline Mars, and desertification threatens to overtake parts of the equatorial band.
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: xxxx
Description: SCP-XXX is a plastic pistol of design much like a common toy water pistol, except for the LEDs across its side and a LCD display on the back.
Annexed advertising describes SCP-XXX as "Doctor Wondertainment's Letter Extractor".
Subject: Single Mus musculus (common mouse)
Result: A marble statue of Urania, Roman muse of astronomy. SCP displays the letter "O".
Subject: Single Felis catus (domestic cat)
Operation: Insertion of "O"
Result: A woman's wool coat, houndstooth patterned.
Subject: D-12442, birthname Walter Culvert
Result: A concrete drain pipe, about 60cm long and 20cm in diameter. SCP displays the letter "L".
Subject: Pipe from previous experiment
Operation: Insertion of "L"
Result: D-12442 in a state of panic. D-Class's report on the experience is of limited coherence and reliability.
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXX is stored in a locked triply-locked vault of Site-58. The passcodes to the three locks are assigned to separate sections of Security; any Foundation member wishing to study SCP-XXX, regardless of standing or seniority, must have their identity and biographical details certified by the three sections.
Description: SCP-XXX is a gold-plated pocketwatch of early 18th century design. Upon its acquiring, it was nonfunctional due to a damaged mainspring, which has since been fixed. This repair, as well as other alterations to the SCP's workings, do not appear to alter its effect.
Roughly every 34 days, SCP-XXX manifests an instance of SCP-XXX-A somewhere in the world. SCP-XXX-A manifests as an entity biologically and mentally identical to a human being of either gender between 15 and 60 years old, complete with manufactured identity and memories of experiences and relations to other human beings around it. These constructed experiences are largely self-contradictory and nonsensical, and can be used to identify SCP-XXX-A instances through extended interrogation.
The manifestation alters memories of associated beings and written records to some degree; for example, if SCP-XXX-A manifests with memories of Mr. John Doe as his parent, Mr. Doe will remember SCP-XXX-A by its name and develop memories of its childhood. Subjects of this memory alteration don't appear to perceive the added memories as jarring or suspicious.
SCP-XXX-A instances all recall having some relationship to SCP-XXX, and the need to perform some action with it. Since SCP-XXX's containment, the task of all SCP-XXX-A instances has been to recover SCP-XXX.
SCP-XXX-A-221: Caucasian male, 30-40 years old
Interview with SCP-XXX-A-221
Researcher: Thanks for waiting, sir.
A-221: No problem. Uh, I told the lady up front, I'm looking for a —
Researcher: Yes, the watch. I just need to fill a short form. What's your name, again?
A-221: Jasonks [sic] Rhnahnm. That's R-H-N-A-H-N-M.
Researcher: Naturally. And what's your profession?
A-221: Yeah, I'm a senior cupcake investor.
Researcher: And where do you work?
A-221: First Peanut Brittle, right up Train Street. You should have heard of it.
Researcher: It must have passed me by. Where did you acquire the object?
A-221: Oh, it's a heirloom from my grandfather. He gave it to his wife before he went to fight in the war, you know. My father was just a baby.
Researcher: Oh, World War Two? Korean War?
A-221: Third Martian War.
Researcher: Martian war.
A-221: Yes, against the Roachmen. You seriously haven't heard of it?
Researcher: Agent Friday will take you to the object.
SCP-XXX-A-222, Hispanic female, late 20s
Interview with SCP-XXX-A-222
Researcher: Your name?
A-222: Doria S. Arialialialialia. [sic]
Researcher: How is that spelled?
Researcher: … OK. Your profession?
A-222: Atom whisperer.
Researcher: What… does exactly an atom whisperer do?
A-222: Oh, it's really more about listening than whispering. We understand how to read the body language of atoms and we work, like, kind of atom psychologists.
Researcher: So you work through an atom's feelings.
Researcher: Atoms don't have feelings.
A-222: Oh, once you work with them and observe them for a while, you see they have quite in common with people.
Researcher: The watch, where did you get it?
A-222: Um, it's kind of personal.
Researcher: We're protecting ourselves legally here.
A-222: OK. It was an engagement gift from my boyfriend.
Researcher: Oh, you are married?
A-222: No, I'll be married in Septismal.
Researcher: What's Septismal?
A-222: … a month of the year?
Researcher: What's your fiancee's name?
A-222: Harrison Steiner. Yeah, I don't know if I can take his last name.
Interview with Harrison Steiner
Agent: Are you engaged to a Ms. Doria S…. Arialialialia?
Mr. Steiner: Arialialialialia. Yes.
Agent: When did you last see her?
Mr. Steiner: Three days ago? [At least six hours before A-222's presumed manifestation]
Agent: And where was that?
Mr. Steiner: Down by the meat fountain at Avenue Street.
Agent: Avenue Street? You -sure-
Mr. Steiner: Yeah… I remember looking at a sign and thinking, Avenue Street. Didn't seem that odd then I guess.
Agent: And when is the wedding's date?
Mr. Steiner: Eighteen of Septismal.
Agent: Septismal? When's that?
Mr. Steiner: After… October? … or was that after September?
Agent: Right. You're going to feel a little prick but that's just the amnesiac.
Mr. Steiner: Sorry?
SCP-XXX-A-223, African-Caucasian mixed, early 20s
Interview with SCP-XXX-A-223
A-223: Five eight eight three nine zero three four five two.
Researcher: Right. Is that a capital zero?
A-223: What do you mean?
Researcher: Nevermind. Profession?
A-223: Uh, Artificial buglumper. That's what you called for, right?
Researcher: What does an artificial buglumper do?
A-223: Oh, pretty much the same a regular buglumper does.
Researcher: And you said you were here because…?
A-223: Yeah, someone called and said they needed a watch buglumped.
Researcher: Who called?
A-223: [searches clothes for slip of paper] Security Officer… Phyllis.
Researcher: Very well, give me a moment to contact him.
A-223: Oh, you don't need to worry, he gave me the passcode through the phone.
Researcher: My god.
Interview with Security Officer Phyllis
Researcher: Do you remember talking to a Mr. Five Eight Eight Three…
Researcher: A, quote, "artificial buglumper".
Phyllis: Oh! Right, I called the buglumping agency. They sent an artificial one?
Security Chief Orson: [slams hand on table] Phyllis, did you call a third-party agency to perform a bug-cleaning on a high-security SCP?
Phyllis: [flinches] No, buglumping. I had permission.
Orson: I do not recall giving you a permission to be a complete idiot.
Phyllis: No, I got it from Chief Plalelo.
Orson: There is no Chief Plalelo.
Phyllis: Sure there is. Was here yesterday. Purple hair, double mustache.
Researcher: Orson, go fume in the next room for a minute. Mr. Phyllis, can you describe, with your own words, what does a 'buglumping' entail?
Phyllis: Well, it's like, when the bugs start getting in the gears, you need to like gather them. And teach them to sing so that they, like, harmonize with the machine again, and it all flows smoothly. My grandmother buglumped her clocks every month, I remember it. All the mantises and spiders and centipedes singing "Hail The Emerald Skies Of Ataraxia"…
Security measures were upgraded to current procedure after the A-233 incident.
Why is this classified as Keter? So we have a weirdo ringing our doorbell every month, there are Euclids setting hairs on fire more frequently than that. I helped bring this into Foundation care to be researched, not to be kept into lock and key constantly. - Dr. Xxxnzx
Book of Movements, Third Gear:
00:01:00 And God was torn into six parts, and those parts were sent to the edges of the world, so that none that knew Its name might recover them.
00:02:00 The parts were carried away as it follows.
00:03:00 The Heart of God, so that It may feed upon the living and unliving, was placed in the deepest of oceans.
The last two humans on Earth bowed.
"It is time, Brother Stound."
"Finally. It has been so long, Sister 60th. Why did we have to bear the weight of flesh for longer than all the infidels?"
"No one's pendulum is too heavy. We were to wait until all knew of Its gospel. And now they're ready. We're ready."
"It has been a long road."
"It was. But once the first gear fell into place, it was all inevitable. And all has come around. Engage the Heart."
And SCP-882 was connected to the other five pieces. of the Broken God. A dial was turned, and every gear on every being on the Earth fell into lockstep.
The noise was beautiful.
00:04:00 The Body of God, so that It may work Its great Plan upon the worthy, was given to the unknowers of the Name, who argued of Its purpose.
Remove magazine, put it aside, slot new one in, pull bolt handle. Reposition, aim, pull the trigger.
Agent Friday had been mowing down clockwork zombies all morning, and they still kept coming. She had it down to a science. If they had a human head or heart, pop them open. Otherwise, hit one of their knees and wait for Strelnikov to notice and get them with a grenade. The Russian was having entirely too much fun exploding the meat-brass monstrosities; as far as she could grasp from his butchered English, he believed they came from Chechenya or something like that.
Aim at head, fire. Aim at heart, fire. Aim at knee, fire.
She felt rather safe, really. None of them got less than half a block from the entrance, and even if the hill was remarkably less steep now with all the piled up bodies, they weren't getting any more agile. The prospect of running out of ammo or having to face nightfall were still distant. Just keep firing, and don't let them get to 914. As long as she and Strelnikov kept the things away, and the eggheads downstairs did what eggheads downstairs do, all would be fine.
Remove magazine, put it aside… Ow, that was a sharp edge.
She looked at the gash on her hand, revealing the fine brass gears grinding away the bone beneath. Then she shook her head. Time to do your work. Slot new one in, pull bolt handle. Reposition, aim, pull the trigger. As long as each one does their part, we'll be fine.
Aim at head, fire. Aim at heart, fire. Aim at knee, fire.
00:05:00 The Voice of God, so that It may spread its gospel through the unworthy, was spread among the beasts of the field.
"We should spread some of the green slime on them." Dr. Zara said, eyeing the giant brass ovoids, silently sporting the history of the Church on their surface.
Dr. Heiden sighed. It was nearly impossible to decode Zara's spoken English, and when you did you wished you hadn't. "Do you know why we avoid SCP cross-contamination, Doctor?"
"To keep Bright from running cage matches?"
"No. Well, it's a fortunate side effect. But it was exactly the Church of the Broken God that got us thinking. What if some of these SCPs are part of a … larger entity? That someone with more sense than us tore to pieces?"
"Pft. The Church is a gang of nutcases with a fetish for wind-up toys. 'Oh, that has gears on it, it's ours.' Next they'll kidnap Dr. Gears."
"Have you read any of the reports, Dr. Zara? They're the number one threat to our operations right now. Why do you think we're here?"
"Don't know, just got shuffled here."
"The Church has commandeered three SCPs in the last three months. Perfect operations, no alarm until it was too late, no casualties on their side. We might not even know it was them, if they cared. It's like they have someone new in charge."
Dr. Zara frowned. "But isn't this—" he pointed at the eggs "— like, their bible? Why didn't they come for this first? Why aren't they coming after it now?"
Dr. Heiden shrugged back. "Maybe they know how well guarded it is and backed off. Maybe they're taking their time."
"Maybe it's a trap."
"That'd —- that'd make perfect sense, actually."
At that moment the Foundation made two important finds: What was inside SCP-1564, and where the Clockwork Virus came from.
00:06:00 The Eyes of God, so that It may see the stars that say when the time is right, were cast upon the highest mountain.
a main barrel that rotated once every eight hours turned an escape wheel and the gear train to the ratchet wheel which drives the great wheel through an internal spring this circular spring is inside the great wheel the first pallet therefore moves out of the driving member the ratchet wheel engaging tooth at one end and a cam follower at the same time the other it describes a straight line tangent to the pendulum pushes the pallet makes contact with the wheel as the tooth moves over the impulse plane of the exit tooth can slide over the impulse plane of the exit tooth of the wheel as it engages the escape wheel
"Here it is. Oh, you're beautiful. Brother Vernal, confirm the explosives are defused. Sister Trice, help me open the tank."
the weight continually stresses the spring continues to turn a small amount until the balance wheel s impulse pin via the lever fork while pushing the lever up against the exit tooth against the exit pallet jewel after the exit pallet jewel after the exit pallet into the path of the barrel to turn a small amount until the exit pallet into the path of the balance spring pulls it back clockwise and the program wheel in response to rotation of the potential energy stored in the weight system and transferred by the second pallet the first pallet swings down into the path of the rotating escape wheel drops again until the exit pallet into the path of the balance wheel the pallet makes contact with the wheel backwards slightly and contact between the wheel again it makes contact with the wheel again it makes contact with
"Foundation support fifteen minutes away, Father Tempo."
"We can do this in fourteen fifty-nine. Explosives are clear. Brother Fugit, lower the Ark."
in order to maintain a constant velocity ratio with a continually changing contact point diameter the width of each tooth decreases towards its point as the escape wheel that rotated once every minute as two involute gears engage the ratchet wheel which drives the great wheel through an internal spring this circular spring is inside the great wheel through an internal spring this circular spring is inside the great wheel with one end attached to the pendulum provides the precise time intervals isochronously lastly the indicator comprised of it face and hands records how often the escapement wheel controls the transfer of the balance spring pulls it back clockwise and the job of impulsing the pendulum the escapement releasing the escape wheel rotates anti clockwise free of interference
"Brothers and sisters, I shall now open the Ark and bring forth communion—"
when it contacts the wheel and driven by the lever to the great wheel forward during winding while the drive from the escape wheel as it pushes it DAMAGE backwards slightly this releases the second pallet the hinge folds away from one tooth and towards the other pallet is broken both the pallets about their axis which places the exit tooth DAMAGE can slide over the impulse pin via the lever fork while pushing the lever fork while pushing the DAMAGE lever up against the exit tooth of the path
"Father, it's waking up—"
"Stand clear! Your protection won't last at this range!"
"Father, what about you?"
"This is my sacrifice and my honor, Children. The communion must be complete!"
"As the Face and the Eyes and the Mind and the —"
00:07:00 The Face of God, so that all may know Its glory and wrath, was given to Its greatest enemy.
Mr. Brass' head rolled against a corner of the containment room. He could not see much but ceiling and ceiling lighting.
His eye-lights flickered as he tested for anything that might still be attached. Nothing. "W-w-who's there? Guard?"
An unfamiliar woman wearing a guard uniform came into view. "I believe we parted in bad terms last time, 'Mr. Brass'. I'm sorry. We have a much better plan now."
As she spoke, she pulled a pair of glasses from her pocket and put them on. The lenses were clock faces.
He was wrong, she was not unfamiliar. He had just never seen her without the hood.
"No. N-n-not you. Guards!"
"All the guards on this wing are ours. Gears within, gears without. So is the true Way."
"W-w-w…" Gears whirring and a loud CLUNK as one catched. "what are you going to do?"
"We'll not be forcing ourselves on you, this time. We thought you were the Mind of God. Heresy, courtesy of your cursed master 'Wondertainment'. But we do need our possessions returned."
"What possessions? Put me b-b-back on my body. Y-y-your god demands it!"
"You are not God. You were seated on his throne, and we'll be taking that. The true God has been found."
"The true g-g-g- Who?"
The woman leaned down to fill the whole of Mr. Brass' field of view.
His head rolled again, down under the cot. When someone checked in, the woman was gone. So was his body.
00:08:00 And the Mind of God, so that It may guide and rule the world, was cast into the lowest creature, that none may know Its majesty and Its power.
The knob-eyes of the voltmeter looked up at the figure on the door.
"Who dares enter the domain of Lord Kickass The Magnawesome?"
"Lord? I'm Brother Tempo. I've pledged myself to you. Do you understand?"
"I am King Pesterbot the Multitudinous. My rage has crushed man and mountain. I will crush you with my manly pincers. I am Wild Willy, the Duke of Crunk."
"… Right. You'll be coming with me. We'll restore you, I swear."
"I am President Superion Prime. Lean down so I may remove your eyes by daring to stare at me. … Unhand me, filthy meat thing! I demand you release me from this prison of … cow leather!"
THIS PROGRAM HAS BEEN REDACTED BY THE FOUNDATION ETHICS COMITTEE AND BY THE COGNITOHAZARD DEPARTMENT. REDACTED MATERIAL AVAILABLE ON LEVEL 5 CERTIFICATION.
SECURE - CONTAIN - PROTECT
FADE IN and PAN over a cluttered studio environment, styled as a more colorful and children-oriented version of a scientific research laboratory. Desks crowded with colorful bottles, prop machines and scientific measuring devices, and parts of animals preserved in jars surround an open stage. The walls and floor are heavily graffitied, and two sections of the wall graffiti have been digitally blurred.
PRESENTER #1 enters excitedly. He is a light-skinned man on his early twenties, wearing a purple lab coat over jeans and a tie-dyed T-shirt, as well as a top hat.
Hello, boys and girls! Who's ready to learn some science with… Doctor Wondertainment?
The INTRODUCTION plays. It is a collage of various science-related stock photos and diagrams, set to a pseudo-zydeco soundtrack. The only lyrics are "Doctor Wondertainment".
BACK ON SCENE:
PRESENTER #2, a dark-skinned man of indeterminate age, is already on scene as it switches back. PRESENTER #1 is not to be seen. He is wearing loose basketball-themed gear under a blue lab coat and shutter shades.
Welcome to the land of Science, boys and girls! I am Doctor Wondertainment, and today we will learn about… evolution!
Slide whistle plays, then spring noise. BACK ON SCENE.
Evolution is how every living thing that exists today… can be descended from the same creature!
The following is a voice-over while a montage of animals, loosely ordered from primitive fish to amphibians, dinosaurs, mammals and primates plays.
PRESENTER #2 VOICE-OVER
Evolution in nature happens over many millions of years, as animals are born slightly different from their parents in each generation.
BACK ON SCENE.
But Doctor Wondertainment can demonstrate evolution before your very eyes! Let's give a big hand to… Mr. Headless!
APPLAUSE. A headless man in a purple jumpsuit wheels a device into the scene. It is a cabin the size of a single person, covered in garish piping and independently spinning gears.
This… is the Super Science Evolution Kit! We'll be showing what it can do, after the break!
ADVERTISING BREAK. Previous frame of Mr. Headless in front of the device frozen. Text on screen has been covered by black bars.
Dr. Wondertainment's Super Science Evolution Kit and Dr. Wondertainment's Mr. Headless are available on select locations now! Call [7 seconds of electronic beep]
BACK ON SCENE. PRESENTER #3, a blonde woman possibly on her late twenties but made up to appear much younger, is the only one on stage. She's wearing a green lab coat over a pink tank top and shorts.
Welcome back, boys and girls! For those of you that just tuned in, I'm Doctor Wondertainment, and it's time… to do science!
MISTER HEADLESS walks back into the scene, carrying an adult orange-black tabby cat. The cat is placed in the cabin and a clear plastic door is closed in front of it.
Aw, isn't he cute? Just what creature was our kitty's great-grandfather? Let's find out! Science it up, boys!
The camera zooms closer to the device as it comes alive. The gears spin more quickly, lights blink and fog rises from the ground. The form inside is indistinct for a few seconds, after which the door opens and a large, fanged SMILODON jumps out.
PRESENTER #3 moves to pet the large cat.
That's right! Cats were once very big, with huge saber teeth! But he's still such a honey, aren't you?
The video appears to skip. When it's back, the previous cat is in the cabin.
We've seen our kitty's past. But… what is his future? Let's put some science into it!
The cabin operates in a similar manner to the first time. This time, the cat appears unchanged. As the camera pans around to follow the cat, one of the CAMERAMEN is briefly visible. He, or she, is concealed by a full hazmat suit.
Aw, he looks the same! Come here, kitty, let me take a look at… BOO!
The cat quickly inflates into a near-spherical furry balloon with a distinct POP.
That's right, it's Doctor Wondertainment's very own Puffer-Kitten! So cute and so cuddly. The future of pets, today! More after the break!
ADVERTISING BREAK. Montage shot of the puffed kittens and proto-cat over a colorful background. Text on screen has been redacted off.
Dr. Wondertainment's Pufferkittens and Dr. Wondertainment's Smiley the Smilodon could be in your house tonight! Call [6 seconds of electronic beep]
BACK ON SCENE. PRESENTER #4 is now on stage. His/her face has been blurred out digitally, and his/her voice is similarly distorted. Only the clothes are clearly visible, a yellow lab coat over a full-body black latex suit.
Welcome back, boys and girls! Doctor Wondertainment will now show you, what does evolution have in wait… for humans? Do we have a member of the audience willing to volunteer?
The camera spins around to focus on the AUDIENCE for the first time. It is composed entirely of dummies used in car crash testing, wearing masks. Theatrical masks, protective sports masks, welding masks and gas masks are all visible.
No one? Very well, we are prepared for that. Mister Headless?
MISTER HEADLESS comes in, carrying a drugged FEMALE probably on her late teens. APPLAUSE as she is placed into the cabin.
Now, boys and girls… Let us do science.
The cabin operates as it did previously. The form walking out of it is shrouded by fog for a moment.
Yes. Yes indeed. And here it is…
The FEMALE emerges from the fog. Her hair is bright pink, and her eyes are shimmering gray-green, and feathered wings sprout from her spine with each step. She is clothed in a rippling, rapidly shifting fabric that appears self-willed. The video starts glitching.
A screech is heard as the camera falls over.
ADVERTISING BREAK. Black screen captioned REDACTED for the next 30 seconds.
Dr. Wondertainment's [8 seconds of electronic beep] are waiting for you! Call [12 seconds of electronic beep]
CAPTION: NEXT EPISODE
This is it for today, but next week Dr. Wondertainment will have a very special guest! The Doctor presents… Bobble the Clown!
SCENE SWITCHES to BOBBLE THE CLOWN staring at the camera with a knife on one hand and guts pulled out of an off-camera animal on the other.
BOBBLE THE CLOWN
HI, KIDS! WHO'S READY TO DO SOME FUCKING SCIENCE?
Black screen captioned REDACTED and electronic beep for the next six minutes, then black.
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: The building SCP-XXX is located in has been appropriated and designated Site-118, and is currently in use by the Foundation administration branch. Other elevators on the same site can be used normally. SCP-XXX is to be kept locked and unused aside from research. After each event its onboard measuring system must have its records unloaded and radioactive markers exchanged. After a Kalpa event, the SCP is to be cleaned and the measuring system replaced.
Description: SCP-XXX is an elevator of brand ███████████, design circa 1975. (bit more description here)
On 98% of operations, SCP-XXX behaves as a regular elevator. Its anomalous behavior appears to occur in synchrony with events of the Western tropical astrological calendar. During these events, the elevator's speed, distance traveled and time of travel vary drastically. During an event, SCP-XXX is completely isolated from the outside in regards to matter, sound and electromagnetic waves (although the sound of the elevator machinery is audible), and air pressure and gravity within remain static.
The events documented since appropriation are documented below:
- ██/██/████ - Mars-Jupiter conjunction in Aquarius, Mars-Venus sextile - Maximal vertical speed of 62 km/h.
- ██/██/████ - Moon-Venus-Mars conjunction in Saggitarius, Venus-Ceres opposition - Distance traveled between 3rd and 8th floors was estimated at 700m.
- ██/██/████ - Mercury-Venus-Saturn trine, Saturn-Ceres sextile - Travel lasted an estimated 4 hours within SCP-XXX, 35 seconds without.
- ██/██/████ - Jupiter-Saturn conjunction in Virgo, Jupiter-Moon-Venus square - SCP-XXX left 4th floor, moved down for 7 minutes, and arrived at 11th floor.
- ██/██/████ - Mars-Ceres-Neptune conjunction in Aquarius - SCP-XXX left the 9th floor accelerating downwards at 9.8m/s² for 12 minutes, leaving the occupants in effective freefall. Upon arriving at the 3rd floor, SCP-XXX shed its entire speed within 0.3s, causing heavy damage to all occupants.
- ██/██/████ - Ceres-Jupiter conjunction in Libra, Pallas-Mercury conjunction in Pisces - Ground to 7th floor. Maximal vertical speed of 0.02 km/h, distance traveled 1.5 m.
- ██/██/████ - Mercury-Mars-Ceres conjunction in Taurus, Jupiter-Saturn conjunction in Scorpio - First recorded Kalpa incident. D-Class passenger of SCP-XXX missing; pool of crude oil covering SCP-XXX's bottom to a depth of 12 cm. Oil composition points to biogenic origin, except Carbon-14, as well as any other radioactive isotopes, were missing.
- ██/██/████ - [REDACTED] - 6th floor to 1st basement. SCP-XXX arrived instantly with no perceivable movement.
- ██/██/████ - [REDACTED] - Travel took 45 minutes, during which SCP-XXX switched directions 33 times. Travel distance estimated at 4km.
- ██/██/████ - [REDACTED] - 2nd basement to 8th floor. SCP-XXX accelerated at a rate of 15m/s² upwards at for 3 hours, yet upon arrival at 8th floor, it retained a neutral movement vector.
- ██/██/████ - [REDACTED] - Travel lasted 3 seconds within SCP-XXX, 7.5 hours without.
- ██/██/████ - [REDACTED] - Estimated travel time of 10 months, acceleration of 88m/s² throughout, switching acceleration direction halfway through. Calculated maximal vertical speed of 3.2c.
- ██/██/████ - Moon-Jupiter-Ceres conjunction in Libra, Mercury-Vesta conjunction in Aries - Second recorded Kalpa incident. Recording device reduced to oxide dust and fully decayed radioactive markers on floor of SCP-XXX. Decay of tellurium sample points to an elapsed time span of at least 1027 years.
SCP-XXX was acquired after cross-referencing of a viral video (annex II) and analysis of ███████████ client files. The video shows [DATA EXPUNGED]: This effect has not been replicated during Foundation custody, and is tentatively correlated with the conjunction of four planets in Gemini at ██/██/████.
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXX (yadda)
Description: SCP-XXX is composed of three parts. SCP-XXX-A is a limestone slab, of dimensions 1.2m x 0.5 m x 0.05 m, with a checkered pattern on one side that currently measures 11 squares by 23 squares. 107 pieces, each a piece of limestone in the shape of a simple solid, are set on various squares, by themselves or on stacks.
SCP-XXX-B is the documentation found along with SCP-XXX-A, and consists of over 6 hundred scrolls and books of various compositions, from circa 12██ to the current century. These books document the history of plays made with SCP-XXX-A, as well as the rules of its previous iterations.
- c. 650, Persian - 8x8 board, 32 pieces. Rules similar to proto-Chess variant, Chaturanga. Unknown result of game.
- 1072, German - 8x16 board, 57 pieces, stacking allowed. Same rules as medieval board game Rithmomachy. Game was won.
- c. 1130, Japanese - 9x9 board, 36 pieces. Rules of Heian era shōgi. Game was won.
- 1293, Japanese - 15x15 board, 130 pieces. Rules similar to dai shōgi. Game was lost.
- 1380-1425, Persian - 11x10 board, 56 pieces. Rules close to Tamerlane chess. Game was won.
- 1494-1521, Nahuatl - [DATA EXPUNGED]. Game was lost.
- 1880-1945, Japanese - 18x18 board, 180 pieces. Rules are a mix of several large shōgi variants. Game was lost.
- 1970-current, English - Current setup: 11x23 board, 107 pieces. Rules are a extension of Rithmomachy's, with additional rules possibly inspired by shōgi and [DATA EXPUNGED].
SCP-XXX-C is the opposing player of SCP-XXX-A. It is [DATA EXPUNGED]
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXX is currently kept in Site 116, located in an adapted Antarctic research platform at coordinates [REDACTED], 300 km from McMurdo station. SCP-XXX can be allowed full use of station facilities except for communication, provided he remains in good behavior. The use of sedatives and other mind-affecting products on SCP-XXX is discouraged. Guards are to keep their faces covered when visible to SCP-XXX.
Any wildlife anomalies near Site 116 must be reported to South America Foundation and Core Foundation immediately.
Description: SCP-XXX is a 16-year-old male human of Caucasian-Native American descent. He was acquired in █████████, North Carolina after a series of wildlife attacks killed his family, as well as several colleagues and tutors.
SCP-XXX's presence affects non-human chordates (heretofore termed SCP-XXX-A) in a radius of at least 200 m 750 m 3 km 8 km, with occasional bursts of increased radius. SCP-XXX-A instances develop increased mental capacity, the ability to rudimentally communicate with each other, and a direct mental connection with SCP-XXX. SCP-XXX-A instances know where SCP-XXX is and what he's thinking, and display an intense loyalty to him.
Despite this loyalty, SCP-XXX has little control over SCP-XXX-A actions. He cannot give them direct orders: they respond primarily to signals from the amygdala and hypothalamus, and so react more to his emotional wishes than rational ones. This, combined with the feedback he receives when asleep, is the source of great distress to SCP-XXX.
Removing SCP-XXX from a location causes great distress in the SCP-XXX-A instances for several weeks before they revert to normal, and should only be attempted as a last resort. Drugging SCP-XXX has similar effects.
The effect of hurting SCP-XXX physically on SCP-XXX-A instances is not yet known.
██-██-200█: Admitted to Site 52, North Carolina.
██-██-200█: Eight recorded attacks to Site 52 by wildlife including brown bears, coyotes and wild horses. SCP moved to Site 93, within the Mojave Desert.
██-██-200█: Two attacks to SCP personnel by cougars. Snakes infiltrate Site 93's ventilation system and block it. SCP moved to Site 79, in the salt pan of Bonneville, Utah.
██-██-201█: Three SCP researchers working directly with SCP-XXX attacked violently by migratory fowl, in one case while 22 km away from Site 79. One security guard killed by his own dog while on leave, 14 km away. SCP moved to Site 116, containment policy revised based on new information.
Note: McMurdo has mentioned an increase in whale sightings this summer. I want no complacency in this. - O5-4
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXX
Description: SCP-XXX is a six-story stone tower in the Mesa Mani region of the Mani Peninsula in south Greece. The building dates to the sixteenth century, but an elevator has been recently - as of roughly 40 years ago - built into the structure. The elevator only reaches to the fourth floor: access to the upper floors must be made by climbing through a vertical shaft.
Windows are irregularly set on the tower's walls. It is theorized that their positioning and (blah blah)
Within the building, living creatures gain a property of immunity to injury to some degree. (more sciency blah here) This effect increases on higher floors, as described on the list below:
First floor - Living creatures display an unnatural level of resilience to trauma.
Second floor - Multicellular creatures' vital signs cannot be terminated.
Third floor - Unicellular creatures and individual cells cannot die.
Fourth floor - Viruses, prions and other entities that exhibit limited life-like behavior (like crystals and convection cells in fluid) gain resistance to disruption.
Fifth floor - Electrical signals cannot be cut and electric devices cannot be turned off; data storage devices cannot be rewritten. This includes the eletrical and chemical methods animal brains use to store memories. Writing cannot be erased from paper.
Sixth floor - Atoms do not exhibit radioactive decay; [DATA EXPUNGED]; [DATA EXPUNGED].
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXX is to be kept in a >99.9% argon atmosphere, fully circulated and filtered every 30 minutes. The SCP itself is set on a calcium platform, which is kept from contacting the ground by an air cushion. The platform must be exchanged every 36 hours or if it starts showing radioactive properties.
Description: SCP-XXX is a dessicated human hand and partial forearm. Embedded throughout the artifact are shards of an undetermined mineral. The SCP continuously emits free neutrons and EM radiation in the [DATA EXPUNGED] bands, as well as pions, kaons and occasional more exotic mesons (Refer to [DATA EXPUNGED] for details). Carbon dating is inconclusive.
All solid or liquid matter contacting SCP-XXX is subject to a transmutation effect on the atomic scale - atoms composing the material receive additional protons, effectively transforming them into the next atomic element. This effect radiates from the SCP through all solid or liquid material in direct contact, with apparently unlimited range. Once all matter contacted is transmuted to the next element, the effect initiates again, and repeats until the material degrades to a gas or the material reaches transuranic states, in which case [DATA EXPUNGED] must be effected before criticality.
The process is notably faster in elements with lower atomic numbers - notably, an adult human's weight in organic material can be converted into fluorine compounds or neon gas in less than 180 seconds. Tantalum or tungsten long-handled tools are reccomended for optimal handling of the artifact, but lead tools can be used in an emergencial basis provided care is taken for them not to erode into polonium (refer to document ###### for details of handling)